Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

My Mom wants me to wear her dress....

It's been a dream of hers since her wedding day, and when my twin and I were born it's been her dream to see one of us walk down the aisle in it. I am ok with the dress, and I owe my mother everything (I was NOT the easy child AT ALL, and she brought out the best in me to who I am today). But I have changes I want to make, and she is NOT happy. I'm torn between:

  •   appeasing my mother and walking down the aisle in a dress I will be miserable in
  • altering it to my ideas and having her not even be able to look at me
  • just getting a new dress altogether. 
Has anyone had this issue?? How are you dealing or resolving it?

Re: My Mom wants me to wear her dress....

  • I would just get a new dress altogether. At some point you have to realize this is her issue, not yours. You might feel symapthy for her and not being able to meet this ideal of hers. But she's got to get over it.
  • Get a new dress for yourself. Just be honest with her.  Tell her that you LOVE the idea of wearing her dress because it's very sentimental, but that it just isn't what you envision yourself wearing on your wedding day.  Is it possible to take a piece of it and have it sewn in your dress or something? 

     Is there any way that your sister would be willing to wear it when she gets married? 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • imageKatelynGettingMarried:

    It's been a dream of hers since her wedding day, and when my twin and I were born it's been her dream to see one of us walk down the aisle in it. I am ok with the dress, and I owe my mother everything (I was NOT the easy child AT ALL, and she brought out the best in me to who I am today). But I have changes I want to make, and she is NOT happy. I'm torn between:

    •   appeasing my mother and walking down the aisle in a dress I will be miserable in
    • altering it to my ideas and having her not even be able to look at me
    • just getting a new dress altogether. 
    Has anyone had this issue?? How are you dealing or resolving it?


    I am guessing your mother was married somewhere between mid-Seventies-mid Eighties.

    Neither one of these fashion eras were the greatest for wedding gowns.

    Is there any way you can post a photo of it?

    You can remodel it and upgrade it -- perhaps remove the sleeves and make it a sleeveless dress --- or revamp the neckline so that it is a strapless dress.

    This way, you can get the best of both worlds.

    You could have it copied and have it made with the changes you want.


  • My mom was NOT happy with the idea of re-making her dress, and I wasn't thrilled with the style as it was.  So we went dress shopping together.  After mom saw me in the dress style I wanted, she agreed that her dress looked super dated and that I looked better in the other style.  Then it was pretty easy for her to cut up her dress for me.

    Is your sister married yet?  Is there any chance that she would want the dress as it is right now without any alterations?  Seems like your sister might need to be consulted as she may be able to be a solution. 

    On the other hand, sister may have the exact same opinion that it needs major alterations.  That would add credibility to your opinion. Perhaps it would also help your mom realize that nobody wants her dress as it is and not cling to her dream so steadfastly.

    It's a sticky situation with lots of emotions involved.  Good luck.

    PS - What about wearing her veil?  Or something else she wore like jewelry, shoes, garter, replicate her bouquet, etc?

  • Suppose you take a photo of it to a dressmaker and tell her you want the dress remade, but with the following modifications...and then give her your check list?

    A good local dressmaker can do wonders.
  • Could you wear it to the rehearsal instead, as a compromise?
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • i read somewhere that its much more common for grandchildren to wear a wedding dress from their grandmother than children because of fashion cycles. Suggest that to her, and get your own dress. Assuming that you'll be paying for it. 
  • imageWendyGR:
    i read somewhere that its much more common for grandchildren to wear a wedding dress from their grandmother than children because of fashion cycles. Suggest that to her, and get your own dress. Assuming that you'll be paying for it. 

    For real. My niece wore the silk sheath my mother married in at her RD.

    Traditionally veils were more likely to be reworn. Can he veil be reworked or worn as is. I know a few friends who wore mom's mantilla style veil but that can restrict you to a darker ivory.

  • I just don't understand this kind of pressure thta mothers place on daughters.  Styles change, personal tastes matter - if you don't want to wear it, don't.  It's NOT a statement about your feelings for her or how she was a mother. 

     I agree that this is her problem, not yours.  And I find it REALLY unfair of her to pressure you with this. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • imageEastCoastBride:

    I just don't understand this kind of pressure thta mothers place on daughters.  Styles change, personal tastes matter - if you don't want to wear it, don't.  It's NOT a statement about your feelings for her or how she was a mother. 

     I agree that this is her problem, not yours.  And I find it REALLY unfair of her to pressure you with this. 

    This.

    You may want to look at Pinterest for ideas to incorporate your moms dress. They have a ton of ideas, take her dress shopping with you. Also, tell her that if you don't use her dress you will have a baptismal dress made for her grandchildren to wear, or a quilt or something. I know my DD won't want to wear my dress, I'm okay with that. We will have to find something else for it, I may donate it if no one wants it.  

  • imageEastCoastBride:

    I just don't understand this kind of pressure thta mothers place on daughters.  Styles change, personal tastes matter - if you don't want to wear it, don't.  It's NOT a statement about your feelings for her or how she was a mother. 

     I agree that this is her problem, not yours.  And I find it REALLY unfair of her to pressure you with this. 

    Sooooo this.

  • I also agree with ECB on this one.  This is an unfair burden for her to put on you and she has no place pressuring you into this. 

    Look, your mom got to pick out her own dress using her own personal tastes, preferences, likes and a dress that made her feel special.  If she got that opportunity, than so should you. 

    There is nothing wrong with gently telling your mom "No."  She will be upset and disappointed, but that is ok.  Trust me, sometimes disappointing your parents is all a part of growing up.  Telling your mom " No" will also be good practice for the future.   This won't be the last time your mom tries to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do.

  • I would tell your mom how much you appreciate the offer, but that you have your heart set on XYZ dress you found.  Is there anything from her wedding day you could incorporate (veil, jewelry, wrap, etc.)?

    Another idea (if you're up for it)- see if you could do a photo shoot in it with your photographer...maybe your photographer could do something in photoshop to recreate one of your parents' wedding pics with you in the dress and you could frame it for your mom.....it wouldn't be walking down the aisle, but maybe would be a good compromise? 

    BabyFetus Ticker; Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Would she be happy if you wore her jewelry or veil instead?
    image
  • I know you said your mom was not cool with the dress being reconstructed but is there any piece of it you could use that wouldn't destroy the dress? I used buttons from my grandma's dress in my bouquet. It was a good way to honor my grandma. My mom wanted me to wear her dress but luckily I am much curvier than she was when she got married so it didn't fit.
    image
    imageBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • A friend of mine wore a wedding dress that has been in her family for 3 or 4 generations. She wore the dress for the wedding ceremony, then changed into something more her style for the reception; also because they didn't want to ruin the heirloom dress.

    If your changes are drastic, then I'd just go with an entirely new dress. If they're minor changes, maybe they can be done in a way that is not permanent? That might be a way you can get your mother on board with it. 

    photo May2014.jpgphoto MomTatWhiteNew40.jpg
    BabyFetus Ticker
    BabyFruit Ticker
    May 2014 November Siggy Challenge
    The Griswold’s Christmas Vacation
    photo GriswoldChristmas.jpg
  • imageSpin313:
    Could you wear it to the rehearsal instead, as a compromise?

     

    Spin313 had a great idea of wearing the dress to the RD!  or maybe you could wear her veil?

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • A friend of mine is starting a family tradition when it comes to wedding which I think is a lot more realistic. They are passing the veil down through the generations. She took her mom's 80's veil off the hat and had it put on a comb to make it more undated style. This allowed her to pick a dress that she loved but kept in mind what would go with the veil. The veil is has a lace trim. If you did something like this, both you and your sister could wear it and have a part of your mom with you on your wedding day. It's also something that can be passed down then to your daughters if you have any or even to any future daughter in laws. I don't think it's as huge of an imposition to offer a veil up to the next generation as a dress is. And I can only imagine, when my friend has a child that gets married, how much it will mean to her mom to watch the granddaughter walking down the isle wearing the same veil. A veil is something that can be shared by many women in the same family. I would use that approach with your mom if her veil is available. "Because mom, how can I take your dress and rob my sister from the opportunity to share in the memory of your dress. But if we use just your veil, we can both share a special memory with you that we can pass down to our kids someday."
  • There was a cool tv show awhile back, called (I think) "Something Borrowed, Something New".  And that is exactly what the show was.  Basically, a woman who wanted to get her own gown but a family member who wanted her to wear their gown.

    The host of the show would take her out to try on her dream wedding dresses while a master seamstress would remake the wedding gown of her mother or grandmother, more to the young lady's taste.  Then, at the end of the show, the woman would come out of the dressing room first wearing her favorite new gown and then wearing the modified wedding gown.

    It is pretty cringe worthy to watch the beginning of the show and see the seamstress literally ripping the dresses apart to remake them.  But the end results were always stunning and always had a neat combination of aspects of the old dress mixed with aspects of what the new bride wanted.

    I don't think the show airs anymore, but can probably be found on YouTube. 

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards