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How would you deal with catty and competitive person/sister?
Without going into a long back-story, lets just say my sister is a competitive, catty person. She has old abandonment issues with our mom so she competes for her attention, and seems to feel the need to establish her 'superiority' in every situation... We are adults now and live in different states but anytime I talk to or am around her she starts the competitive or rude behavior. Cutting her out of my life is not an option because it would hurt my mom and our family is too close, but I still try to avoid her as much as possible.
Our relationship has reduced itself to texts over time - but she even manages to sneak in snarky remarks like "oh, I thought you had a garage" when I sent out a pic of the snow. We do, and she knows this because she asked over and over when we moved in, but she is always comparing my place to her apartment or her husband's boss' house (which is nicer than mine...ok?). When we were talking about my baby's length she asked "how tall is your husband, five-seven?" when she knows my husband is a head taller than me so about 6 ft. tall. But her husband is pretty short (and 20 years older, and no one likes him), and my mom had said that she thought my daughter would be tall like her dad, so she is deflecting I guess. My mom is very short and has always worried that my sister's boys would be short like their dad. Plus, my sister is starting to get annoyed that my mom is so wrapped up about my new daughter who is her only granddaughter. She acts like I had a girl just to make her jealous, and now only wants to talk about IF she were to have another baby anytime we all talk about my baby - ugh!
She will only be rude in private though to make sure she looks good. When she came to visit she waited until everyone left the kitchen to say "oh my god don't you dust down there?" (under the fridge) with a smug look. I was on my way out too so I just lauged and kept walking, but what am I supposed to say to that without letting her know she's getting to me - because that's all she wants I guess... but ignoring it doesn't stop it either.
Around other people she will make "innocent" comments to make me look bad and herself feel good. We gave her money a while back when they couldn't pay their rent and were going to get evicted, we told them not to worry about paying it back, that it was a gift. But even though they borrowed money from a lot of other family who might have needed the money more, she only paid us back. When she did she made a point to mention it and say "oh it'll be nice for you to be able to go shopping for the baby with that money we gave you" - I played it off and said "yeah thanks, but I told you you didn't have to worry about paying us back"... but ugh what else do you do with people like that?
Honestly I worry it's only going to get worse now that I have a daughter and I know she talks about her with my mom and I don't want her to start this all over again with her and have my daughter feeling like she has to compete for her grandmothers affection or compare herself to her cousins... I'm seriously afraid the day will come that she will make a passive agressive remark about my daughter's appearance or personality in front of my daughter or make an "innocent" joke at her expence one of these days and I will have to go off!! I also don't want to deal with snarky convos about how she raises her kids better, buys them better stuff, makes them better food.... or whatever! ANYONE know how to deal with people like this??? I'll be honest a long time ago (like when I was 16 and she was 22 maybe) I used to fight fire with fire and be a snarky competitve B!TC# right back, but that is exhausting and immature, how do we move on?
Re: How would you deal with catty and competitive person/sister?
Does your mom not know how infuriating your sister is? Is your mom so dedicated to your sister that she would sacrifice your sanity for the sake of having her daughters in the same room?
Why the F are you paying people to treat you like this? What part of "Here's some $ you don't have to pay back" is supposed to say "Your rude behavior will not be tolerated."
Every time you text her, you're giving her some ammo to fire at you. So stop it!!! Or at least wise up and realize that sending her a text, no matter how innocent it seems, opens you up to frustration and ridicule. How long before you'll remember that she's not nice to you?
How long has this been going on? What makes you think she'll ever change?
But if you're going to continue these shenanigans for the sake of your mother
and you feel the need to be nice, learn phrases like "You're right, sis. Your _____ is better than mine."
For example: "Don't you dust under there?" "Nope, you're a much better housekeeper than I am."
"I thought you had a garage." "Not one that's as nice as yours."
"I would never allow ___ with my kids." "Your kids are amazing."
What can she do with those responses? You took away her chance to argue.
You could say- "I find your question/comment rude." And keep repeating until she drops it. This could take a LONG time.
Find time to let your kid hang out with grandma when your sister isn't around. There's no competing if the other team isn't there.
I have to ditto a lot of what Becky said. Some of those responses are great.
But I have to ask- you say you avoid her as much as possible, but yet you're texting her and even lending her money...???
You don't have to "cut her out", but I would really have pretty much nothing to do w/ her. Don't give her ammo. And also, ask yourself why some of this gets under your skin so much. I realize that some of this is just the piling up of ALL of it, but try to take a step back and take each comment on it's own. The comment about the garage? So what? I wouldn't even bother acknowledging it.
The firm line I'd draw, htough, is that if she ever does start to say things about your DD and pulling her into this, I would pull her aside and tell her that she can be as petty and catty as she wants to/about you, but your DD is NOT to be brought into it. At all. And really- if she doesn't comply, I would go to further measures to not be around her, ever. And if that hurts your mom, so what? Better your mom than your DD.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Reduce it to NO texts and maybe 1 couple hour visits when she visits and make absolutely no effort to fly and see her. You deal with people like her by hardly being there to begin with.
Ignoring it may not fully stop it but soon enough she will have less and less ammo against you.
She is treating you like a little sister, not a contemporary.
She will continue this unless you call her on it.
I still get that from my brother sometimes, and I am 56!!
Don't let it go on as long as I did.
When an adult acts like a child, I treat them like a child. Ignore the behavior and walk away.
If/when she says something to your daughter, you tell he to STFU and if she doesn't you cut her out of your life. At that point, it's not about your mom's happiness, it's about your daughter's well being.
ETA: And don't give her money again. Ever.
I'm just lurking but I wanted to tell you that this is how my sister and I used to be and can still be this way but not as much. When I was younger my sister used to treat me how older sisters treat younger sisters, and we would always fight she would always say really rude stuff to me treat me like her maid and one day I snapped!! We where at the laundry mat with my mom and my sister called me stupid over and over, I told her call me stupid one more time and she did. I got up and grabbed her by we hair and landed on top of her, we hit each other and talked s**t to each other.
Ever since that day, she changed a lot and now she treats me better and tries to hang out with DH and I but I can not stand being around her for personal reasons!
Thats my insight, but like PP said if you do not stand up to her she will never change!! You need to show her that she can not talk to you like she's better then you!!
GL
Thanks for the advice (Becky those responses are perfect)!
I do try to avoid her as much as I can, but it's almost impossible: if I send a pic of the baby to my mom she will forward it to everyone and my sister can always get "ammo" from my mom. For instance I told my mom that my husband was doing homework the other day, so now everyone knows that he is working on his master's. Today I get a text from sis about the football game and how I should watch because it's her husband's alma mater. He went to a local branch of the school and didn't graduate, but she has a chip on her shoulder about anything to do with education (I am also working on my graduate degree, but she never finished her associates - although she did walk at graduation for a "certificate of study" which is basically a minor, but she likes to talk about how she graduated college anytime the topic comes up - ugh!)
The thing is, I don't think she talks to me like she is better than me. I think that she is competitive and feels insecure or inadequate so she takes it out on me, or feels like she has something to prove, which makes it more difficult because she won't let it go...
As for my mom, I have talked to her about why I don't send more pics or texts to my sis and she agrees that my sis is difficult, but I think she just accepts it or feels guilty (for leaving her with her dad after the divorce, and then taking me with her after she divorced my dad). She'll talk with me about how my sister is so different and doesn't have friends/a life but she'll just say "she's had it hard" or "you know how she is" and "well she's still your sister don't be like that" if I get too confrontational with my mom about not wanting to be around her...
I don't actually think that you've stopped being competitive and snarky. I think you're probably just as bad as she is. Buried in your post are LOTS of digs at her, her financial situation of having to live in an apartment, her husband that no one likes, etc.
You move on by moving on. There are two ways to do this: 1) distance yourself from her. 2) really and truly stop caring so much about her, her life, her opinions, her attempts to get digs in about you. Get happy about your own life and don't let her take up so much space in your head.