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XP: Secretive Fiance
I posted this on my birth month board (which is kind of dead)... and it's not quite the right place as it's not about my LO. Plus from lurking, I've noticed a lot of ladies on this board are very honest...
Here's the deal...
I was checking my eBay feedback to make sure it was all positive. Then I thought to check fiance's feedback - he had really messed up a few years back and not paid for some stuff... then never used his account until recently. He's been selling old hunting &sports gear, and I've been working with him on how to do things properly. It really was honestly just checking up to make sure he wasn't tarnishing his eBay reputation. But I guess some may call it snooping.
Anyways,
when checking his profile for positive/negative counts, I noticed that
he had within the last week purchased some stuff: elbow pads, knee pads,
and military BDUs- coat and pants. WTH?
FI is a navy vet. He
has a ton of his old uniforms. Why is he buying this stuff? The
kicker... it cost over $100 for all the items. Where we are scraping
pennies together to pay our bills trying to recover after both of us
lost our jobs earlier this year. (I would love to have $100 to spend on
random sh!t of my choice!!)
I asked him about it. He first
questioned why I was looking at his profile. Fair enough, I would too.
Then he told me it was none of my business, and was very offended, and
that he couldn't talk about it at work - we were chatting on the phone
over lunch.
Alright ladies... am I overreacting to this? Maybe it's just all the recent violence lately... where people always say "I never thought he'd do something like this".. has me rethinking how much I trust anyone other than my babies.
Edit: I should say that we aren't trying to scrape enough for bills, but trying to get all of our debt paid off. Just paying minimums of everything is easy to do, but with left over debt from selling his house for less than he paid in 08, his long divorce and custody battle, credit cards, etc... there's a lot to dig out from before we can even think about buying a house. To me, I evaluate every purchase with "would I rather have this item or a house?" So part of my anger about this is because I don't feel he's placing as much importance on saving for a house as I am.
Re: XP: Secretive Fiance
It's possible there's a good explanation he really couldn't give at work. If it's at all possible to calmly talk about it tonight, do that. CALMLY. Not opening with accusations and how you think he might murder people, or whatever.
But if you guys are really that strapped for cash, and he's wasting it, and won't tell you why, I'd be really worried. Are your finances mostly together? Mostly separate? Does he have his own 'spending cash'? I don't want to make myself or FI justify every dollar we spend, but that's our system. Consider if his actions are OK in your system and you're really just stressed about money right now (and wish he'd save like you are, or whatever).
Our finances are mostly seperate. We have totally seperate accounts and pay our respective personal bills -car loans & credit cards. Then we work together to pay our other bills. The usual "hey do you have enough in your account to pay the cable bill tomorrow?" It's not very high stress, and we make it by.
And things are looking up financially (for now)- we got money for Christmas. But we still have a lot of debt, and have agreed to live as frugally as possible to pay it off asap to get a house.
It's a good point to not even bring up the whole me scared of crazy murderer thing. It's not justified by any means. I will try my best to be as calm as possible! I just can't think of any reason why he'd want that stuff..
Thanks for making me laugh!
We've had a little bit of communication breakdown, mostly due to the stress of the holidays. So maybe I'm overreacting because of that.
It's true, the man has some strange hobbies. He loves to hunt, for the challenge and loving to eat wild game. And hasn't been able to do much lately.. maybe he's joined some activity... Is that the kind of stuff people wear in paintball? I can't imagine that blue digi camo would do any good hunting in WI.
But I still think it's weird he can't talk about it at work.
I agree. First off why would he say it's none of your business? Also, if you two are saving up to buy a house why aren't you married yet? You need to take steps to protect yourself before making a huge purchase like buying a house. This really makes me want to bang my head on a wall.
You had a child with him, want to buy a house but you two aren't married. Okay, so now he is buying whatever he wants and your angry. See this is why he said it is None of your business. It isn't, you don't have a joint account so you really have no idea what he is bringing in or taking out.
I'm guessing he snapped back with none of my business because he was shocked that I found out about his purchases.
What would marriage change in this situation?
We don't believe there is any rush, plus since it's second time around we don't have parents financial help. A wedding isn't going to benefit our children, whereas a house would.
Do you know why he got divorced the last time around? I'll bet that's interesting indeed why he and the former mate are no longer an item.
He could be buying penny candy at this point; the thing is this: he is not being forthcoming about his actions. Have a big problem with this indeed.
Postpone the wedding until you unravel what's going on -- and trust your gut. It never fails.
OMG!!!! You might be right....
So I've told him many many times how freaking hot I think he is in his blue digi camo uniform, with the sleeves rolled up it makes his biceps look like a greek god.
Holy crap... maybe I'm that uniform fetish freak he bought them for! LMAO!!!!
Laughter aside, I didn't ask him about it last night because he had a really rough day at work and was just exhausted, I could tell he wasn't up for talking... and now we're dealing with a whole other issue.. his father passed away in the night last night.
His divorce was one of those life things that really solidified our friendship, I was his only female friend and he appreciated the perspective I could give on a lot of the mess that the divorce caused in his and his sons life... well and I dont think guys really can open up to eachother about touchy feely stuff as it relates to a divorce, YKWIM? I don't think I could date someone who wouldn't tell me why they got divorced, either.
I'll give this to ya straight up:
His divorce was one of those life things that really solidified our friendship, I was his only female friend and he appreciated the perspective I could give on a lot of the mess that the divorce caused in his and his sons life... well and I dont think guys really can open up to eachother about touchy feely stuff as it relates to a divorce, YKWIM? I don't think I could date someone who wouldn't tell me why they got divorced, either.
If he was still married at the time during this friendship with you, he never should have been discussing something like this with anybody other than his wife or a therapist that was trying to help him and/or their marriage.
Please don't tell me that this "friendship" began while he was still married to his wife.
If he was long divorced, another story.
Maybe it's just me, but I probably wouldn't marry someone if I thought he might be gearing up for a mass shooting spree.
I read several times in both your original post and your replies the words *We agreed* this....*we agreed* that.....
Are you sure you BOTH agreed....or is this financial agreement something you have put into play to help better your situation that he has no choice but to follow????? Hate to say it....but there is a BIG difference between a decision made by both of you and a decision made (even if it is the most practical, mature decision) by the primary personality (a.k.a 'the boss') in the relationship--leaving the other person no choice, but to follow.
You have pointed out that your bills are getting paid and that this decision is based on trying to get ahead of your debt (ALL very good reasons) but the fact is that he spent about $100.00. That is not a lot of money....and it was HIS money.
As for the part about the purchases being strange....I am not sure what to say about that. If you are not seeing any other breech of trust in the relationship then you probably don't have any reason to worry.
Make a pregnancy ticker
This is way off topic. We started as classmates. Not really all that good of friends. I did not know much about his marriage until it ended abruptly. They had been having problems for years stemming from her depression and personality disorders, but I never heard a peep until after papers were filed. His ex-w tried to commit suicide while she had their baby in her sole care. At that point it was done. He has been, and still is in therapy.
I agree that if there would have been things to work out, that it would have been inappropriate for him to discuss with me.
Okay, so I wasn't the only one who thought this might be a possibility. Good to know.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating