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total lack of Thank You notes- stop sending gifts???
Every year for birthdays and Christmas, plus events like graduations, I send gifts to H's nieces. (We don't get to travel to see them, so everything is mailed.) They have NEVER acknowledged that they received these gifts, let alone said thank you for them.
H had a conversation with their parents once that it's inconsiderate that nobody ever bothers to say thank you. I then received an email (probably snarky given they don't ever treat me nicely, but it's hard to be certain) thanking me for the last 3 gifts we'd given them. So I know that they're aware that thank yous are important to me. That was a few years ago. I think we've received one acknowledgement since then.
Anyway, given that their parents don't have the manners to send thank yous, it's kinda not the kids' fault that they don't send thank yous. No note, phone call, email, text, nothing at all to either H or I.
I don't really feel like sending anything anymore since they don't acknowledge the gifts.
There's a birthday in a couple weeks. I'm debating sending just a card with nothing else. If I send a gift, the snarky b!tch in me wants to send a box of thank you notes.
So - to gift or not to gift? And if no gift, should I let the kids know it's because they never even let us know they receive our gifts?
PS The kids are high school and college age.
Re: total lack of Thank You notes- stop sending gifts???
Ohhh I hear ya!
Personally, I'd stop sending gifts (birthdays especially) not because of the thank you note issue but because these kids are basically adults.
Sure, do graduations and weddings.
A common gift I give a young lady entering high school or college are personalized blank cards that I have printed on nice paper with her name in a solid color on the front. My mom get these for my sister and me in HS and it was nice to have pretty, but not foofy cards that coudl be used for anything including thankyou notes.
www.americanstationary.com
Or, try a local print shop.
On one hand, if they've never been taught to send thank yous, then well, chances are you aren't ever going to get one.
But.... when you're SENDING gifts and you really actually have no way to know if they are getting them, the fact that no one is saying "we need to let them know we got the gift" - I personally would probably stop sending them.
If do feel the "art" of thank you's is dying to a degree. But in this day and age of technology, there is NO REASON why at least a text or email can't be sent to say "got it- thank you!".
High school and college age? My take- if you keep sending them gifts, then they'll never learn that not thanking people doesn't go unnoticed. Not that just stopping will make them notice. BUT - the fact that that the parents know, they may put 2 and 2 together.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you notes are a toss up, some people have sent them and some have not. I always make sure I do, even for my kids gifts. When I send a gift out I don't ever expect a thank you note. I send a gift to send a gift. I may email/text to make sure the gift arrived but I don't wait for the thank you note.
The bottom line here is, they don't send out Thank You notes. You know they don't, if this is the deal breaker for you, then don't send them gifts. But don't be surprised if the snarky B in them comes out and you get a Thank You note for the card.
So, no advice for you but I have to say a big "THANK YOU" for posting this because it reminded me that I never called my in-laws to thank them for a Christmas present they sent a little over a week ago! I just picked up the phone and had a 30-minute conversation with them inspired by your post (seriously)!
Most people just do not send formal Thank You notes anymore. It's just the way it is. The only formal Thank You notes that we ever sent were for our wedding. Now, I do usually acknowledge gifts sent to me via some manner. It might be a phone call, an email, facebook, or a text.
At the end of the day, you know you're not going to get a thank you note or an acknowledgment. So don't expect one. If you want to send a gift for the sake a sending a gift then do it, but don't send one expecting a note in return. As for not sending a gift and expecting them to go "Hey, why didn't auntie send us a gift this year?" Odds are they won't notice it didn't show up. I don't say this because they're ungrateful little brats, but just more that most people's lives are so busy these days that it's not like anybody is keeping a tally.
This
Personally, I don't give gifts for the acknowledgement of what I did, I give gifts for people to enjoy them. If it were me, I wouldn't stop giving gifts out of spite, it seems childish.
This. I wouldn't stop giving gifts out of spite, I'd just stop giving gifts because they're adults now.
They're adults. I'd stop sending because of that.
As for thank you notes-I do send them for certain things/from certain people.
But you know they don't send them. Why are you looking for them?!?!
Stop sending birthday presents to these people. They're too old for it.
Unless you're invited to a birthday party or the child is under age 5, you're not obligated to send a present to a young adult for every birthday.
Lots of people don't send thank-you notes these days. I feel like the decent thing to do in the year 2013, if you receive in the mail, is to send an email or pick up the phone and thank the person that way.
Honestly, I hate the thought that when I give a gift I'm obligating that recipient to a note-writing chore. I'd rather they just call me or email me. Lots of things about etiquette change over time. This is one that's changing.
They are too old for birthday gifts. Stop sending them. Also, at high school and college age, they should have at least the common courtesy to send a text, quick email or call to say thanks and that they received the gift. I find that to be extemely rude.
I agree with the other posters that a formal thank you note really isn't the norm anymore, but I think those "kids" should have the courtesy to at least tell you that they received the gift.
I know where you are coming from. No one. I mean NO one in my DH's side of the family ever sends a thank you note. Not for a wedding gifts we have sent. We even sent his cousin a $50 gift card for his high school graduation and he didn't so much as send an email or text to say thanks, fine you are a 17 yr old boy you don't want to write a note, but say something. Then our wedding came and went and his aunt and uncle (this boys parents) didn't acknowledge it. I know its not tit for tat and it's pretty petty but BOY I WISH i could have that $50 back. If not for the fact that they couldn't acknowledge OUR special occasion but that it went so under-appreciated.
I don't think tis "Asking for something "to get a thank you card. Or that you are expecting anything "from someone" unless of course ,you count "expecting good manners" into the scheme. I don't care if thank you notes are dying out because of texts or emails, there is something wrong with not telling someone you appreciate all they did for you---it takes 2 seconds!
If they don't have 2 seconds to give you, I wouldn't spend time and money picking out their gifts
However, if they are under 13, then they probably don't know any better and are "children" and i would continue to give them gifts until their 13th bday,
I don't see a problem with a coming of age type book on etiquette.
The Little Pink Book of Etiquette: A Civilized Person's Guide to Getting it Right Emily Post's Etiquette, 18th Edition
There were several girls in my class who got an Emily Post book for their HS graduation. (One of them kindly donated their copy to me
) We all laughed about it at the time, but we all read the book cover to cover. I know I still reference mine from time to time.
Pet peave of mine!!! I was brought up to always send a thank you note. i remember my mom even teaching me to take $10 or whatever from my birthday communion or christmas money and purchasing a nice package of thank you notes. I was told that no one has to give you anything and the least you can do is acknowldge them. who wouldn't want to be thanked?
To this day I have never recieved a thank you note form my inlaws and husbands family for anything! however, I forgot to send a thank you to my husbands parents friend for a christmas card? and my MIL called to speak to me about my manners! WTF?!
I'm with you!!!! I have stopped "spoiling" husbands nephew because we are never acknowlsged for anything. He's 6 and when he turned 1 husband and I were dating and I literally went overboard ion the kids. My SIL never even thanked me. still continues. they never acknowldge anything. now we send a card and savings bond. christmas is 1 gift.
IMO emailing, Facebooking or texting is a lazy and cheesy way to thank someone. If you don't send a thank you note in the mail, it shouldn't kill you to pick up the phone and TALK to the person for a minute and say thank you.
edited to say I think technology is great but people are becoming so impersonal. This culture is becoming very lame.