Sex & Romance
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My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years. When we first got together we had sex anywhere and everywhere. 2 times a day atleast, the past 6 months to a year, he never wants too.. He's always too tired or just doesn't feel like it. I am 19 and he is 21. We have lived together for about a year. I have gained 30 pounds since we got together so it makes me feel like he's not attracted to me anymore. When I talk to him about it he tells me that's not it and I believe him because he is touchy feelu, just never wants to a tally have sex anymore.. I'm to the point of wanting to cry, being depressed and just wanting to sleep on the couch because it bothers me so bad. It's like we are an old married couple... Please help guys. Give me some tips!
Re: My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex
The relationship is over.
Cut your losses and go. Why are you beating a dead horse? You like to have sex; he is no longer interested. Find another boyfriend.
Get some therapy; that you're chasing a mirage shows me that you are not too fussy in your choices for a boyfriend.
That you were dumb enough to put up with this for a year says it all.
This relationship is over. It's shitty but it happens.
You're also only 19 years old. Why are you living with some guy? running away from a bad home? That's probably it. (and I wonder how the 2 of you, age 19 and 21 are managing to survive in this dead-assed economy; very doubtful the 2 of you have jobs that pay well enough where you can pay for rent, utilities, food, car insurance, car payments and the whole 9 yards)
A 21 year old making how much? I find that hard to believe. I know adults in their 50s with advanced degrees who are not making that kind of money.
Very rarely is a 21 year old boy ready to live with somebody -- and if he does not want to have sex, why are you pursuing a relationship with him?
Guys aren't easy to find so you're willing to settle for a guy who wants all the convenience of living wiht you but refuses to get intimate?
You've got big problems if you are setting the bar this low. You're willing to settle for anything.
I don't think it's your weight gain but if it makes you feel insecure, perhaps get on a work-out plan. I would ask him if it's not your weight gain, then what is the problem, what changed? His lack of desire could be health-related (perhaps suggest him visiting a Dr), stress at work or other things. If you don't want to break up because of this, tell him you'd like to see a sex therapist. If he doesn't want to see Dr, therapist or give you honest answer of what changed, it's your decision to stay or go. At his age, most are extremely in the mood, (married, dating or single).....so I can see your concern, good luck
(not sure where you live but in our area (zip 77469) just 46 acres is $8,135,039)
MUD much?
I think so.
I don't have to spell it out for ya: a guy wants to have sex with you or he does not.
He's just not into having sex with you. How many times do we need to say it for you to get it?
I say the relationship is over -- and this is why it is not, repeat not, a good idea to buy a house with a boyfriend. Anything can happen; if you split up and both your names are on the deed, you'll have to see an attorney to unravel the mess.
However, if there was no house involved where it's joint property, you could just go "bye it's been fun" and pack your stuff and be done with it.
21 year old guys are very very fickle. They go through women like sh!t through a goose. Take the high road on this and give him the benefit of the doubt: say goodbye and end this relationship. There is nothing in it for you.
First you say he won't go horizontal and now you say it's once every 3 weeks or so.
If you do not like the infrequency of the sex, say goodbye. Nothing is going to turn him into a sex machine.
You don't stay with someone because it's hard to find someone else. Ridiculous reasoning. You're 19. GO SEE THE WORLD.
Wow...ask for advice....and you end up having to defend yourself more then actually getting advice.
Actually....some of the stuff they said did sound like reasonable advice, I just felt like it was unnecessary to talk 'down' to you so much.
Your living arrangements and finances are completely YOUR BUSINESS!
Ok....so as for the weight gain....sadly, it can affect his attraction for you. Some men only like skinny girls. (Not that I think weighing 160 lbs makes you fat)
The real issue here is that YOU are not getting your needs met in this relationship. No...you probably don't want to 'base' a relationship on sex....but at the same time....that theory only really works when you are getting enough sex.
Wanting sex more than once a month is NOT UNREASONABLE! I think it actually makes you quite normal.
Whatever the reason for his lack of sex....it all sounds like a deal breaker to me:( I am sorry...you probably do not want to hear that. But there is a reason he is not putting out....and it probably is NOT a good reason.
Good Luck making this difficult decision...I know it can be heartbreaking.
Make a pregnancy ticker
I don't know much about boyfriends and sex as I have only been with my husband, but I can say that we both go through odd phases where we don't want to for one reason or another. I'm 21 and he's 22.
And to all other posters who were criticizing this lovely young lady's finances and living situation. It is possible. I am taking a while to get my degree as an engineer and am already making $20 an hour as an intern and I have some friends making around $30 depending on where they work. My husband and I do decently well for ourselves too. Also, land can be very cheap if you know the right person who wants rid of it.
There are probably no benefits involved. This is the joy of hiring an intern: they are young, callow and work for very very cheap.
First off, let me say that I'm sorry you're going through these issues, but I just read your post saying that you showed him this, and it seems to be helping, so good for you! Sometimes couples go through periods of little to no sex, and then alot..you know? Communication is key! Sometimes men need a wakeup call. I'm mainly replying in your defense to some very critical people on here.
I'm 22, I've run my own business from age 15, and when I'm not pregnant(which I am currently), I make bank for my age/this economy. I'm a Professional horse trainer, and I charge upwards of $800.00 per horse per 30 days, most horses stay 60-90 days, and I usually take in 8-10 horses a month. I also teach riding lessons, at $35.00 a pop, multiples throughout the day, and do marketing. I do this from April/May-November each year, and then take a break in the winter. By the time I was 19, I owned 40 acres, with a house, barn, and an arena. My husband is 26 years old, and he makes between $20.00-30.00 an hour, thats not counting hazard pay and overtime, as a Wildland Firefighter for the US Forest Service. He works from April/May-October/November. This season they broke 900 hours of overtime. Which is time and a half. He's been a wildland firefighter since he was 15.And, if it counts for anything, he also owned his own home when we met.
We own our house, we own 3 vehicles, everything is insured, we have no major debt (except my upcoming hospital bills), and we have breathing room financially. So for anyone who tells you that you can't possibly be responsible at 19 and 21, really needs to get off their high horse.
And in regards to "It's like we are an old married couple..." You're going to feel that way sometimes. The newness of your relationship has worn off,and you're getting into that comfortable stage. If you absolutly couldn't work the sex issue out, then yes, maybe it's time to move on, but if you love him, and he loves you, you can work it out. Start trying to find new ways to spice up your love life. Talk with him indepth about new positions, toys, fantasies, ect ect. Most people go through this after being with a person for any extended period of time.
And, I also want to say, to the people who are saying that you're 19, you need to get out and live....by the time I was 19, I had traveled to almost every state, multiple countries, I had gone out on my own, and was more well traveled and versed in life than people double my age. And at 22, I'm more than ready to settle down with my husband and have our baby and relax. What works for one person, doesn't always work for another. I think it sounds like you're on the right track, and if it's what works for you, make it happen!
I can NOT believe you took the time of day to explain yourself to her. Your finances and your job and where you live have NOTHING to do with your question.
Tarpon your answers are ridiculous. All of them and who are you to ask or judge about her personal life. Either answer the question at hand or click out of the topic. You are incredibly rude and presumptuous and quite frankly even though you try to make yourself look educated and intelligent, you do the exact opposite.
Having sex all day = a fixed relationship?
I swear - I'm not trying to be condescending or talking down to you. I'm trying to open your eyes. There is more to life than praying for a good sex life and wondering if it will disappear again. You are 19 and have not experienced more. It's not a criticism, it is a fact. Whether you choose to stay or choose to go is up to you, but I will say that staying because you're scared of the unknown is the wrong reason. Every. time. No matter the situation.
It's okay to look at your relationship with someone, admit that it's not working for you, and leave. It's FINE. It is not a good idea to rationalize problems or expect them to magically disappear. One fix doesn't equal a lifetime of happiness. These problems will crop up again - how you respond to them is up to you.
first i want to say congratulations on being what seems to be a strong young woman that is not afraid to work for what she wants.
That being said I know how you feel and I have been in the same situation. My boyfriend and I were high school sweethearts and have now been together for just over 4 years and have waves of this too (we were together 3 years at the end of high school and start of collage and after being apart for 8 years are now back together, so for all you that want to assume I am just too young to understand that's not the case we are in our late 20's early 30's) Living together and having the responsibility of a home and life together is hard and can affect you in many ways some we may not even know and that stress can lead to a lack of sexual desire. It seems he is hardworking and is trying to make a good life for the two of you and this is where the male ego can bite them in the....well you know. Even if they aren't trying some guys start to loose the drive because of stress or they are just as they say tired from working and it can even lead to E.D, and any mishaps sexually (sometime even something we don't notice but they do) to a guy and throw him off. Sometimes you just get into a rut. The fact that you two talk about it is good. It may help to try little thing that you know turn him on, a sexy text message, putting on something you know he likes to bed or even when you go out together, or just a kiss a special way. Doing one or two of these a night and not expecting it to lead to full sex may, over some time, make him feel less stressed and his desire to have sex may increase. You two are young enjoy the comfort and security that you are building and it will fall in place. If you keep trying but not make it the make or brake in the relationship you will be less stressed and it will get better. Being with someone, even more so when you are young because everyone will tell you it won't last, is hard and takes a lot of work but the rewards are amazing when you give it your all. Good Luck and I wish you all the best love in the world.
people like you are the reason that the divorce rate is so high with the lazy notion that if it's has an issue throw it out and get a new one. how about showing the young woman the way it should be WORK ON IT before throwing it out
100% Agree!!!!
Not really sure why people are attacking you and making an issue out of something that has nothing to do with the advice you asked for.. People can be rude. As far as how much you make or where you live doesn't concern me in the least nor do I care... Don't feel as though you have to prove something to anyone.
As far as your issue.. I understand how you feel and how difficult it can be to deal with this problem as well as damaging to your self esteem. It does make you feel like there's something wrong with you. As far as the weight gain, I agree with one of the posts.. It sounds like you are not comfortable with the weight gain, try to start up an exercise routine as well as watch what you eat. Include him in the exercise routine as exercising helps to boost your metabolism thus giving one more energy. That could be part of his problem, feeling tired not enough energy. The other thing is talk to him about this situation.. Be frank and blunt, however allow him to speak as well don't make him feel bad about it either. Believe it or not this makes the issue worse and puts more pressure on him. The other thing is to try fun new "activities".. Be open. If the problem persist and you feel you've exhausted all your efforts do not believe what the general consensus is.. Sex IS a big deal in a relationship.. If the problem continues then you should think about how you want to live your life... Do you want to spend the rest of your life depressed on the couch feeling bad about yourself or do you want to take a chance at making yourself happy and getting back out in the dating world. Your young, this is the time to enjoy your sexuality and life!
Tarponmonoxide:
Quite miserable, aren't we? Geesh...Not to judge, and stoop to your level, but I'm guessing you've had some pretty bad experiences with men in your lifetime. You sound like you could use more advice/therapy than the original poster. Probably in your 40's and have a divorce or two under your belt. Well, I'm sorry, but you don't have to take out your misery on someone else. People come on here looking for helpful advice, and if you can't give your honest, yet RESPECTFUL opinion/advice on something, then keep your rudeness to yourself.