Relationships
allymarves22
member
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different views
My fiance and I have been together for almost 6 years, engaged for 1.5 years and will be getting married in August. Lately, especailly after the recent election, I have noticed we have very different views on a lot of things. I am a urban pediatric nurse and I find myself exposed to alot of poverty and people in need of help and I consider myself very compassionate and understanding to this. I was raised a Democrat and believe in alot (not all, but alot) of liberal point of views. My fiance however is a truck driver who has completely different views about the world. He is 100% republican. He doesnt believe in "handouts" and does not have any compassion for people in need, so it seems. He also would like to get a gun, I am opposed to this all together, I always have been. We cant seem to agree on anything. I also recently started going to church and expanding my spirituality, I have found that its changing me for the better and I really love it, but he wants nothing to do with church. I dont see him ever changing his mind. We cannot even express our opinions to one another without an arguement because we are so different. It seems like lately, when he goes left, I go right. Every opinion we have is different it seems and it has been creating a wedge between us. How can you spend the rest of your life with someone and potentially raise children with someone who you share completely different opinions on life itself? We are so in love and have so much fun together, but recently, when a hard topic comes up, its downhill from there. I am worried about our future, help!
Re: different views
You have to decide whether or not this is deal breaker for you. I think a lot of that will depend on how well you guys can agree to disagree.
Have you talked about how you would raise your children when it comes to religion? My mom was a practicing Catholic and my dad was an atheist, and it never had a negative impact on their marriage. However, they both agreed that my mom would raise us kids Catholic and my father would stay home from church and not have to pretend to believe something when he didn't. It wasn't an issue for my parents, although I do think that my mom's life would have been easier had she married another Catholic man. However, my parents have always been able to discuss their differences calmly and respectfully, which is very important.
DH and I agree on religion, but when we first met, I was more liberal and he was more conservative. It actually was a bit of a turn off for me at first, but again, we were able to discuss our differing views calmly and respectfully, We share many of the same values and can usually reach some kind of understanding. Actually, over the past 8 years, DH's views have evolved quite a bit. He's still fiscally conservative, but he's more compassionate and agrees with many government programs. He doesn't even refer to himself as a conservative anymore. I've changed my mind on a few thing, too...so you never know what you'll believe in years from now.
Having said all that, I'm not sure I could be with someone whose religious AND political views were so far apart from mine. Especially if we got into an argument every time one of us expressed our opinion. Honestly, that shows that one or both of you isn't openminded or listening well. And that would be way more troubling to me than a simple differing of views.
You guys need to really think about whether you are compatible for the long haul. Having fun together may not always be enough; it would helpful if you shared at least a few values, too.
I can't speak for what to do in this situation, but I am going to point out something in your post.
You very much come across as your way (the liberal way) of thinking is correct, compassionate, kind, nice, appropriate and his way of thinking, the republican way, is wrong, mean, uninformed, etc. That's a problem right there.
Both sides have valid points about the matters facing this country. The only way we are ever going to make a significant difference is if both sides get their heads out of their asses, start hearing what the other side has to say, and making compromises. On a small scale, that's what you have here.
What you choose to do is up to you. You can sit down and have a nice, informed and civil conversation about your differences and how to bring them together or you cannot. Since you aren't running the country or raising a child, it isn't necessary. But, it does do to be self-aware.
I would say these same words to your husband, but since I don't have his words, I can only respond to you.
The gun would be the dealbreaker for me --- and it's possible for a non-observer and somebody observant to live together; what about having kids? Are you in favor of ensuring the child has a spiritual upbringing? Is he okay with this?
Have you discussed the topic of kids and yes, suppose you wish to ensure that your child has a religious background and he doesn't want that at all? Would you be fully okay with that?
You'll have to decide what the dealbreaker is here; to me, it would be the gun.
My husband and I never really discussed politics in depth, but of course with the election that just passed, political discussions were running rampant in our house. I'm a raging liberal and democrat. My husband, on the other hand, considers himself "nonpartisan" and wasn't even a registered voter. It kind of frustrated me that he didn't care one way or another, or even have any opinion at all. I would have rather him be a conservative republican, if it meant he atleast had an opinion.
He agreed to watch the debates with me, and even sent me some political articles via email during the process. It seemed he was paying attention, and that made me happy. He definitely isn't as much of a liberal as me, nor is he conservative in any way. I'd say he's moderate. We did and still do argue over certain things, like obamacare and gun control. I'm adamant about never having a gun in our house, and he sees no issue with it, and even wants to consider getting one in the future. (wont happen : ) We just don't let the arguments get out of control, and if I see either of us getting too passionate or angry with one another, we nip it in the bud. We're not going to let our political views ruin our marriage, because when it comes down to it, it doesn't have anything to do with us, or why we love eachother. Religion i think is a little different. Neither of us are very religious, and if one of us was, I think that'd be harder to ignore.
I picked up on this too. I apologize if it's not what you do at all. But bottom line there isn't anything wrong with not wanting to help out others and things like that. It doesn't make you a bad person. BUT again this is just what I picked up on. For all we know he is truly rude about how he feels. Either way yo need to decide whats important to you. Working on agreeing to disagree or your beliefs. No way of living is right or wrong in the others eyes and that is something you two either accept or learn to find a partner who is 100 percent like you in views.
So Republicans are jerks who don't want to help people?!? Yeah, no.
Hmmm, okay I couldn't marry someone who didn't have the same morals as me. Politics do not follow under that for me but it seems it does for you. The Church thing is not that big a deal, I'm a third generation woman who married a man of a different faith. We agreed that because the Catholic Church made me sign a contract before our wedding we would raise our kids Catholic. He will stay home on Sundays and watch football after he helps us get ready to go.
On the gun issue, only you can choose if this and him being a Republican are deal breakers for you. To be very clear, Republicans are not @$$ holes who refuse to help. You really should do some research on the party before you start spouting off crap like this. You may lose or have trouble making friends if you don't.
I agree that you need to be able to respect your FI's views. As others said, you can't be set on changing him, or that your way is the right way.
However, this could be a warning sign for you. Are you upset that he doesn't have the same political views as you, or is there something deeper going on? In my past marriage, my xh had opposite political views on many things. However, it wasn't his conservative viewpoint that pissed me off. It was that he was voting a certain way because his family did. He never did any of his own research on political issues, or tried to educate himself. He simply followed the rest of the pack. Maybe I'm off base here, and it has nothing to do with your situation, but that was mine.
In my current relationship, my FI is much more conservative than I am, but we can have meaningful discussions. We may not agree, but we can understand the other side. We know we won't sway the other, but it is interesting to share knowledge and broaden our perspectives. I think the reason we don't fight is because we know that when it all boils down, we respect one another.
GL.
It's fine for people to have different political views. Thank goodness you don't have to vote as a couple! And I don't know why but political discussions turn heated and disrespectful, almost no matter who you're discussing it with (of a different party.) For me, this would just be an area that we didn't really discuss, and if we did respectfully agreeing to disagree would be a MUST.
Personally, the religion thing would be more of a deal breaker. I've rarely seen a marriage where differing religions didn't cause major conflict at some point, usually when kids get involved. For me, I would be afraid that even if Dh wasn't vocal about his disagreement with my religion, his non-participation would open a can of worms in the form of setting an example for the kids. I knew religion was a deal breaker for me. However, it's not for everyone.
The hard thing about love is that you have to balance the "fun" with the practicality of a life together. Money, parenting, and religion are the biggest stressors in a marriage. (politics may fall in there too, but I don't remember them from the studies I've read) If you're compatible in two out of three, and are able to respect each other's differing viewpoints on the third, then you might be able to make it work. If you can't show each other respect, well that's another issue to tackle.
Best of luck!
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
I agree with what artbyallie says. My husband and I share political views. I have many friends that are Republican and we don't really discuss politics in too much depth. We can talk about it, it's not a taboo, and I respect their opinions, but I wouldn't choose to raise my future children with someone whose values differ so greatly from mine.
(And I'm sorry, but honestly SOME Republicans can sound heartless (go ahead, give me crap for that, I honestly could care less). For example, I've lost some friends on facebook who have posted awful hateful things about Obama, and about people who get "handouts", so I do see how it looks like they aren't as compassionate. It's just completely different philosophies, but to someone who believes every person deserves a fair chance in life, and access to health care, and equal rights, that view can comes across as crass and inconsiderate. It's extremely hard to listen to. And I would not subject myself to a lifetime of that, no way. In my opinion, this would be a deal breaker for a marriage, ESPECIALLY if the dude wants to by a gun.....we don't live in colonial America, nor some inner city, crime-filled project, so it's not a necessity.
Oh FFS. Really?!? You are calling an entire Political Party "heartless" because of lunatics on FB?!? WTF.
Well, howdy, Texas! Ummmm....nope. Did you read? I said SOME Republicans. I deliberately did NOT generalize, as I said, I have many republican friends. Again...read please.
Howdy Yankee. Had to throw Texas at me, huh? I did read, you made it perfectly clear, riddle me this. So it's okay and cool for Bush to the butt of every joke but not Obama? Nah, don't answer. It's been proven.
LOL well I guess this at least illustrates the example on why it is preferable to marry someone with similar political views! Imagine if we had to have sex now?! LOL. I know I'm not in the mood!
P.S. Calling Bush a moron, or Obama a monkey is seriously wrong on both ends. It's pretty disgusting and that kind of hatred is why our country is a mess. And yes, those "kinds" of Republicans OR Democrats, I can't relate to. You can be passionate about stuff, but when the hatred comes out, it just gets stupid.
::sigh:: Democrats post equally hateful stuff about Republican candidates but it's perfectly acceptable in this country to make fun of one party but not the other. Lovely double standard.
I don't know why you put "handouts" in quotes when, indeed, they are handouts. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but right there you are changing the wording of something from what it actually is to what you think it is in your mind. Not good.
I'm not a Republican. I'm not a Democrat. I'm an independent and will remain that way forever. I do, however, see the worth in both sides. I think it's insanely unfair to say that Republicans don't believe in a fair chance at life, equal rights, and access to healthcare. Both parties want that for everyone. However, how to get there is where they disagree. Democrats are fine taking from the rich and giving it to everyone while Republicans believe in earning your keep. Democrats have heart towards those in need. Republicans have heart towards those who take initiative to shape their own lives.
Both are right. Both are needed. A little more balance between the two would go a long way.
And, in the end, not every Republican is gun-toting, religious zealot and not every Democrat is an altrusitic, here's my bank account number philanthropist. I wish everyone would look more than surface-deep into both groups. Or, I wish they'd just think outside the box of the two parties. There's extremist on both sides and they are the only ones who end up in the arguments. The vast middle of both parties aren't so far apart.
I'm sorry you guys are having so much conflict around this. However, I'm not terribly surprised. It's very hard to be kind and polite in the face of dramatically dissenting opinions that people are passionate about. It's POSSIBLE, but it's hard.
It's hard to tell from your post how you and your sweetie actually talk to each other about this stuff. My parents were vehemently opposed, politically. My mother was a staunch socialist and my dad a lifelong republican. But I don't remember ever hearing them insult the other person's views or mock their beliefs. They just voted opposite and politely disagreed. It helped that they had very similar religious beliefs. You're facing double the work because of so much disagreement.
If you really want to stay with this guy I'd focus a lot of energy, on both your parts, to learn how to be kind, loving, and "agree to disagree". It will take a lot of work. It's much easier to hang out with people who all agree with you! But clearly something (or many somethings) about this guy are worth the effort to you. I wouldn't be surprised if there were books on this topic!
Good luck.
Don't get married until you sort this out. Marriage does not make your differences better. It is way easier to break off an engagement than to divorce later. It seems like your views are too different to ever meet in the middle.
I dated a staunch Republican who was very nice and kind, but his views on a woman's right to choose, entitlements for the underprivilaged and his views on homosexuality were very objectionable. I am not gay, but believe that thos who are have the same rights as heterosexuals. There were other deal breaker issues, but these are the first that come to mind.