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update from an old family feud
For those of you who have been on here for a while, you may remember me posting about a family feud between my mother and uncle after my grandfather died. It's been 2 years, and the feuding has gone from horrible, to sort of ok, (like they can be in the same room together), and back to horrible again. We had a few good months earlier last year where they "tried" for the sake of the family. But right before Christmas, they had a huge blow out. So we did not speak to my uncle, his wife or kids at all this holiday.
I adore my cousins. They are the closest thing I have to siblings. In the past when my mom and uncle fought, my aunt/cousins would still get together with me separately. We love each other and promised not to let the feud ruin the entire family. This time, when I spoke to her the day of the last fight, she said she can't do this rollercoaster anymore, and doesn't want anything to do with my uncle's "crazy" family. I was a bit surprised, because I have done everything to stay neutral (until this big fight where my uncle had the nerve to comment on the amount of money I received as a wedding gift from my grandmother! >:( ). I guess she means me also, because I called her a week ago, to say happy new year. She let it go to voicemail and did not call back.
I'm just devastated because I dont' want to lose touch with my aunt or cousins. But is it even possible to have a relationship with them if I never want to talk to my uncle again? It's so awkward cause I really never want to speak to him again. Is this a lost cause with my aunt and cousins? What should I do next?
Re: update from an old family feud
Sure, you could have a relationship w/ them if THEY wanted one with you. But if your aunt is cutting off contact - then clearly, no, you can't.
How old are your cousins? If they are young - under 18 - sadly chances are you aren't going to be able to have much of a relationship w/ them if your aunt is cutting ties. She's the parent and if she doens't want you in their lives, that's her call.
It all sounds very unfortunate, and this is a sad example of how $$ can ruin families. I'm sorry you're dealing w/ this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My cousins are 9yo and 13yo. I was my 13 year old cousin's confirmation sponsor last year, despite the feud (which was very bad at the time), she insisted on choosing me. I have always been close with them, but this feud is driving a wedge through our whole family. I have tried for 2 years to be the neutral one, as I mentioned, and pushed to have the "peace" happen. Obviously it didn't work out.
I'm so disappointed in my aunt because I always felt like she and I were the logical ones in this hot-headed family. I meant it when I promised never to let the feud affect my relationshop with my cousins. Would it be really bad if I wrote a letter to my cousins? Is that like harrassment? Not a bad letter, just one saying I love them, and no matter what happens with our parents, they can always call me, that I will always be there for them if they need me?
But here's why I say go through your aunt - I have a person in my life who I would really rather wasn't in my life. She actually cut off all contact w/ us for about 4 years, which was FINE by us. But she's recently reappeared and she's made somewhat odd/ misplaced overtures towards DS. I 'm not sure how to explain it, but it's more as if she doesn't REALLY want anything to do w /DH and I, but as she "has" to be around now (this is my BIL's very long term girlfriend), she's decided to focus on DS.
Anyhow- I don't really like her, I really don't want her all that involved in DS's life. If she ever, EVER tried to go behind our backs, to have contact w/ DS outside of my DH or I - I would be FURIOUS. The mama bear in me would come out - he is MY child and no one gets to have a relationship w him (while he's a child) that I don't have a say in/ am not privvy to.
It would absolutely make things between her and I worse (not that they are "bad", but they are SOOOOO superficial and I deal w/ her only because my IL's are too nice and overly accepting of her despite the $hit she pulled w/ all of us) and I would not welcome her into my home or life.
SO. That's why I say don't try to go around your aunt. It may only piss her off more.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks ECB. I appreciate you sharing that about your experiences, and I would agree, that woman would have NO place to contact your son behind your back! And were I in your shoes and that were to happen, I would also be furious.
I am not disagreeing with you regarding my situation, but things are a bit different. First, I am close family (that woman you spoke of is a girlfriend of a BIL). And I have NEVER written them off, even when things were at their worst, I made it to every birthday party, every school play, everything that is supportive of the kids, as well as my aunt and uncle. Even when my uncle was a total jerk to my mom, I still tried to be cordial, and sent him and my aunt birthday cards as well, hoping that this feud would eventually die down, and that my efforts would help bring things back to normal.
I am feeling so rejected. Like most of my family is turning their back on me. Not my mom, but even my grandma defends my uncle to no end, because he's the "man" of the family, and flat out denies any wrongdoing on his part...god this is a very long story, but he's said very damaging and abusive things to my mother in front of my grandmother and she acts like she didn't hear it or doesn't remember. TOTAL DENIAL. And now my aunt is doing the same thing. I pity her because she is married to an abuser. I dont think he does anything bad to the kids, actually he is somehow a great dad, just a sh1tty person otherwise. The way he treats his wife is awful, the way he speaks to his sister, and even his own mother, and me too, he has no respect for women. Anyway, sorry to vent.
Clearly the situations are different, but still - try to channel your aunt. she's making it clear (either of her own choice or because her husband is making her) that she doesn't want contact. Even you, a close family member, could upset her if you try to contact her children "behind her back". KWIM?
And you mention abuse - this could go a lot deeper than you realize, and if you push to keep contact w/ her or at least her kids - who knows what she's dealing w/ in regards to your uncle. He might be the actual puppet master here and to push her for access to their kids, you might piss HIM off.
I'm not saying turn your back on them, but you need to try and look at the big picture and have a better understanding of what's going on. If she is, in fact, in an abusive relationship - she may not have nearly the choice/control you seem to think she has. She may not be thinking w/ a clear mind.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with ECB that you shouldn't go behind your aunt's back since your cousins are minors, and it's likely to make her even more mad. I'd still try to attend their events (if you're aware of them) and send stuff for holidays, birthdays, or "thinking of you," but make sure you label everything with your return address so it's clear that you're not trying to sneak anything past the parents.
Hopefully if you remain positive and stay out of the drama, they will come back around once the drama dies down. And if there is abuse going on, they might really appreciate having someone they can turn to if they've burned their bridges with others.
Thanks to you both. Definitely will not try to contact the kids without going through my aunt. You are both right. I even was "iffy" on it, because like I mentioned in my OP, I don't know if that would look like harrassment or some craziness. I'll stick with generic things, like bday cards. Even those, I will clearly mark from me, so it's not a secret. Thanks again!