Family Matters
WildFlower2350
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My hubby still smokes
I hate it, I cry, I nag...he says he is working on it but he has such a strong mind that in my opinion he actually isnt try as hard as I think he can. I love him more than anything and understand I cant make him stop-he has to want to. Please no negative comments..someone on another board suggested divorce! He's my husband and the love of my life so for better or for worse..but has anyone dealt with a spouse who was "trying" to quit smoking? How did you deal with it? He says i need to trust him and to stop reminding him every chance I get...so I guess this is my way of venting without nagging him to death.
Re: My hubby still smokes
You say you know you can't make him, but yet you cry and nag and "remind"....???
Stop crying and nagging. Back off. Give him time.
But you HAVE to realize - you married a smoker. He may never quit. You have to learn to accept this. Because honestly, if you don't let up on the nagging and "reminding", you may create other issues in your marriage.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I empathize with you. As a very young child who woke up one Saturday too early for even cartoons, I caught a documentary in the very early 80's about the effects of smoking.
BOTH my parents smoked liked chimneys. I hid their cartons of cigs, begged,pleaded, etc with them my whole life to stop smoking.
Now at 35+ years old, my mother has had triple bypass and COPD, my father...pure luck...seems healthy still but yeah they just NOW are starting to take stopping smoking seriously.
I'm sorry I have no words of real advice. Maybe gently make him aware of the newest meds and alternative ways of helping people to stop smoking. Those vapor cigs are big in my area.
Good Luck!
Has he tried the patch? Smokenders? Visit the American Cancer Society website; I believe there are quitting tips on their website.
No amount of begging or nagging or pleading will get him to quit. He has to want to quit because he wants to.
He smokes. You knew this before you married him. You must now recognize the distinct possibility that he may *never* quit. You should have realized this before the wedding, honestly. Can you live with that?
My husband smokes. I'm mostly indifferent to it. Why? Because he's an adult who must make his own choices. The best way for someone to quit a behavior is to WANT to quit it. If the desire to quit comes from anywhere else - say an upset wife - it won't be genuine. Instead, it will most likely lead to failure, resentment, and secrecy.
Back off.
In thinking about it more- the only other thing I would suggest to do is once you've backed off and given him some space, revisit the topic and TALK to him about his supposed desire to quit. Does he actually want to, and if so, is there anything you can do to help him/ support him? What does he need from you?
But realize that his response might still be simply to 'back off', and if that is what he needs, then do it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Were you the person that posted on The Bump? I guess I have different advice depending on whether or not there are kids (or future kids) in the picture.
If you're not pregnant and married DH knowing he's a smoker, I think you need to back off a little bit. Maybe pick one night and have a talk with him and ask him what he's doing and what his goals are for quitting (maybe consider getting professional help), and then back off and let him work his plan.
If you're pregnant or have kids, I'd be very firm that there is to be no smoking in the house or around you and kids, and that he would need to change his clothing after smoking. I would consider bringing it up at an OB or pedi appt and let him hear from a doctor how bad 2nd and 3rd hand smoke is.
If you don't want to be married to a smoker, why did you date a smoker, continue to date a smoker, then become engaged to a smoker, and ultimately marry a smoker?
When you bring it up with him next, talk to him like an adult. Ask if he wants to quit for HIM or if he is just saying that to make you happy.
I like to help, so if I was in this situation I would be asking what I can do to help - buy the gum, the patch, Chantix, e-cig, sign up for a hypnosis or acupuncture appointment, anything. However, I'd continue to make it clear that I'm not going to waste my money if he isn't going to commit.
Also, it can be a long process. Maybe come to a few agreements. (i.e. only outside, or only certain times of the day, or X number of cigs per day, etc.) and slowly he may wean off of them. How many does he currently smoke a day?
thanks vpine...i appreciate it...and to those that offered encouragement and not judgement, i appreciate that too. listen, i get it, i knew this before i married him, its been an on-going conversation but i love him and he is my best friend, so obviously i want him to be healthy and grow old with me. i don't need the sarcasm and negative comments, i was only venting online for a little support so i didn't do it at home.
ive backed off as much as i can for now. he doesn't do it in the house, i have no idea how much he smokes a day b/c he leaves for work before i get up and i only see the few cigarettes he has at night. i always ask "what do you need from me, how can i help support you? i love you and i will do whatever it is you want".
he had quit smoking before we met so initially, i didn't even know he was a smoker, it never came up until well into the relationship when he started again. he says he wants to quit and knows he has to. i guess i just have to pray something clicks and he does.
I agree with the PP, Give him a chance to do it. Quitting is tough, you need to be supportive, not nagging, and more than anything, he needs to want to quit, otherwise he won't be successful. I am a quitter and I had always struggled until I was finally ready to kick the habit. You cant force him to do it so ask him what his reservations are (if any) about quitting, does he want to, etc. He has already heard your side, have you taken time to listen to his?
If he tells you he's ready, ask him what you can do to be supportive. Does he want to try the gum or the patch? Give him some incentive, first week smoke free, he gets something small as a reward, and build it up to something he really wants, maybe after 3 months he can get a new TV or something. GL to you both.
You can't fix this.
This is one of those situations where you can't control his behavior- only your reaction to it. Nagging, pleading and drama aren't going to shame him into doing this for you. If anything, you'll only compromise your relationship or make him less likely to try again.
This is his problem not yours.
My husband smoked when we met. I'm not a huge fan of smoking, but I knew he smoked when we started dating. I had to accept that he might smoke for the rest of his life. But, you know what? He's a big boy. It's his decision. It's also his health and his business. I don't particularly like him judging/nagging/scolding me about my decisions, even if they are sort of self-destructive. Do I want him griping at me every time I eat a brownie? No. Nor do I want to micro-manage his life.
That being said, we did have some boundaries around the smoking. The most important one was that he didn't smoke in the house or the cars. These were in place before we got engaged. He and I both knew "the rules" about smoking, and we could both live with them.
Beyond that, it's none of my business. And, I knew that if I nagged him, he would smoke anyway and he'd resent my nagging... rightfully so.
Happily, he did quit smoking about 7 years ago -- when HE was ready.
What do you mean by this? Are you reserving the right to try to badger him into quitting at some time in the future? Are you saying that you feel that it's reasonable to only "back off" partially?
It seems like you haven't really accepted that he may NEVER quit. So all this stuff about "I know he has to be ready, I know I can't make him quit" is just BS.
At some basic level, you really feel that you have a say in this, don't you?
Yep this, if you didn't want a guy who was a smoker than you should have married a guy who didn't smoke.
Love.
And OP, you posted on a message board asking for advice. Not support. We are here to provide advice for your situation. You don't have to like it and look - surprise surprise, you're trying to control US and the responses you receive.
I haven't posted here in a VERY long time, but I'm breaking back in to it.
OP, seriously? This is a message board. A online forum, where people can come online for free and talk. You can't control what people say, so if you don't want people to be straight up and honest with you, I'd suggest you go away.
You can't make him quit. Period. Move on.