Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Warning: Venting and need some positivity
I'm new to the nest so be gentle please 
.
I used to love my job. I would wake up in the morning satisfied and content with the work I was doing - loved my co-workers and boss, and loved my family for being so supportive of a strong, motivated working women. A women that could take care of herself and could take care of others in the event something didn't go as planned. My mother was the main breadwinner in my house and I wanted to be just like her. I Didn't mind the late nights and the stressful days dealing with hard personalities - I didn't mind the traveling either. The advertising life was the one for me. I started in the advertising industry 10 years ago and worked during my BA in English and MA in communications.
Then I got married and bought a house with my wonderful husband. I was on track, or so I thought. The day it hit me was the first day back to work from my honeymoon. I hate my job. I hate my 1 hour (sometimes 2 hour depending on traffic) commute to work everyday. I dislike on a professional level, most of the people I work with because the people I used to work with have either been laid off or quit by now. I don't want to work until midnight anymore. It hit me that I am the punching bag between my clients, internal team, my boss, the finance department and the digital department. My boss is nice (sometimes) but by no means a mentor. The stress is the last straw. The unbelievable amount of stress that is on my shoulders on a daily basis is unimaginable. I can handle a good amount of stress - but when it's a crushing amount on a daily basis over a journal ad or a digital project - it's ridiculous. It took me 10 years to realize that! or I just got married and went nuts? They say that advertising brings about the same amount of stress and $$ as a doctor or lawyer. I'm not saving anyone with my journal ad, trust me - so what is all the stress over - and I don't make a crazy amount of money so really - what is the stress for?
It's been about a year since I've been married and at first I thought this feeling about work would lessen - but it hasn't - it's gotten worse. It's not just my job, it's the advertising industry - I'm done with it. It's to the point that I'm almost sick every Sunday night because I have to go back on Monday. I drive home almost everyday on the brink of crying, and spend my nights on job boards looking for another way to make money. I was so lucky to marry the type of person that I did. I wouldn't call him "old school" but there's been a few times where he's told me to just quit - that I'm not a failure at what I do - and that I just need a change in careers to get motivated again. Even if that change is to do nothing and be a stay at home mom. He wants me to do what makes me happy..
I think what's going on is that I'm battling with myself. Battling with the old driven - work my butt off and feel good about myself me, and the newly married/want to spend time with my hubby and not work so incredibly hard me. Does anyone understand what I'm feeling? I think what I'm looking for is a new opportunity - a new industry. A new job that offers normal hours. and a positive working environment where people aren't screaming at each other and it's considered normal. Something I can feel good about doing again - feel like I'm making an impact at my job. I'm not a stranger to hard work and I'm not opposed to it by any means, but I need something less stressful. A job where when we do choose to have kids, there is some flexibility, but with stability as well. Does that kind of a job even exist?
what is your job? Why do you like it? Am I nuts? or am I having a newly married crisis? lol
Re: Warning: Venting and need some positivity
i don't know if what i have to say is going to help at all, but i'll give it a shot.
my favorite band (the indigo girls) have a song that has a line in it that says, "every five years or so, i look back on my life, and i have a good laugh." it makes me think that we change as people, and grow and learn and, well, "become" so much in the years we live that in the ten years you've been working in this industry, maybe you've just outgrown it. you have certainly changed and grown as a person in ten years. that's a long time. and maybe it fit you "back then," and it fit you for quite a number of years, but it doesn't fit anymore. and that's okay. you just have to figure out what would fit now. there's nothing wrong with changing careers, going back to school, staying home with your babies...
i teach high school, and i try so hard to get the message into my students' heads that you DON'T just have that one chance to make your life happen. we have multiple chances throughout life to continuously make life happen. as we grow and change, we need to keep asking ourselves if we're happy, and if the answer is "no," then we need to do something about that. if your job is making you upset to the point of physical illness, sounds like it's time to figure something else out. and that's scary, but change is usually scary and sometimes awesome. that's just the nature of it.
i don't know if any of that even makes sense. but i hope it does.
I know exactly how you feel. I started in HR and moved to sales. I was working for a high profile company selling a high profile thing when I got married. I also grew up wanting to be a working woman and I had sacrificed a lot to get to where I was. 9am to 1am days happened quite a few times. When I got married it was a shock. All of a sudden I prioritized family life over my career.
At first I was really uncomfortable with this. It took a long time for me to admit my life was more important than my career. It was polar opposite to what I had been telling myself for a long time. How could I walk away from stupid money and such a high profile job? In the end I couldn't walk away and I stayed at the job I hated and resented. It got worse and worse and finally I made a crazy mistake that cost me the job. It was no one's fault but my own and it was terrible.
I was forced to take a few month off and rethink my career. I did research and located my ideal job at my ideal company but I couldn't get that job right away. I had to take a huge step back in pay to get some experience at some other random job for a year while continuously networking my way into my dream job. It was a long almost 2 years but I made it.
Don't make the same mistake I did and stay at a job you hate. Think about what you want in a job... Work life balance, money, content, people. Prioritize what's most important to you. If you are going to change industries you will probably have to take a significant step back to be able to move forward. You might want to consider consulting or doing contracts in advertising.. I hear that can be profitable.
You are not alone in this struggle. Don't use job boards, focus on LinkedIn. Good luck.
I went through this exactly! Before I was married, I used to do a lot of the weekend/night maintenance work. I didn't have a lot to do in my off hours, so I poured myself into work just to take up the time.
After I was married, I wanted to spend time with my spouse. I didn't want to be at the office all day and all night.
Well I have definetely felt the way you do and you did. I always wanted to grow up and be the "power" woman. Like in the movies, seeing these woman who had these amazing jobs- and could juggle it all being a mom, working long hours, and dinner on the table every night. But...sadly, that isn't reality.
I also, never wanted kids and I thought I could dedicate myself to my career.
And like you, I am in the ad business. After college I graduated and ended up at a small MarCom firm in Boston...it was my "foot in the door" to the major agencies (since youa re from MA i am assuming that maybe you work in one of the "big" firms in boston ala Arnold, Hill Holiday, etc etc). I kept applying for jobs in the larger firms and I couildn't get a job. I got really down on myself, so I ended up back in school to do my Master's. I stayed the entire time at that small firm. it nearly drove me insane. Sometimes, I would be called in to do press checks at midnight, after just working an entire full day, and going to class, staying up and doing homework-I'd have to go in there until 2 am and be expected to be back at work by 9 am the next day, bright and cheery. I had NO personal life whatsoever. It was hard to be a newly graduated 20 something living in the city and never see the light of day. I was sooo angry that I was missing out on the opportunities of my friends to be young and out having fun, that I started burning the candle at both ends. There was a day that I considered checking myself into the hospital for exhuastion because I wasn't sure I could go on.
The industry is really difficult .I ended up moving home to get my stuff together and found a job in Providence for a really small company. I am still doing Account service type stuff but its for non-profits so its a much slower past and longer deadlines (no moreget a job on Monday and do all teh creative and copy writing and get it out the door on Friday type stuff). I love the laid back enviornment.
Then just about a year ago (right before I got married) my whole "workaholic" perspective changed. I thought it was admirable to be a workaholic. I thought that it was seen as a challenge and you were "cool" to work a million hours. I'd look at my sales person at my old job writing emails at 4 am from her treadmill and think "wow look how successful she is!". Then one day I saw her crying because she was upset that daughter and her got into a fight and she went and called the nanny to complain about her mom. She felt like a failure.
I realized then, that life isn't ALL about making money and working hard.
But I know that part of it is the generation we are in. Our moms were really the first generation that was allowed and suceeding in corporate america.
Earlier this year I went away with my boss. Who owns a successful company and has two children. I told her in confidence that I wasn't sure I wanted to have children and that maybe I was meant to be a "career" woman instead. (i was still on the fence) She said she had the same feeling but had children because she wanted a family, but always worked full time. Then she said something to me that stuck w me she said "some of my friends had children and left their jobs, and their identities behind, how pathetic."
To imagine that someone would think that a job was an identity, and that raising children could be seen as something that is pathetic to do full time made me upset. I think our moms generation kind of has that outlook, becuase they had to work SO hard to get where they are. It seems like people that age had ingrained in their heads that you had to work to be successful and now as a cavet to that many of us watched our moms work and now that we might be moms don't really want the same for our children....And now, in the rash of that, I know that if I want kids I don't really want to work because I know how much it hurt to have my mom miss my 8th grade graduation and have to buy store bought cupcakes for bake sales and pretend they were her own and never pick me up from camp on time, ever. and when she did arrive to things be dishoveled and distracted from her work, no matter how hard she tried.
So bascially my long babbling is this you aren't alone. But I have to say, just this week I applied for a job at a big advertising firm in boston. My husband and i talked and we decided this is the last time I can work hard and sock away money to prepare for the future. We are on the 5 year plan for babies, so my goal was to get into a big company, start making more money, deal with teh headaches for the short term 5-6 years and then hopefully be able to take some time off once we decide to have children. So i know i am being a total hrpocrite to say youa ren't alone and that you change your mind and you are allowed to and that I found this "peace" in being out of that insane atmosphere I was in, just to say i applied for it again-- but its for a greater good.
Maybe you can think of your own job now as for the "greater good" and then be able to save up and do things now that you can't do when you have kids.
I work in the business world and I definitely understand, what I call, "The Sunday night blues." It does sound like you are getting worn out, over worked, and less motivated. At this point, I would continue to look for a new job...even if it is in the same industry sometimes the change in people and place can boost your esteem again.
I definitely also understand the wanting to cry due to stress part. Sometimes I get yelled at by different clients/employees multiple times a day, and I don't get paid enough for that. However, I remind myself that I too want to be like my Mother and be the worker, mother, wife, the family glue.
I try to tell myself every morning that today is a new day and no matter what people do to bring me down only I can bring myself back up. Also, my Mom always told me, "work stays at work...don't bring it home with you." I have followed her advice and it has saved me a lot of hard nights at home.
Good luck!
I love this response, not just because the Indigo Girls are also my favorite band!
What I read in your post was that you've grown. Your priorities changed. It seemed very sudden (post wedding/honeymoon) and maybe that event was a huge catalyst for change in your life. I had a huge catalyst, it was the death of my mother. She died of cancer at age 50. I'm 32 already. If I don't live my life in the present I might not get time later. That DRAMATICALLY changed my views on life. I got divorced from a marriage I was unhappy with. I refocused my education/work goals. I started actually taking weekends and practicing self-care (for me that's hobbies, friends, pleasure books, exercise). I had been letting ALL of that go for years "on my quest for my doctorate and professional success". Well, turns out, I am MUCH happier when I'm not on a quest, I'm on a journey and enjoying the path not just the end point.
Back to you. You sound like when you were younger you were on a quest to be the high powered woman. Then you got older. You got married and are now realizing that your priorities are shifting. THAT'S NORMAL! Awesome! Growth! I love growing! So, think about what you really want. Change careers if you want. Start working toward a work/life balance you can sustain. Start practicing leaving by X pm every night. Changing such an ingrained lifestyle takes time. Also, expect push back from your employer (if you stay). They're used to the old you who worked ALL the time. This is a process. I still suck at not responding to email at any hour. But I mostly go home by 6 and usually only work 1 day a weekend. Sometimes NO days over the weekend! That's huge progress from a couple years ago and I'll get even better once there are babies involved.
Most importantly. You only get one life. You only get 1 now. If you want to be at work, be at work. But if you want to be home with your husband, start changing
I completely agree with every single post here, and have to say this is my favorite post of the week!!
I think the topic and all the responses here are so true, and I love the Indigo Girls quote as well!!
I did want to add one other thing I noticed in your original post. You brought up how you feel like you are not making a difference, like doctors and lawyers would. LOL I understand this feeling, and would have the same feeling when working on Logos and being driven nuts over a font, or a color. It's like...does this REALLY matter?????? Then I found a way to take my skills and apply them to something that DOES make a difference. I do freelance for a nonprofit. So now when I'm having to fix colors/fonts etc, at least it actually is for a greater good. So I would recommend looking into careers, or even outside of work activities (if you stay at your job) where you can maybe volunteer and use your skills to make a difference. Perhaps try looking into jobs that you can use those advertising skills to help raise awareness for a cause. You get my drift.
The money might not be as awesome, but you now have a hubby who can help with the bills. It sounds to me like it's surely time to move on, when you get that anxiety feeling from a job, it's no bueno. You have definitely shifted your priorities, and as others said, that is completely ok. Appreciate that you had those years to experience that "power woman" role, and embrace the change and the future!
GREAT point. Humans want a sense of purpose in their life. For many that's family. For some it's a mix of family & something to pass on to humanity as a whole. Maybe an artistic legacy, etc. I DEFINITELY need to see how my work has purpose in the world. I chose to use my engineering skills to work in medical devices for global health instead of the much more glutted field of western 1st world health. In early college I thought I'd end up building computer processors for gaming and HATED the idea that it didn't fulfill a 'greater purpose'. Purpose is a very human desire and should be listened to. If you're not getting that in this job consider re-mapping your transferable skills to a different field.