Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Unexpected pregnancy after years of being told I was infertile
When I was a teenager I was told I had severe PCOS and that I would not be able to have a child. When I was in my early 20s this diagnosis was confirmed again by another doctor. I was again told I had severe PCOS and that pregnancy would be a virtual impossibility. I accepted that I would never be a mother. I got married 4 months ago. My husband doesn't want children, and is significantly older than me. Everything had been going well until recently, when I got what seemed to be a nasty stomach flu. I started getting awful pains in my abdomen, and my husband finally persuaded me to see a doctor.
The doctor told me I wasn't sick with the flu at all, and that I am
actually pregnant. 6 weeks, in fact. I was in shock, and still am. The
doctor said many women with PCOS get pregnant and are incorrectly told
they're infertile, and that must have happened to me, but I'm still
baffled as to how this even happened.Obviously we weren't using birth control, since we thought I was infertile, but I've thought I was infertile for over a decade, it's unreal to think I am pregnant.
Last night I told my husband that I'm pregnant and he was shocked too, and less than happy. He really, really had no desire to be a parent, and that even contributed to the breakup of his first marriage. He had to go off to be on his own for a while, then when he came back told me that he would support me no matter what my decision, though I can tell that he still doesn't want to be a father.
As for myself, I don't even know about my feelings toward parenthood, since I never even thought it was an option. I know for a fact that I absolutely cannot do it without my husband, not financially, physically, or emotionally. But I don't know what I want. I think a part of me is terrified of motherhood, and terrified of losing my husband, despite his promise to stay. My mother was a really, really shitty mother, and I'm scared of being a shitty mother too. But another part of me is? I don't know how to describe. Not exactly happy or relieved? reverential? I don't believe in fate or "meant to be" or anything like that, but I appreciate coincidence and rarity. The fact that I'm supposed to not be able to have children and yet this tiny little embryo has settled down in an inhospitable environment is? pretty staggering.
I feel so lost and it's not like I have an unlimited amount of time to decide what to do. I could use any and all advice anyone can give me.
Re: Unexpected pregnancy after years of being told I was infertile
I have no experience with this. Just wanted to send you a big hug and I hope you can come to a decision that makes you both happy.
Sometimes I like lists. Making a pros and cons list sounds incredibly dorky, but it can help organize my thoughts/feelings. Writing things down can also be great 'cus you can take your time to say exactly what you want. You and H can't interrupt eachother's thoughts when you're reading the other person's list. Sounds like your H might need time to internally process things. Writing something down might give him the time and privacy he needs. It can be more comfortable and less confrontational than a face to face conversation.
This.
What are some of the reasons why he doesn't want to be a father?
Does he have a good relationship with his parents?
Your mom was shitty, how about your dad?
It's a shocking revelation, and I wish you a happy and healthy nine months, but sometimes it's not so exciting in the beginning. TBH, I had a pregnancy scare recently and as much as I really want kids - I don't want them now.
If neither of you are on board when you're due, adoption is always a possibility. There are many couples that want to be parents but cannot conceive.