Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
asking for money
so my SIL's husband, who dh and i have only met once or twice is really ill and in the hospital. I feel really bad for him and he is in a medical induced coma in order to help heal what he is suffering from.
While I feel really bad... SIL is constantly calling us asking us to help her out financially to help pay for medical bills...
She knows that my DH just lost his job, so I am really annoyed.
today on facebook she posted a thing that they set up a bank account at a local bank (we live across the country) for anyone that wants to go into the bank and give them money.
I feel like tis is unbelievably rude. Also I know that their aunt offered to buy her some groceries and go clean up their home, since they haven't been home and she replied "i really just need money to pay my phone bill" so i know the money in the account is going to go towards her "phone bill "which had been unpaid for months.
i guess I'm just venting about how mad i am about this situation. And it is tainting her husband's illness and overshadowing the importance of what he needs now which is love and support.
on a side note, i feel really guilty, but i have only met the guy twice and though i care about him, since he is family- i dont feel the need to give htem money or check in on dh's sister constantly. Actually, just a year ago my dad was in the ICU for a serious condition and had a risky surgery. They had his last rights read to him and we all were worried if he would come out of it. And Dh's sister didn't so much as call or ask how i was doing. I don't mean to be petty or tit for tat but cmon.
also, a month before our wedding earlier this year, my grandmother died. She was one of my best friends. on the day of her funeral dh's sister called and ask for me to buy her plane ticket to our wedding. i told her that i couldnt talk, i was going to my nana's funeral (i thought she called to give her condolences) and she made a huge huff and hung up the phone on me...that was hte last time i spoke to her...
i think DH's family thinks im a total jerk for not giving her more support or giving her money right now, but i think she is totally self serving and selfish and a brat. i know her husband is suffering, but i'd rather do something to help him directly---though I'm not sure what that is
I'm not really asking anything just had to vent about this since I can't vent to dh about his family
Re: asking for money
I know you didn't ask for an opinion or advice but I have some.
Actions and your personal time will always mean way more then money. Especially when you can't afford to help them out financially yourself. Next time she calls begging for money put your own feelings aside and offer up to help out emotionally or some other way but you can't give any money. If she can't take that then there is her true character.
But in my opinion I don't blame you for feeling the way you do but life isn't about paying people back if they were rude. It's about treating others how you want to be treated. And if you want to be treated a certain way then it has to start with you.
I'm so sorry you're stuck in this position. If she comes to you directly to ask for money, I would let her know that money is very tight in your household at the moment, but you're sending lots of thoughts and prayers their way. I might also send a "thinking of you" card from time to time.
Nobody should hold it against you for not contributing money- especially if DH just lost his job. And to be honest, if hospital bills are what they need help with, those are going to be so high that any individual contributions are unlikely to make much of a dent. What would probably help is with smaller bills, meals, cooking, etc., but that is hard to do from across the country.
As PP mentioned, if she rebuffs your attempts at emotional support, you'll really know where you stand with her, and I wouldn't worry about trying to maintain much of a relationship moving forward.
Ugh. What a crap situation all the way around.
Is he still in the coma to heal? If he was awake, you could send him something to occupy his time.
When my dad was in the hospital, a friend sent him some puzzle books (sudoku, crosswords, word searches), mechanical pencils (so he didn't need a pencil sharpener), and a stress ball. It was something to do besides watch TV. Plus it wasn't something huge that he had to cart home with him later. Other ideas might be a deck of cards, silly putty, a yo-yo. Or some of those brain teaser type toys like this:
If I was going to do anything for SIL, I'd send food- fruit basket, edible arrangements, muffins, etc. It's easy to forget to take care of yourself or you get to be too drained to want to prepare food. Something she can grab and go can be really nice.
I was in the hospital for a couple of weeks and even though we were hardly struggling, my aunt had a week's worth of groceries ordered online and delivered to our house for my husband and kids - even included a few funny treats for them like a case of beer, frozen pizzas and some chocolate bars.
It was very, very sweet and thoughtful and it really meant a lot to us that she had done that.
I think your SIL is being way over the top and rude. I wouldn't give money, but I'd maybe send some groceries her way, or a gift card to a grocery store or something.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Oh she will hit you for money. Count on it. Also, make sure you or your H do NOT sign anything at the Hospital or the funeral home. You don't want to be on the hook for any payments.
I kind of want to disagree with everyone, but without knowing the whole picture, it's really hard to judge this...so at best take this as devil's advocate...
She probably really does need money. Having a cell phone in the hospital is probably very important so that she can be there vs. at home and people are probably expecting her to stay in touch with updates.
And the medical expenses and probably outrageous and unplanned for...
While fruit baskets and gifts of stress balls, games, and activities are thoughtful...If I was wondering how I was going to make ends meet in an already desperate situation...someone spending 10$ on this stuff would drive me crazy, not make me feel better.
People often say to you when you're going through a medical crisis "please let me know if there is anything you need"...well she is, she is telling you she needs money. Whether or not you can give it is a different issue. But if you have the means to do anything, I would give what you can.