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The right thing to do but I'm nervous about it
I'm going to be as concise with this issue as I can. I just need feedback, reassurance, or an honest "get over it" if that's really what needs to happen.
DH and I have been together for close to eight years, will be married seven years this coming up Spring. We are both 41. He had no prior marriage. I was married once before, divorced, brought a four year old daughter into our marriage, DH adopted her. We have added two more daughters to our marriage. I am first generation Hispanic. Born, raised, and educated in the US. DH is white (Italian/Irish). My parents are divorced and I have three siblings. He has one older brother.
I have never really felt 100% comfortable with his parents from day one. It has been something unspoken about but I think most people pretty much feel whether or not they are "accepted" into a family from the beginning. I don't believe I am the wife that my in laws would have "picked" for their son...not sure if because of being divorced, Hispanic, Christian, perhaps all of the above. I'm OK with certain things but over the last year, I have noticed certain things that make it difficult for me to allow.
On several occasions, FIL has failed to introduce me to someone he knows but will introduce DH. I could be standing right there. Most recently, there was a gathering at a funeral and he did not introduce me. So I moved to another room. Yet, I overheard him introduce my BIL girlfriend with such excitement ("this is so and so and I hope she is my future DIL")On several occasions, in the last year alone, MIL has greeted everyone in a room and even in my own home and totally skipped over me. Not only is it hurtful, it's humiliating. The last time I saw them was a week ago and BIL house. There was a house full of people but my in laws left after everyone else had left, with the exception of me, DH, and the kids. DH went out to move our car, the in laws warmly said their good-byes to BIL and his girlfriend and proceeded to leave. They KNEW I was the only one left in the house but they left without even looking back.
I mentioned this to DH and he said he was sad, although he admitted he never noticed this. He thinks maybe his parents are really excited that BIL found a nice girl. I think this is disrespectful behavior, especially when they come into our home and treat me like I'm the hired help unworthy of greeting. I have never felt so humiliated and hurt. DH has agreed to talk with his parents but for some reason, I'm nervous about it. Nervous about being thrown under the bus, so to speak. Nervous because DH is going to discuss something that he claims he has not witnessed. Nervous because what if all of this backfires and I'm left to look like a difficult and divisive person, which I am not.
Please feel free to ask me any questions for clarification. There's just a lot of incidents and I'm finding it difficult to subject myself to this kind of treatment. I can't change their behavior or their feelings towards me but I CAN choose to not put myself in their presence and put up with this. DH has always said "Nancy, you wouldn't say s**t if you had a mouthfull" because he knows me as someone who is friendly, and respecful towards others. I didn't say anything sooner out of respect for him but this behavior just crosses the line.
Re: The right thing to do but I'm nervous about it
Yes, I greet both of them. I grew up in a typical Hispanic family, we greet with a hug and kiss upon arrival/departure. I find that they are apprehensive towards me but I have seen them greet their friends and other family members this way so it's not a cultural thing. I find that if I don't initiate, it does not happen. I have noticed this and now it has started to make me a bit apprehensive...like I get tense thinking "well do I or don't I".
They head south for the winter and leave in a week. They don't come back until late May. A part of me just wants to leave "well enough alone" but I know that's sweeping things under the rug. I don't want there to be tension but how much more of this can I take. Everyone has their breaking point and I've reached mine, or I'm frightfully close to it!
I personally would have spoken with MIL myself - to give specific examples since your husband wasn't there to witness these actions.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect MIL/FIL to address you with the same courtesy that they address anyone else in the room, and if they're not, DH should absolutely say something to them.
I don't think it will make you look difficult if DH explains that their repeated failure to acknowledge you and to extend the common courtesy of a greeting or introduction is hurtful to you, and that he expects them to treat you politely.
I would continue to make a point of greeting ILs and if there is somebody new at a gathering, I would go ahead and introduce myself if they ignored me. They're just going to look rude if they act like you're not there.
I'm curious about how they treat your children? If they are leaving in a week I say wait until they come back, no use in bringing it up now. BUT, your DH needs to pay attention and the minute he realizes you are in fact being treated in such a hurtful way he needs to speak up. Also, he may be right the ILs are excited his brother has a nice girl. Depends on the women he dated before this one.
One thing you allow them to treat you this way because you don't stand up for yourself. They treat you this way either because they think it okay to do so since you take it or they have become accustom to it and see no reason to stop. You sound like a kind and respectful person, don't let them take advantage of those qualities.
I wanted to thank all of you ladies for your responses and good advice.
To answer the last question on how my in laws treat my children, the answer is great. In fact, many times when MIL comes to babysit, as soon as I open the front door she walks past me (more often than not) and falls to her knees to greet whichever child is closest. The fact that they are loving towards the children had made it all that more difficult to bring up to DH. For a long time I just brushed it off but the more I think about it, it just doesn't feel right and I find it quite disrespectful, regardless of race/culture to walk into a home without a simple greeting, to say the least.
I told DH that it would be prudent to wait until FIL/MIL get back in the late Spring to mention anything at all. No point in bringing this up days before they leave. I wouldn't want them leaving on that note and then making them apprehensive of calling us during the time they are away. We are not sweeping this under the rug but putting it on hold for now.