Relationships
cutesmile86
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
contact with my ex-fiance and moving on
After many months of having no contact, my ex fiance e-mailed me to wish me happy birthday. I just said thanks. On his birthday, I felt like maybe I should wish him well. He replied by saying it meant a lot coming from me. Then for Christmas, he send me Merry Christmas wishes and for New Year he also emailed me happy new year. Its not easy to hear from him bc I still have strong feelings for him. I got caught up with my emotions and oh my gosh I can't believe I responded by saying something stupid.
him> Happy New Years!
me> Happy New Year! I wish you the best this new year. Its all I want for you. No matter how hard this still is for me. I'll keep trying my best and trusting God.
Happy New Year!!!!
him>Hey, would you like to get together for coffee this weekend?
Me> I would love to one day be able to meet up for coffee and catch up. Unfortunately, I don't think its the best idea right now.
Its been almost a year and although there are some guys that show interest in me, I have absolutely no interest in dating. If I try talking to a guy, I keep comparing to the amazing chemistry my ex-fiance and I had. I start missing him. We had great chemistry but the deal breaker was that he couldn't admit how his actions or lack of were hurting our relationship. He showed me his unwillingness to make things better. I waited for 10 long years and things never really get better. I felt so lonely, ignored and unappreciated most of the time. I can't go back to being miserable.
How bad did I messed up with my reply? What should I do to start dating and leave how I feel for him in the past?
Re: contact with my ex-fiance and moving on
And probably a good year or 2 have gone by at this point; his behavior never changed in the whole time you were with him and you can bet he is still the same now.
Have you sought therapy?
Sounds to me like he's exhibiting the usual dog-in-the-manger, passive aggressive behavior. Your best bet is to not contact him any more, nor reply to any of his emails or texts. Please make a clean break of this.
For the fact that 10 years went by and this guy kept you over a barrel it would be a good idea to speak to a therapist. He dilly dallied and you permitted him to do so. You need to put yourself first, not wait around for some guy to be good and ready.
According to your prior posts, you were with this guy since about the end of middle school! You've had exactly one boyfriend -- him --- and believe me you, the ole addage of "there are more fish in the sea" may be old school but turns out it's true.
And as we are fond of saying on these boards: it is never a good idea to marry your high school prom date; posts like yours are why. The good news is that you are well rid of him. Settle for nothing less than the best.
You're about 26 now and your engagement has been over for close to a year. Don't worry --- you'll feel "right" about dating when you're ready to date -- and in the meanwhile, here is what I suggest:
Get out there and do something you have always wanted to do: take some classes, maybe work towards a master's degree, join a hobby related club or organization, learn a new sport, volunteer for a fund raising group. join the Y or sign up for some dance lessons -- these are only a few suggestions. What interests you? What's fun to you? go from there.:)
You sound like you've got a lot of time on your hands; why not kill 2 birds with one stone? You'll keep busy and make some new friends in the bargain and the busier you keep, the less time you'll have to brood and keep on thinking of your former FI.
There is no need for you to keep in touch with him at all.
I agree- you have to leave him in the past. Stop responding to him.
Therapy might help too.
As far as dating - I think it's good that you aren't 'ready'. I DO feel taking time to rediscover yourself is important. You DO NOT want to jump into another relationship anytime soon.
But - it may not hurt to just date. Casually. Here and there. See what's out there, see who you meet, and maybe what interests of theirs you like simply because YOU like them - not because of the guy.
Stretch your wings here a bit and just start enjoying yourself and looking towards the future. Not so much on the past.
Date just to have fun. don't date to look for a new boyfriend.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Let me roll the tape for you, so you know how reconnecting with your ex would go:
First you meet up for coffee. You will primp and fuss and worry about how you look. He will show up in whatever he put on that morning. You two will chat, laugh about old times and you will read every comment he makes for a sign that he wants to get back into a relationship with you. He will be kind to you, thinking that he really did a number on your heart and he feels bad. You will feel all warm and fuzzy over the reminiscing of your past relationship. You will sleep with him.
He will enjoy the sex, but it will not mean the same thing to him as it does to you. You will start to build a reunion in your head from this encounter. He will think that it was a nice f*ck for old times. You will get the scab over the wound of this breakup ripped off and you will be in pain all over again when 1.) he doesn't call, 2.) he doesn't want to date you again and 3.) the sex doesn't make him think "Oh My God, I need to get back together with her! She truly is the love of my life! I was a fool to let her go!"
I have been in your shoes. I have made the mistake that I outlined above. I tortured myself thinking that he was coming back to me with regret coursing through his veins. SAVE YOURSELF THE PAIN!!! Learn from my pathetic mistakes.
Now, just in case you are deluding yourself into thinking that this email exchange was his way to feel you out to restart your relationship...it wasn't.
A man who realizes after breaking up with a girl that he made a big mistake does the following things:
1.) He calls your friends or asks around if you are dating someone.
2.) When he finds out you are single, he contacts you and directly asks you out on a date. This date would not be PityCoffee as offered above.
3.) He looks you in the eye while on the date, tells you that he understands how much he hurt you by breaking things off, talks about how much he learned and how he is asking for a second chance to date you. That you were a great girlfriend, that he was a total fool for breaking up with you. He will actually grovel a bit.
Anything less than this is beneath you.
This is my vote. 'Dating' can be so forced and full of expectations and drama and insecurity and awkwardness. Doing awesome things and making friends is just good for you. If you meet a guy you really click with, great. If you don't, you were becoming a happier, more interesting person!
Change your number...now...and don't give it to him. Tell everyone why you changed it so they don't "help" and give it to him. And burn a picture, throw a gift of the bridge whatever, throw him into the past where he belongs. And keep it there. Try not to talk about him, vent on a punching bag. Live in this moment and be ready when the Mr. Right does does come knocking.
I got out of a 5 year relationship with a man I had children with, and Mr. Right was there the entire time. He knocked repeatedly and respectively. I told him no many times, but he kept he telling me how beautiful I was, when I was ready I asked him out. We have been together now for 4 years. I was single for 3 years after the first one. I felt very sure that there things I needed "to do" before I wanted to start dating. I thought about it, wrote them down and did most of them. Be specific to your friends. They are probably think they just want to help, or that you are ready. Be honest, ask for help if you need it. I knew that I wanted to make sure that I could eat dinner alone in my apartment, and still feel good about myself. I wanted to make sure that I was healthy and ready. I defiantly needed girlfriend time. I wanted to kiss a stranger on New Year's, I wanted to make finishing my education important. What do you want?
Stop torturing yourself by having contact with him. No good will come of it. He is a past boyfriend and he belongs in your past. There is absolutely no reason for you to talk to him again, ever.
He is the not one for you and your life isn't a drama or a romantic comedy. Like a pp mentioned, he isn't going to suddenly realize that your are the only one for him and will spend the rest of his life with you. Time to accept that and move on.
Plan a vacation, expand your skill set, try something that you were always afraid to, volunteer for a cause that is close to your heart, take a class in something you find interesting...just give your life more purpose and be more fulfilling. Who knows, with time you might be suprised who will be attracted to you when you are happy, healthy, fulfilled and confident.
It's actually normal of how you feel and how you're comparing other men to your ex. That will all fade away as time goes by. I think you shouldn't respond to anymore of his emails. Like you said, you don't want to go back to being miserable. Dropping all communication with him will help you move on, without him in your thoughts. I'm assuming you were with him for 10 yrs by what you've stated in your initial post. 10 years is a very long time and it isn't easy to just wipe someone out of your mind who has been in your life for that many years. Like some other's have stated, try doing new things and the things that interest you. If he emails you again then start putting his emails in your spam folder.
I was once engaged to someone I was with for 7 years, but I knew we would never be together forever and that's when I ended the engagement. Although, I was young, I still went through what you went through. We had the same friends, so I ended up being the one to not go to the parties and hanging out. Even though I still loved him, I was not in love with him and I knew I wouldn't ever go back to him again. I had to cut all communication with him and stop going to the same places I knew he'd be at. I started over again and I can't tell you how much I'm so glad I did it. I met so many new people, I experienced alot of new memories, and most importantly a great man who is now my husband came into my life.
It might seem impossible, but it truly isn't. One thing you don't want to do in life is go backwards. You always want to go forward with your head high.
Although I can hardly imagine the pain of letting go of a ten year relationship, I think a lot of the "chemistry" you felt may have been the result of "comfort".
A close friend of mine recently (6 months ago) ended a 7 year relationship after finally realizing her BF would never man up and help her sort out the problems they had. She's now engaged to a former friend and ecstatically happy.
I would suggest just doing little things to help you break out of your comfort zone. Maybe take a class, join a club, or just visit new bars/restaurants. I think feeling like a new person will help you move on from your past relationship and as a bonus, you might just meet someone new in the process.
P.S. Delete that cad's number and change yours! Absence may make the heart grow fonder but that's likely because it makes the HEAD grow forgetful.