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Loss of Interest in Sex, Boyfriend Handling it Poorly
Hi everyone,
About two months ago I started noticing that my desire to have sex wasn't what it used to be. It's gotten to the point where sex feels like a burden or a chore that I just have to get through; at the time I assumed it was the stress of just starting a graduate program. It became apparent that it might not go away by itself when I was on winter break and STILL had no interest in having sex with my boyfriend. We've been together for almost 3 years and are long distance now, I've never had this problem before, and have been on the same birth control for four years without issue. I'm completely lost as to what's happened to me and am embarrassed and frustrated by it.
When my boyfriend and I finally talked about it he became angry that I hadn't told him sooner and had been "keeping a secret" from him. I explained that it wasn't just him that I wasn't interested in and that it didn't seem like something I needed to actively address until this past month but he's still very angry about it and has started blaming me for "breaking our relationship apart." When I expressed that I had no idea what to do about it he told me I should know better and realize that it could be a physical problem, but beyond that told me he didn't know what to tell me and said he had trouble caring because he was so angry. I understand his frustration but am upset by the fact that he's so unsupportive in trying to help me work through this. I now feel more stressed than ever to "fix myself" to save our relationship and I feel like this is ultimately going to impact the situation negatively.
Can someone please tell me I'm not the only one this has happened to and maybe offer some suggestions on how to fix it if you've experienced this in the past? Help!
Re: Loss of Interest in Sex, Boyfriend Handling it Poorly
Secret you kept?? You were probably waiting to see if it was some sort of a phase that passed and then when it did not, you got concerned.
I think you need to get rid of this guy, based on his reaction to the problem you are having. Great guy; he isn't concerned about you, he isn't worried about you and most of all, he took this as an insult and personal affront and got angry at YOU!
Get rid of him and do it today.
I am willing to bet the relationship was over (at least it was on your end) and that's why you were no longer physically attracted to him..
you might want to bounce this off a counselor; nip this in the bud --- looks to me like you are willing to stay with a jerk whose number one concern is NOT making sure you are happy and satisfied. Nip this in the bud now before you attract more jerks to date. GL.
I am willing to bet the relationship was over (at least it was on your end) and that's why you were no longer physically attracted to him..
This is the only thing the OP said that I agree with.
I understand this is hard for you. I know I have gone through periods in my life when I felt the same way.
BUT you need to try to understand his frustration also. He is probably not only feeling sexually frustrated, BUT also feeling rejected and confused. Guys don't respond to those emotions the same way girls do...you gotta remember that.
Have you been to a counselor or doctor about this problem? Seriously if you are going to expect him to be understanding about cutting off sex, you need to show him you are actively trying to fix the problem.
Make a pregnancy ticker
I was on BC for about 2 years before I noticed a difference and it took another year before it occurred to me that it might have to do with it. Once I stopped using it my drive came back to normal over the next six months. I would talk to your doctor about it.
Regarding the boyfriend, that is tough. Other than trying to talk again when he's less angry may help. Try to hear his point of view but also explain that you didn't know it was anything to mention since everyone goes through fluxes in their desire and you told him as soon as you were worried. If he still thinks it is your fault, I don't think there is a magic way to make him see reason.
I had the same exact problem. Grad school was also when I lost interest in sex and even had those thoughts about it being a burden. I believe there are 2 reasons for this. The first was the incredible amount of stress and time constraints placed on me during grad school. Some people would say that sex could have been a stress reliever, however, this brings me to my second reason. For me I was grew up to believe sex was sin, so the act itself became even more stressful than relieving and my body became desensitized. I can say that now as a married woman I feel obligated to have sex, but I actively have to seek ways to make it interesting and my husband has learned that he has to put some effort in it too. With time its not just about raging hormones. I suppose what I am trying to say is, find ways to minimize stress, consider your values, and think about what the real reason behind your lack of interest really is and if there is anything your partner can do/change to help(then talk about it with him).
This is soooo easy. Take a moment and evaluate- are you really in love with him? And if you are- do you know what love means???
I think this guy is a friend, whom you feel emotionally attached to. Look into your relationship- was there a "deep" emotional yearning- a physical burning passion? I think he's your platonic pal and your trying to turn him into your dream date.
Set the bro free and find your own "prince charming". He obvi isn't it
I'm going through almost the same thing right now. I think that my lower drive may be due to a medication I am taking. Unfortunately, there are no direct substitutes for this medication, so I have to weigh the decision of 1. being sexually more eager and sick or 2. being physically healthy but sexually less-eager.
My husband confronted me about the issue of having less sex than previously (now once weekly). My husband's default reaction to anything he doesn't like/agree with is anger (I know, not a good trait, but I love many things about him and he is attempting to address his anger). He also attempts to hide relatively low self esteem, which is what I believe has really incited the anger. We discussed this issue 2 months ago and I told him I recognized that my libido has decreased in the last year and I would work on addressing it. In the past week, he has raised the issue again (and again expressed anger). The way I have chosen to address it (and it has worked to disarm him a bit) is:
1. Reassure him that I recognize it as a problem. Also, reassure him that I WANT to be a sexual couple (and haven't 'given up' on having a mutually rewarding sex life with him).
2. Reassure him that I find HIM attractive. Reassure that it isn't that I've become attracted to another man or I don't find my husband physically 'sexy'. By his recent increase in fitness and eating better, I really feel this is something he's concerned about.
3. Remind him that women are not as stimulated by visual stimuli as men are. It seems like something men should realize, but I think he 'forgot' this fact when faced with the perceived insult of me being less eager to have sex.
4. Talk through what I am doing/will do to address the problem (reading articles, internet research, I even bought a 'self help book'). I also explained some of the emotional steps I'm working on (ie: trying to initiate more, trying to relax more and separate home from school/work).
5. Talked through what HE could do to address the problem. I had to deliver this information hand-in-hand with what I am doing (so that it didn't sound like I was blaming him/his actions for this). I discussed that I need to feel emotionally close (and thus, when he reacts with anger, I don't feel emotionally close). I discussed that any proposition after 9pm faces a 50/50 chance of being refused (because I get tired! and being tired means I'm not excited by the prospects of a 30 minute 'sex-run'). I also reminded him of some of my erogenous zones (I don't think I've ever actually used that word in a sentence). Although he's well aware of what turns me on, I think reminding him that his touch could stimulate me made him feel a bit more reassured that it wasn't related to how attractive I find him.
6. Explain that I am concerned with the fact that he's unhappy with our SEX life (I emphasize 'sex' because I did highlight the fact that if he's unhappy with our MARRIED life, we have bigger problems and need to work on those before sex will follow). I put my libido in the context of a physical or emotional challenge. I used the example of taking out the trash vs. his anger adjustments. I said, "Libido is emotional and physical. It would be the equivalent of me asking [him] to never get angry again. He may work on improving, but it is not going to happen over a matter of weeks. Furthermore, if it were a matter of a household chore, I could take out the trash every day and it wouldn't matter if I hated every moment of it, because the trash would still end up gone. Having sex isn't like that. If I forced myself to have sex when not in the mood, the quality would suffer and [he] WOULD notice."
I don't know you or your relationship. You may be with a total ass. But, I know that anger can be blinding for men like my husband. And, we all have hang-up/deficiencies. I also am in a different situation because I'm married (and I think that making a marriage work is often a goal our generation doesn't emphasize). Just know that you are NOT alone in this. It does NOT mean that there's something wrong with you (even if your boyfriend tries to act like it's all your fault/problem). Most people's sex frequency decreases as they (and their relationships) age (not to mention as the stresses and obligations of 'life' get in the way). I believe that the key is to identify what works for you (as a person and as a couple) and aim for that. I truly would like to be turned on more often. However, if my husband wanted sex multiple times a day, we would be on a totally different (and not compatible) page. Instead, he wants a return to where we were when married two years ago - and I am trying to reassure him that this downturn is not indicative of the rest of our lives. Whatever happens with you and your boyfriend, trust your instinct and know that if you decide to leave the relationship, you will both be okay. If you feel the things you love about him outweigh this bout of being unsupportive, then try to reassure him. Once his anger subsides, the conversation you will be able to have with him will be a lot more therapeutic. Best of luck!