Family Matters
kr0403
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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in law divorce drama
My in laws are going through a divorce. Itmis starting to get ugly. Well my mil and 15yr old bil want to stay with us 3 days a week so that my fil can do work on their house. After all the work is done then they will move in with us while they build a house. I just dont want us to look like we r picking sides and I dont want us to fight more because of divorce drama. Oh and my fil lives across the street right now so that is awkward too. I just dont know how to handle this whole situation. I want to b there for my husband and for our family but i just dont know what to do. Any ideas??
Re: in law divorce drama
If you decide yes, I'd exclude FIL from the premises. That can make for a whole lot of mess if he is allowed onto the premises.
(If she needs to meet with him to discuss anything, she can go to a public place or where he is staying to do so)
You also need to discuss living arrangments, whether or not she will be paying room and board, how long they will be staying, etc.
Do not agree to let them live there until all the nuances are worked out.
Personally, I'd say no to letting MIL and BIL live there; let her find a temporary apartment; a 1 bedroom apartment will do. She can get a fold out couch and sleep there and her son can use the bedroom.
What bothers me about this is that it seems your DH has made up his mind about this w/o actually REALLY talking to you about it. this is YOUR home too and your life. You get a say. For him to railroad over you isn't fair.
At a minimum, guideline and expectations need to be spelled out. What if the house takes 2 years? Is your DH actually saying it's o.k. that they stay for 2 years? And what about $$? Is your DH expecting to let them stay rent free?
Um no-. It's one thing to help out family in a pinch for a brief period, but anything more than a temporary setup (like, a couple weeks) is just too much.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Oh, boy. There are red warning flags all over this situation.
You need to have a really calm, rational conversation with your H about this. I'm sure it's very painful for him to watch his parents go through this. You need to acknowledge to him that this is hard, and that he must be feeling pulled in a million directions right now.
BUT... then you need to remind him that this is a gigantic decision, and that it's not something you can just say "well, Mom's in need and we HAVE to help her out" without some discussion.
Then the two of you have to decide on two things: 1) whether or not to allow hismom and brother to move in, and 2) what structure and boundaries you will put on it if you do allow them to move in.
Some questions you need to cover before they move in, if they do, are:
--how long will they stay
--how much $ will his mom contribute toward rent/mortgage
--what living space mom and brother will have, what "house privileges" they'll have.
--who will be responsible for bringing in food and cooking meals? Will this be a joint effort or will everyone fend for themselves?
--what "rules" will be in place for the teenage brother? Will he be treated basically like an adult roommate, or will Mom still mostly be in charge of him?
Unfortunately, it sounds like your H has already given his mom the green light, over your objections. It may be hard for him to renege on this offer now. Ugh, what a mess.
Your husband needs to tell his mother "no". MIL can move into a rental or buy an existing house instead of getting a new one built. That might not be her number one choice, but no one's entitled to that whatever the circumstances.
Your main problem here is your husband. He is way too tied up with his family. Sure, family is important, but they shouldn't take precedence over his wife and your life in your home. It sounds like he just told you that all of this was going to happen instead of consulting you and including you in the decision-making process. Is this typical of him? Also, did FIL move in across the street from you, or did you move in across the street from him? Either way, is there a reason that you need to live so close to his dad?
A serious conversation with your husband about treating you as an equal partner and putting your marriage first is in order. Marriage counseling would probably be a good idea and he could probably also benefit from individual counseling to figure out how to be more independent from his family.
Seriously? Your TTC plans are on hold until their divorce and house building aspirations are finalized?? That is all kinds of crazy to me.
You need to put your foot down here. But you also need to sort things out with your husband because at the moment he seems to think he can make a MAJOR decision about who can live in your home regardless of how you feel. He is prioritising his mother over you.
It's one thing to take someone in for a week or even a month while some kind of important repair happens on their home. But this is very different.
If you don't feel you two can talk through this together, then seek counselling to help you communicate and get on the same page.
So, the FIL lives across the street and your DH thinks it is a good idea to have his Mom and brother live with you? He doesn't even think he should consider discussing this with you and makes a final decision? You shouldn't be thinking of having a child with him on this point alone, the part of not because other people's lives are in chaos is ridiculous.
There aren't even any rules in place for you to house them 3 days a week let alone an open ended time line of when a house would be built. Your DH needs to legitimately see the problems he is going to bring to your home. He needs to realize he is potentially damaging his own marriage by letting his mom move in and he needs to get it straight that you are his priority! There are going to be 2 divorces in that family if he doesn't see the light.
Write down the cons and I don't see any pros to this matter. One idea is to find out who has the better lawyer in their divorce and use that one when your time comes.
When you first posted about this a month ago, you said that 'since [you]'ve only been married for 3 and 1/2 years [you] need [your] space'. This was despite the fact that your MIL and FIL let you and DH live with them for a year when you needed their help. I wonder why you didn't give that info this time?
I understand needing and wanting space, but A) being married for "only" x number of years is a terrible argument, and
as I said in your original post, I'm sure your MIL and FIL needed THEIR space when they let you live with them for A YEAR.
Why even write this post, when you got advice and opinions last time but ignored them?
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70440933.aspx
We lived in a trailer on their land. We were not in the home all the time. And yes we have only been married 3 1/2 years and I wilk still with saying that because I feel like we are still starting out and trying to have our lives together and adding divorce drama to the mix is not something that will help. I just feel that having them here puts us in a spot of picking sides and having to put our lives on hold because they are going through a divorce. I love them all and will do whatever I can for them, but I just feel like this is not the right thing.
And my fil moved across the street after we did. I wish he hadnt, but these days he only cares about himself.
Your other thread was certainly more about "but we need our SPAAACE" than "we don't want to choose sides". You also never mentioned that you lived in a trailer on their land before. You had the perfect opportunity when everyone was telling you to return the help you were given.
I also don't know if it makes much of a difference that you weren't actually living in their house- they still helped you when you needed it, they still lost the use of THEIR space, and you should still help them if it is at all possible.
Seems like you're back-pedalling, to me.
Your husband and his family are going through something right now. Yes, it is his parents that are getting a divorce, but being someone that saw her parents go through a divorce as a young adult, its not easy. I actually think its harder as a young adult than it would be as a young child.
Your husband probably is just acting without thinking things all the way through. I'm sure this is hard for him because if he is really this concerned about the situation, then that leads me to believe he is close to his family. Now the boat is being rocked and the whole family troubled.
Its not impossible to be supportive and helpful to your husbands family without picking sides. Its not really fair that you guys are being put in this situation, because you are the children technically. If you do want to help and your MIL and BIL do in fact stay with you for a TEMPORARY period of time (definitely not until their new house is built), you just need to be frank with them and tell them you are not picking sides. If MIL and BIL are only staying with you a few days a week, you and husband can still see him on the other days, correct? Maybe organize a dinner with BIL and FIL so your FIL can see his boys? You are not even a sounding board for your MIL or FIL. You don't want to talk about their marriage, their divorce, or any of their problems. It wasn't your marriage. Any discussions of these topics WILL have an impact on your opinion of both of them.
Your little BIL is a different story. He will need someone to talk to. My brother was a senior in hs when my parents got a divorce. I wasn't around to talk to him about it all because I was at school, but he bottled a lot of his thoughts and questions up and it really started to take a toll on him. If you and your husband go out to eat or just run errands, maybe ask him to go along every once in a while.
Your TTC plans, I think it would be a responsbile choice to put them on hold for a couple of months. If divorce proceedings are already getting nasty, who knows what will happen when its final. If you are living on land that is owned by them, said land will be distributed in the settlement. If I were you, I'd start looking for other places to live. Just to be safe.
I thought your husband could use some help. He isn't getting a divorce, but his world is being rocked.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
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