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frustrated!
so im not your typical wife-the ideal 50's wife who cooks, cleans, etc...he knew this before marrying me, he said he loves to cook and has bc all he likes is meat and vegetables, so the times i have cook for him he doesnt like it-he says wheres the meat? is this it? etc...he says you know what i like...but im like this is what i like...i grew up in a house where what was served to you-you ate-if you didn't first of all it is rude and second of all you went hungry-my mom didnt play that game of "aw she only likes this so ill cook a different meal for her" i do clean and i do help out. he just expects it to be all the time-by that i dont even know what i mean, i work full time just like he does, although he does work more than me but still....im tired of he saying "well his wife packs his lunch for him" his wife cooks for him etc...isnt rule number one of marriage never to compare other marriages? seriously so mad! i have asked him to help me get our house decorated and make it a nice home but he always said, we dont need it, this is fine, (we have lived in our house 4 years and you would never know it bc none of our furniture matches, we dont have any decorations etc) i tell him it looks trashy but he always said that wasnt a priority paying off bills was...now all of a sudden he wants to do it all, great! i say freaking finally! but every thing i like he hates.....ahh!!!!!!!!!! hope we find a happy medium =/ does anyone have like a weekly plan or something that works for their household? bc we have no children now and if we cant be civil about how the house should be kept and who does what still i dont even want to imaging how chaotic it will be with a child....
Re: frustrated!
First of all, the first part of your post sounds as though you are being completely selfish. Why can't you make something that you both would like? If you are mostly making foods that you like (see "this is what I like"), then I can see why he would get frustrated. You need to find some kind of compromise, because if neither of you enjoy the same foods, then you'll need to figure out something new so that both of you can be happy.
I can appreciate the concept of eating what you're served, or else go hungry. But, that doesn't mean you should just cook what you want and ignore what your H might want.
Mine and H's rule is that whoever gets home first gets to cook dinner. However, we usually talk ahead of time about what sounds good for dinner and agree on something ahead of time. Do you two communicate about what you want to eat?
As for cleaning - I do agree that household chores should be split, because doing it all on your own can be overwhelming. However, this is also dependent on how much each of you is working. You say that you both work full time, but he tends to work more hours? How many more hours? Because if he has less time than you to do chores, then I would say that a little more of the responsibility does fall on you. But, once again, you need to communicate to him how much help you need. I went through something similar with my H, except that we both work 40 hours per week. Once I communicated how stressed I was about doing all the chores on my own, I made a list of the things that need to be done every week and had him pick out half of the chores that he wanted to do. You can do the same, but I also think it is only fair to assign him chores that he has time to do based on his schedule. If for some reason my H has to work extra hours during the week, I usually pick up some of the slack for him.
Comparing you to other wives is not okay, and you need to let him know. Have you even tried to communicate how him doing this makes you feel?
So now he is on board with decorating (because honestly, paying off your bills is more important than decorating), but he doesn't like the same things you like? Do you try to compromise? I only ask because you don't specify anywhere of any attempts to compromise, and most of the issues you have voiced come down to compromise. You both won't always like the same things, and it can be frustrating, but you'll find something. Just try to not let it frustrate you so much. Of all the things you could get in a fight about, decorating the house should be relatively low on the list.
Or the both of you prepare one meal on Sunday that can be eaten all week -- this is what I do --- make something like a meat loaf, roast chicken, turkey breast, chili, lasagna, etc.
The 2 of you need to equally do the housecleaning and everything else.
Keep a TO DO book of what needs to be done around the house/yard/household -- in it record everything that needs to be done on a daily, weekly biweekly and monthly basis. At the start of the week, sit down with him and go over the week's household activities. Decide who will do what and when.
I also lived in a house where you eat what's cooked for you and that's that, but that is a parent to a child rule, not husband and wife. I kind of feel sorry for your husband on that topic. Why in the world would you cook something you know he doesn't like and then say but it's what you like? That's so selfish. Why wouldn't you cook something you both like?
Have you tried talking to him and suggesting to split the chores equally? You said he knew you weren't a "50's wife who cooks and cleans" before you got married, but was he ok with that? It doesn't sound like it if he is asking you to pack him a lunch, although I see no harm in doing so.
TTC since September 2012
If you've been together for 4 years or more, surely by now you know the kinds of things you both can eat and enjoy. We are a whoever is home first makes dinner family. But if I am making something he won't like, I do usually make him something else. Or he makes it himself. He shouldn't have to eat stuff you make knowing he won't eat it.
As far as chores go, if you both work the same, they should be divided evenly. Sounds like you need a frank discussion about this.
With regards to decorating, it sounds like he is concerned about finances. Could you sit down and work out a budget plan? Like if we plan $x for a sofa, we can save for a new one in this much time. Or check out interest free financing. Lots of places offer same as cash for a year. Go over your budget together and see if you can't both get comfortable with a plan for that. If its a style thing, well, that's just marriage, you need to find some compromise. Maybe get some magazines or watch hgtv together.
do you like your husband? Do you respect him?
I ask because your original post sounds like you're talking about caring for someone you don't want to care for. As opposed to a partner you love who you value as a person and want to celebrate life with.
We split cooking, chores, and working in my house. We both have jobs. We both contribute to cooking. We talk about what we'll eat and agree on what we're going to eat. When we want something the other person doesn't like we make sure there's other stuff the other person wants. I care about my sweetheart and his happiness. We split the chores according to what we prefer doing, time, etc. When someone can't keep up with their part (like they're working overtime) the other person picks up the slack. Again, we love each other and want to succeed as a couple and household.
For decorating? who cares. I'd start with getting to the point where you can kindly communicate about your desires, opinions, and respecting the other person's desires and opinions.
Eh. From the original post it seems like he's already going the bulk of the work. She said the "times I have to cook " and that "I help out", the he works more than her and she's calling their house trashy because it's more important to her to have matching furniture than to pay off her debt. I'm sorry but aside from comparing her to other wives, her DH sounds like he's a lot easier to live with than she is. I get the impression that she's quite demanding and doesn't much like compromise. She's right in saying that it will be a mess when they have kids but it seems like that's more her fault than his.
OP, tell him to cut out that shiz about comparing you to other people. Then make a list of all the household chores and split it up according to who has more time at home. If he's working more hours than you, you should be doing more around the house than him. It's not about being a perfect 50s housewife, it's about being a responsible adult in a fair, mutually beneficial relationship.
Okay, first off this post has zero to do with a 1950s housewife. It does have everything to do with a lack of compromise in your marriage.
On the food issue, my H doesn't understand the concept of no meat at meals. I always make sure I cook meat, when he travels I make what a want. If I'm making something he may not like I warn him. It's then up to him to figure out his dinner or eat what I'm making. Also, I have a few family dishes I make that he isn't a huge fan of. He eats them with no complaint because I like them and I eat dishes that he makes that aren't my first choice. We RESPECT each other.
The comparing you to others wives is a huge red flag. If he wants that wife who does XY&Z then he should go find her. And you should tell him that. Comparing you to someone else is unfair and that other person may have an entire host of issues and bad habits that he knows nothing about.
As to your house, pick rooms that are important to you, have him do the same. If you both pick the same room work together to incorporate both your styles. Get decorating books, magazines & watch a ton of hgtv.
You both sound stubborn, immature and unwilling to compromise. Put off having children until you fix these issues. Children come with a ton of important decisions to make and issues.
First of all, I would suggest marriage or couples counseling...it's incredibly eye-opening and you BOTH could learn things you wouldn't otherwise learn about each other and how to communicate with each other (your needs, desires, issues, etc).
Secondly, I would recommend setting a date and discussing (and making a list) of what each of you will contribute to. This is important because although it sounds old-fashioned, everyone needs to know their role in the marriage and household.
My husband (then boyfriend/fiance) moved in together about 2 years before getting married. Our largest struggles and biggest fights were about how each of us felt like we were the ones ALWAYS or NEVER doing something.
For instance, we both wanted to cook when we first were living together, but we kept getting in each others' ways and fighting about it (which is SILLY, when I thought about it). We eventually had to talk about who does what (it sounds silly, but it worked!)...when each of you actually PICKS what each one does, it works and that person doesn't feel resentful about what the other ISN'T doing.
It's too difficult for some couples to share everything and all of the chores (it is for us!). My husband wants to have a say in all the decorating, but I've learned he'll veto everything....so instead I just buy what I like and what I think he won't hate...and then show it how I envision it when I get home. MOST of the time he likes it, PLUS he feels like I care about is opinion on it. Most men I know seem to have a difficult time envisioning what something is going to look like, so they just get frustrated when talking about decorating.
Good luck! Don't make it a competition...ask him what HE wants and try to accommodate. And tell him what YOU want to give him a chance to accommodate. You both will FAIL if you are just guessing what the other is wanting.