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Party as an olive branch?
My sister in law and I have not been getting along since before my dh and I were married, going on 4 years. She has blatenly told my husband she doesn't like me, avoids me at all events and even threatened to cause a scene at my wedding. It is a long story, but needless to say she doesn not get along with anyone in the family and everyone tells me to ignore her. It all started over me bringing a cheesecake over to her parents one night. She has an eating disorder and needs to control everything. She also is upset I stole her brother, because before me he always was very available to her for things she needed help with; computer issues, errands and helping with her 2 dogs. Now we have our life together.
My FIL is retiring and my husband asked if we could host the party at our house. I said yes and he said that SIL wanted to be apart of the planning. There is also another SIL but we have always gotten along. I'm worried about my SIL and how this will go. She has said that she doesn't come to our house because of our rules; she can;t yell at anyone ior curse when she is here. She says she can't promies her behavior so she doesn't come over. She is 42.
I see the party as an olive branch and am willing to try to make it work. I emailed her and my other SIL a list of possible ideas and the one wrote back with, just because it's your house doesn't mean it's your party. this is our dad not yours.
we did agree to split the party in thrids for costs, but since it is in 3 weeks, I feel we need some kind of plan.
I want as little drama as possible. any suggestions?
Re: Party as an olive branch?
Why hasn't your husband ever spoken up and told his sister to cut it out once and for all --- because what hurts you hurts HIM???
You have a cowardly husband problem, not a SIL problem.
The second she made it clear she disliked you and made it clear that she did not like you --- and he did NOT stand up for you --- you should have found a new guy. Nobody needs a coward who can't stand up for what is right.
The party is a very very small issue here: take your H to task and tell him that starting here and now he is to tell his sister where it's at and stand up for you -- and that he is to nail the lid shut on her bullshit here and now --- or he can go home and live with her.
I'm serious about this.
There are rules in your house you can't curse or this or that -- where's the rule that goes "You are to respect my wife and that is no questions asked"? I guess if he made the list of rules he very cheerfully omitted this one.
Don't even think of TTC with this guy. Your marriage is already full of problems, by fact of the matter that your H will not be a team with you. Don't bring a child into this mess.
I see no hope here for your marriage if he can't stick up for you. If he won't take your side in this, what else will he take your side in? Nothing.
The party is a very very small issue. Address the big issue: your husband will not stand up for you. Your marriage ain't got a snowball's chance in hell, thanks to this. GL.
my husband did stick up for me and has the entire time. saying there is no hope for my marriage is pretty harsh.
WE made the rules and not cursing at anyone is one of them. this includes me.
i understand that she is batshit crazy and everyone else does too. but she is still a member of the family and therefore i will never be fully rid of her.
I did tell him this. at the beginning before we were engaged i gave him an altimatum; me or her. we don't socialize with her and rarely see her. maybe 2x3 times a year max.
I thought we could do this party together and drama free.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Seriously. It's going to be a hot mess. Make it your husband's problem. It was his idea to host the party, wasn't it?
You all know what she's like. I don't know why your DH included her in the planning, and I'm really not sure why you see this as an "olive branch". Involving her isn't going to magically change who she is. Clearly, by the one email she's already sent you!
I get that you have good intentions, but as long as you live w/ this idea that she's going to change, you're only going to continue to be frustrated and upset by her. You have to start working with reality and start working with how you KNOW she's going to act - not how you WANT her to act.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Don't get involved in the planning. Your husband was the one who wanted to host, it's his dad, and his unpleasant sister. He needs to be the one dealing with all of this. You can just show up at the party and enjoy it.
Then his sticking up for you ain't been worth squat.
This bull should have ended when he told her to cut it out. Instead it's escalated -- and indeed there's no hope for your marriage if he can't put an end to this.
I can also suggest cutting her off. Do not keep in contact with her and tell them you won't attend any family events if SIL is there.
She's got an immaturity problem and possibly an emotional issue other than the eating disorder.
And you gave him an ultimatum and what happened?
You did not stand behind your words. he called your bluff so therefore you are his doormat now.
As I said, you should have found another guy once you found out about the sis. Why would you want a boyfriend who has a family member that treats you horridly?
passed the buck to the husband and just planned a girls day out with my friends. Ai will be showing up for the oarty when it starts at 6pm.
thanks for the input!
This woman is 42...do you REALLY think she will all the sudden change her ways. She doesn't think she is acting wrong so I don't see this going over well. She already proved how she sees your part in the planning. I would either bow out and not help pay and offer up the house as enough help or don't pass one single idea through her. Keep you communication minimal...that is the only way to avoid drama with that type of person
I think this is a great choice!!
Also, how do other members of the family deal with this situation?