Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Should I stay or should I go.......
So my husband had an affair for almost a year, he was away on business and was drunk in a hotel and brought a woman back from a bar. He then continued to skype, text and send emails to her for six months then stopped all contact with her when I became pregnant for the second time. He went away on business again and the woman contacted him on the year anniversary from when they hooked up in the hotel and it just happened to be when he was away so he skyped and texted her. I checked our cell phone bill one day and asked about extra charges and that's when he confessed that he had met someone. He said the emails and texting were mostly like a penpal thing asking how things were going etc. But he was doing other things with her while on skype. Since he was caught he has cut off all communication with her and says he wants to be with me and the kids and that he doesn't want to loose his family. Should I stay.....or should I go?
Re: Should I stay or should I go.......
Adultery is a dealbreaker. That is all that needs to be said....and done.
Btw, I see that bringing a kiddo into the picture will cure all. Right?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice,____________________.
You complete the above.
Get rid of his ass. Or as they say here on these boards: DTMFA.
Only you can answer that. Things are NEVER as black & white as "cheating is a deal breaker, leave him". You have a kid together now? That really complicates things.
Some people cheat and realize they genuinely want to live differently, people can forgive each other with time and communication, and the people choose to stay together. The Clintons are an example of this option. Bill definitely cheated on Hillary, but they're happy they stayed together. In the end it was better for them and their family. It's OK for people to make this choice.
Sometimes the cheater repeatedly offends and doesn't change their behavior. In some marriages the other partner is OK with this because they want the family unit more than a monogamous relationship. They can choose that. They can choose to have an open marriage. People can choose anything they want.
So, he cheated. For a year. Many people would kick him out or leave. What do you want to do? Do you believe he's changed? Do you require monogamy to have the marriage you want? The opinions of people on an internet forum don't matter.
Oh my sweetie, im so sorry this happend to you,
my opinion is that u should let him go. He needs to leave and let u be alone for awhile and keep in touch with ur family, ur gonna need alot of support, if necessary get a councler for help. I now its weird getting answers from strangers but trust me if u juss let that go and keep being with him, it will always be in ur mind and for any fight u will have with him you'll juss bring that (what he did to you) up for no resaon, i had a friend who was in some what the same position as you, and i was there for her and i was her councler. You need time to heal and let him work it back up since he let this relationship fall, its gonna be hard but if he really loves you, he will do what it takes to heal you...
Trust is one of the most important elements in a relationship. It can be a very hard bridge to cross if the trust boundaries have been broken but it takes both parties working equally together to rebuild those walls. You had mentioned this is the second incident with him and I feel for you because revisiting these emotions would be so challenging.
If I were in your shoes, I would have a very open conversation with him and lay out my expecations. No progress moving forward would send me packing.
He'll cheat again, and even if he didn't, it would be perfectly reasonable for you not to trust him anymore. Sometimes people cause so much damage with their poor choices that it can't be repaired, no matter how remorseful they are or how much effort they put into fixing it. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering what he's doing when he's out of town or who he's skyping with when you're not around? Is this the relationship model that you want your kids to grow up seeing?
Did he try to cover up the extra expenses or lie about what the extra charges were for?
If not, he may genuinely feel bad and want to work things out with you. If he confessed immediately when you brought up the charges, it's possible it's been weighing on him and he's felt guilty.
Totally up to you whether it's worth trying to work things out. If you do want to give it a shot, definitely do some couples counseling to work through the issues.
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To stay or leave is really up to you. I would kick his a out of my house so fast his head would spin. All his crap would be on the front lawn, locks would be changed and the garage would be reprogrammed.
When you have an H that travels you HAVE to be able to trust him. Only you can choose if you will or won't going forward. The emotional and physical damage and strain on myself wouldn't be worth it to me.
Getting drunk is one thing, getting drunk and taking a stranger to your hotel with you when you have a wife at home. He was totally in the wrong there. I understand some people would say work through it but not only did he cheat physically, but he has also lied to you and carried on an emotional connection with this woman behind your back.
If I were in your shoes, I would make him leave. There is no way to rebuild from the destruction he has created in your relationship. If you cannot trust a person there is no future. I wouldn't be able to forgive this and stay...
Good luck to you, do what you think is right for you and your kid(s), because that is what is most important.
Personally, it would probably be a deal breaker for me. Never being able to trust him while he was away, restablishing contact when I was pregnant and/or had a newborn, etc.
However, some couples have been able to move past adultery with intensive marital counseling. It seems mind boggling to me, but I've read/seen enough testimony about it to believe that it can work for some.
In the end, you don't HAVE to stay, and you don't HAVE to get divorced. The choice is up to you. It's a personal one and not one that can be made by, nor needs to be justified to, other people.
If you want him to go, you have every right - and I hope he's not douche enough to fight you on it. If you decide to stay, I can't tell you enough how important marriage counseling would be. Fear and shame will make him sorry for a while, but unless he learns some lifeskills that he is definitely lacking, he will do it again at some point.
Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
**6.30.12** I have found the one whom my soul loves.
Totally up to you in your unique relationship. I think that personally for me cheating is something I couldn't ever get over. However, some couples work past it. And it is WORK!
Can you ever trust him again? If yes, maybe it's worth the work to stay together. If you think you'll not be able to trust him because he's been unfaithful twice, then maybe it's worth the work to move on from this marriage. Your kids deserve a better role model who places them and you has his highest priorities. I hope he can become that person for your family! GL!