Family Matters
MEJOHNSO
member
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Should I be offended?
Hopefully, Cliffs Notes back story--my DH is the oldest in his family. After him is his brother and then the youngest of the 3 kids is his sister. DH and I got married back in early 2009. His brother started dating his now-fiance at the end of 2009, thus she was not in my wedding.
Now, his brother and his brother's fiance are getting married in August and have asked DH and DH's sister to be in the wedding. They have also asked the fiance of DH's sister to officiate the wedding as he was ordained online. Should I be offended that I am the only one out of the whole family to not be included in some way?
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Re: Should I be offended?
Should you be offended? Not unless you really want to be "special".
The courtesy of including siblings in a bridal party does not extend to in laws under ordinary circumstances. The choice of the SIL's FI as officient seems more opportunistic than anything.
Buy a kickass dress and have fun without any of the work.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Opportunistic in what sense?
Yes, I know it seems a little silly, but I can't help but feel a little hurt by the exclusion, whether intentional or unintentional.
As with most families, there is more to the back story. No one in the family was super excited about DH's brother asking her to marry him. She is a nice enough girl, but definitely has some quirks (being a little overpossessive, etc.) However, we have all come to the conclusion that as long as he's happy, that's what matters.
The weird thing is that she has been obsessed with DH's sister since meeting the family and has done everything to impress her, while not really trying that hard with DH or myself. So, to me, her including DH's sister and DH's sister FI is just another way to show that she values them at least a little more than us. I actually think if it were up to her, DH wouldn't be in the wedding either, but in spite of her efforts to come between them, DH and his brother have remained close and I know he would never dream of not including DH in the WP.
I guess it's just the way it is and should accept it and move on.
Step outside yourself. It would be weird if she tried to befriend your DH and not DH's sister....it might even look fishy. And, maybe, she just doesn't like DH or you. Who knows. Just let it go.
I wouldn't be offended if I were you- it's common in many families to include all siblings in the wedding party, which they did. I think having the other brother's FI officiate was probably due to the fact that she is ordained and would save them the time and expense of finding someone else to do it, and it's nice to have a family member involved.
I don't think they singled you out not to participate, but since you're not a sibling, you didn't get included.
I can't knock you for being a little hurt. Your feelings are your feelings. But I still think "offended" is a bit much.
I honestly feel this is an unfair pressure, though. Wedding planning is so hard as it is, and then trying to pick your BP. Who knows the reasons for asking your SIL's FI, but to basically have this expectation/ pressure that not only all the siblings must be in the wedding, but so must their SO's?
You're clearly not close to her. I genuinely don't understand why you'd really even want to be in the WP outside of "i'm the only one not included". It's not about your actual relationship w/ her. It's just about be "the only one".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
No.
It's their decision who to put in the wedding. You aren't owed a spot because you are a future sister-in-law. Being a guest is an honor, too.
I can understand having a knee-jerk reaction of upset, but let it go. It's okay.
Remember, you aren't a mind reader and she is allowed to choose whoever she pleases ? Maybe she is trying harder with his sister, and if she is, so what ? Maybe she thinks they have more in common? Maybe she sees more potential for a friendship there? Maybe it is just the fact that she is a blood relative and not an IL. Who knows.
Yes, it is ok to feel a bit hurt, but this is something I would keep to yourself.
"Do the best you can, until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
-Maya Angelou
If this is the case, and it's how it has always been, I don't know why you would have expected/wanted to be in the WP. Don't lose sleep over bullsh!t like this. It's stupid.
As far as the WP party goes, brides/grooms select their nearest and dearest, those that are most important to them. Clearly you aren't too important to her. And regarding her disinterest in you in general, whatever man. Really, who gives a crap?
Let this go. Life's too short!
Strictly speaking. She's not even really a sister-in-law, they will be married to brothers. The brother's sister- she's a sister-in-law.
Feel whatever you feel, but don't make this about you being butthurt.
**6.30.12** I have found the one whom my soul loves.
And, think about how much money you'll save not having to buy the dress and the other stuff to go with it...nails, hair, makeup, shoes, jewelry...
Thanks for all the advice to just let it go. I've simmered down a bit now. Interestingly enough, DH's sister dislikes her even more than I do and called me the other night to say she is dreading being in the wedding because of all the drama that is sure to ensue. So, yes, it is probably a blessing I don't have to deal with that/fork out money/have responsibility and I can just go and have fun.
Offended? I wouldnt be at all! In fact, I'd be HAPPIER that I wasnt asked!
Not having to buy a dress that I wouldnt wear again for a price I'd normally never pay would be the best part of it all!
I never understood why people are upset NOT to be asked