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Do you ever feel like a failure (as a parent)
I try not to be so hard on myself. I know we are in the middle of this storm called "age 3" but some times I feel like I must be doing this parenting thing all wrong. I know many of you have read my posts about her sleeping issues with has been a big stresser.
And then there's her dramatics. This morning her hood was "all wrong" in her carseat. Instead of just asking me to fix it, she had a full on screaming melt down. My patients in really wearing thin when it comes to the way the smallest thing turns into a major production.
So then we get to school...I was trying to hold the door open and get her to walk through the door (with a line of people behind us) and my purse slide down my arm and bumped her in the mouth. I saw it happen and it could not have hurt but again she had a HUGE reaction to a minor issue. I apologized and sent her into class where she loudly annouced to her teacher that "Mommy hit me with her purse and my face hurts so bad!!!"
and then I get the side eye from all the other parents.
I'm just exhausted. I feel like dd has not had a good day in so long. It's always something with her and I feel like it's all my fault.
Re: Do you ever feel like a failure (as a parent)
It is not your fault. Repeat. It is NOT your fault.
Seriously. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.
I'm not just saying this to make you feel better. Kids at age 3 are experts at taking the smallest thing inconvenience in the world and having a HUGE tantrum over it. Or refusing to do things that are ridiculously easy to do. (He is still frequently resisting the potty and having a few accidents a week.) Sometimes I am almost surprised when my tactics to distract Todd from his tantrum actually work.
Our fun from this morning:
When breakfast is over, the kids are supposed to go upstairs and brush their teeth. With DH out of town this week I am doing twice as much in the morning as usual, so I let them do it unsupervised. Heather can help Todd as needed. They are both capable of this.
Todd refused to go upstairs. For ten minutes and with frequent reminders about what he should be doing, he chose to lay on the floor and complain that he was cold. He missed his chance to brush his teeth.
Then when it was time to put on his shoes and coat, he was fighting me on it because he wanted to go brush his teeth. All nice attempts to smooth over the situation were thwarted. And he wouldn't let me put on his shoes.
Ultimately, I found myself wrestling to get him into his car seat (having thrown the shoes and coat onto the floor of the car) while he screamed "I WANT TO BRUSH MY TEETH" at the top of his lungs. I'm sure the construction workers at the house next door enjoyed the show.
I cannot WAIT until his 4th birthday.
No, I don't feel like a failure as a parent...and neither should you! It doesn't mean that I am perfect, or that I don't make mistakes, or that my kids don't have pull your hair out take a shot of vodka directly from the bottle type of melt downs. It doesn't mean that I don't question myself, feel massive amounts of guilt, or fear that our parenting style may permanently damage our kids requiring years of intensive therapy. It's not easy. It's not fabulous. I don't always feel good about myself as a mom. But, I love my children more than anything in this world and always strive to do my best by them. So even though I get in my own way of believing this sometimes, I know I am a good mom.
You are a good mom, if you weren't, you wouldn't be worrying about something like this. Chin up, you're doing a great job!
This. And I am terrified i am turning EJ into a terribly spoiled brat who has no manners. Like so many other things in life, we are our own worst critics. And it is so easy to fixate and focus on what went wrong in a day rather than what went well. Being tired can't help with any of this either. Cut yourself some slack. You are doing a great job.
So well said, Meghan!
Thank you for an awsome pep talk!
This sounds like something dd would do. How do you keep his behavior from bringing you down?
I feel like I've become so b!tchy lately. I used to have so much more patients.
I'll admit to feeling like a failure sometimes! I also fear that Lanna is going to be a huge brat. She has a lot of the same behavior issues as what you're describing and it makes me mental!
She was SO SWEET when she was two, before the drama of 3 corrupted her behavior. And I feel all of this pressure to make her stop when she's being bratty in front of other people, particularly my mom. She loves Lanna, but she's also a harsh critic at times and I know that she thinks I'm too lenient. Compared to other kids I know Lanna is very well behaved, especially in front of her peers. And I am very proud of her. But there are times when I try to diffuse her mood or get her to do something the way I want her to do it and I'm completely unsuccessful, and it's upsetting when that happens.
Overall I truly do believe that my kids are good kids and I'm following my instincts with raising them. There will be influences on their personalities beyond my control, but I want to be able to look back on my mothering and feel confident that I did it the way I saw fit, not the way someone else thought I should, for better or worse. But I won't say I never have my doubts that I'm doing a good job!
It wasn't that long ago that I posted here looking for strategies to help me regroup after a "battle" with a defiant kid. Some says I do better than others.
This morning, I admit, a few tears fell down my cheeks after I dropped T off at daycare. I tried to listen to something fun and not related to parenting on my way to work. Strategies:
1- Venting via text to my friends and husband. Specifically friends who will commiserate or find humor in the situation and not tell me what I should have done.
2- Ignore chores for the evening and knit after a bad bedtime. This usually happens at least once a week.
3- Trade off with DH or give myself a time out. (Hard this week with DH OOT.)
4- Breathe. Smile. Take a deep breath. Try to come at the problem in another way.
5- Hug my child. Tell him that I love him and move on. (Easier said than done sometimes.)
How time flies! Caileigh (9), Keira (6) & Eamon (3)
I totally agree with Meghan! I beat myself up constantly over choices I do/don't make as a parent. Granted, G is only 10 months, but still, I'm constantly second guessing myself.
You are a wonderful mother. Hang in there!
Age of 3 has sucked for us as well. I hope that there is a magic switch that turns when she hits 4. The other night DD was refusing to go to bed. I picked her up to carry her and she smacked me. My almost 4 year old smacked me. I was stunned. I marched her into her room; set her on her bed; closed the door; went downstairs and cried. She's only 3, but emotionally, that hurt..
Friday DH played the claw machine game for DD at Red Robin. He didn't win. She threw a screaming crying fit in the middle of Red Robin, demanding more money to play again. We were with one of my friends. I was mortified by her bratty behavior.
These are just 2 recent examples--there are many more throughout the course of the day. And they often do make me feel like a bad parent.. But when I stop to think about it, what could I have done differently? And if I did do something differently it's highly likely that the outcome would have been the same. Even if I would have screamed at Brinely for slapping me, it wouldn't have made me a bad parent or a failure.
We're human first, parents second. And 3 year olds are wee little heathens first, and humans second [:-P]
Yes, my almost 6 year old has her share of bad moments, too. They just happen less often and they happen in private 90% of the time. The other night she was horrible at bedtime, but it was the first time in months that we had a problem like that.
Oh great. I'd convinced myself that this kind of behavior would end sooner rather than later. I'd also hoped that it was unique to girls (particularly the clothing battles)!
I have to admit, I have mornings like that. Dragging myself out of bed. Only to get dressed and nothing fits or looks right. Then I am crabby the remainder of the day. Somedays I want to pitch a fit, but maturity has set in and I know better. But it would feel so good to just kick and scream and curl into a ball and cry.
Pretty much everyday. I know others said not to, but I'm a stresser/worrier by nature. And DD is a handful that tests every limit, pushes every boundary. DD has been a difficult kid from the get go and has definitely tested us. Last year when she was 3 was by far the worst. At least this year has been better but still has it's moments. I just keep on going and hoping that I'm not royally screwing her up!!
Oh and for the meantime, what I found eventually helpful at age 3 was using a reward/sticker chart. There have been some posts on this before and different versions, etc. But I did my own and was pretty simple but after really sticking to it after a while it did improve some of the more crazy behavior. We had a really significantly bad time in the mornings with dd flipping out and not getting ready and used the chart to help for that. It took a while but we did have some breakthroughs eventually.
It sounds like the sleep issue is the root of the problem. I know when I'm tired, I get dramatic!
I ditto the others - you are not a failure. This is a trying age!
I'm not familiar with the sleep issues, but is it going to sleep or staying asleep that's the probem? I'm not opposed to using melatonin on occasion for helping the kids get to sleep; is that an option for you guys?
My three sons!
Do I ever feel like a failure as a parent? Just about every other minute!
Just remember - they are born with their own personalities. You can tell them what appropriate behavior is but they aren't going to be perfect. They aren't going to listen to you and they are going to assert their independence. You will lose your patience and say things you regret. It is all normal.
Just wait for the dramatics when she gets to high school and friend A isn't talking to friend B so she has to hang out with friend C because she doesn't want to make A and B mad. And then A started dating D....etc..etc...
You are a good mom. You will both be fine.
I used to have to take my own time outs. I would leave her with my dad or my mom and then go for a walk.
My Bio
I was just reading about melatonin for kids. It never crossed my mind. She was having trouble falling asleep AND staying asleep. We moved her from a toddler bed to a full size bed last week and that (so far) has seemed to fix the staying asleep problem. She is still having troubling going to sleep. I starting teaching her some breathing/relaxation techniques last night and it actually seemed to help. If that doesn't end up working, my next stop is the pedi and asking about melatonin.