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Am I being too sensitive?
A bit of background, which most of you all know, but just in case:
I was pregnant in the summer/fall and was 15.5 weeks along when we terminated pregnancy due to a medical abnormality. This is something DH and I knew was possible and there's a 50/50 chance of it, so we took the gamble once, but we're not sure if we'll try again at all. I would love a child, but that just may not be in the cards for us.
Anyway... I have a close friend whose son is about 2 years old. And while I know that parents are often obsessive about their children and will talk about them a lot, I feel like she does it way more than necessary. I was kind of annoyed by it before I was even pregnant, but now there are so many things that she says that really get to me. (She knows about the situation and what happened.)
For example, I was texting with her about Christmas stuff and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, she sent me a text talking about how exciting her life is because her son is changing and growing up so much.
I posted on Facebook about having to miss the book signing of someone I love because I have to work a 12 hour day. Her response was... "Yikes! A 12 hour day! I guess I work that too if you consider mothering and then going into my job where I make money.
She's also said the condescending "when you're a parent, you'll know..." (this was before she knew I was pregnant).
It's one of those things where anything and everything leads to mentioning she's am other or she has a son.
I am in no way mad/upset if she wants to talk about her son - I love hearing about how he's changing, seeing photos, hearing any cute story. But I feel like some things are going a bit over the top. The text about how exciting her life was really bugged me because we weren't talking about her son at all so it came out of left field and it really hurt because I may never have that kind of "exciting life change".
Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but I do have other friends with kids and I don't feel this way about them. Am I being too emotional about this?
For the record, this friend is also a counsellor, so I feel like she, if anyone, would be super sensitive to my situation...
Re: Am I being too sensitive?
Sorry you have to go through all that - I have a friend like that too although I never had a strong desire to have kids, so maybe it rolls off my shoulders a bit more. I don't think you are being too sensitive though. You'd think counselors should be more understanding, but sometimes they are the worst! I don't know what you could really say to her since maybe some of it is unconsciously doing that. Maybe you'll have to remind her how painful the past was for you or something.
BTW, just because you may not be able to physically have kids doesn't mean you can't be a mother one day.
Hope things work out with your friend.
Since you said she's a close friend, maybe the next time you're with her and she says something like that just say something like "I don't mean to take away your joy of being a mother, but you remember my situation last year? It feels like you're pouring salt into the wound of my not being a mother right now" or something like that and just ask her to be a bit more filtered when it comes to talking about that stuff with you.
I haven't been in your situation so I can't begin to imagine how hard hearing things like that would be. If she's that close a friend, I don't think she means to cause you pain, she may honestly just not realize so I would say something before you can't stand to be around her.
I totally agree with PP. I think if you just make a comment that you're still dealing with the emotions of everything you went through last year, and even though you love hearing about her son, maybe she should wait for you to bring it up instead.
I'm really sorry you're going through that. I can't imagine it's easy - but it sounds like you're still being really open to hearing about your friend's baby, so I don't think you're being overly sensitive about it. And even if you are - if she's your friend, she should care about how it affects you!
I agree. Sometimes things like that can go over the top and really hurt. I can't believe she can't pick up on that! I mean, I don't think she shouldn't be tip-toeing around you, but she does need to back off a bit. Find a middle ground.
I don't think you are being too sensitive, that would be hard. Do you think you feel comfortable saying something to her?
TTC since March 2012
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TTC since June 2012
I definitely don't think you're being too sensitive, either.
In my opinion, even if you didn't have to deal with what you have, comments like "when you're a mother someday" and the like are condescending no matter what. Let's say you didn't want to have kids and she said that to you -- it's rude, condescending and annoying. One of my biggest pet peeves in life are moms and parents who act like they contribute so much more to society because they have a child. Saying things like "Oh, I don't have time for xyz, I have a child." Or, "I go to work all day but when I get home I have even more work because I have a kid, not that you'd understand." It is just annoying. Sorry, rant.
Maybe your friend doesn't know she's being kind of annoying here. However, as a counselor, you'd think she could be a little more self-aware.
I agree withe PPs who said she probably just doesn't realize. You say she is a close friend, so she obviously feels the same about you. I know I've said similar types of remarks to my best friends just because every now and then I get an oh wow moment of "this is how my life turned out and I never would have imagined", so I kind of get where that might come from. It's exciting for her and wants to share with you as a friend, but she obviously doesn't see why that might not be a grand idea. I think you just bring it up honestly with her, I don't see any reason that she wouldn't understand.
Sorry you have to deal with that and sounds like you've got a good head about it, so just have a girls night or a phone chat and let her know. If shes' offended, then she sucks.