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Help trying to get SO to understand kids.......
Ok I'm not looking for trash talk cuz I know some people on here can sometimes be very... opinionated. Not looking for "what you should have done" because whats done is done. Just looking for any advice on how to fix and move forward.
I am a divorced single mother of 3 (ages 7, 5 and just turned 3). My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I waited for a while (almost a year) before bringing him into their lives full time to avoid them getting attached to someone before knowing if it was going to be something long term. Now they see and interact with him on a regular basis. They like him and he's ok with them (really attached himself to my youngest boy). However he's driving me crazy because he just doesnt understand kids and gets really annoyed by them. I've tried explaining to him that kids are kids and sometimes they are annoying but all kids have their moments, and no, if my 5 yr old is in the car singing " lalalalalalalalalala" over and over again I'm not going to scream at him to stop. I'm going to tell him we are in the car and to use his inside voice. If he continues to be loud then I'll suggest something he else can do thats just as "fun" but a little quieter. I mean even the other day the almost 3 yr old fell asleep in the car and at some point started crying (for a total of 20 seconds) because his arm was stuck under the strap in the car seat. instead of fixing his arm and saying its ok or something to that effect he looks at me and makes a face and says "uugghh, i really tired of that!" He's not a bad guy and doesnt hate kids, but he's definatly not used to being around them alot and basically i'm starting to get the definate impression he expects kids to be perfect, quiet and still 24/7. Its really taking a toll on our relationship because its irritating me to constantly have him complaining about something they are doing even tho I know 90% of the time its perfectly normal kid stuff. How can I get him to be more uderstanding of them and relax when it comes to this stuff? Or is it just doomed for failure??
Re: Help trying to get SO to understand kids.......
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I would be concerned.
Any parent gets frazzled by their kids. That's normal. But the consistent behavior choices he makes in response to it are concerning. Also, he said his grandma belted him until he finished his food? Seriously.
Clearly, he does not understand normal kid behaviors and what reasonable behavioral expectations are for their respective age groups.
And, that he admits physical abuse in his past over minor things is a future possibile reality.
How do you know he'd never belt your kids while you're gone?
Thats what I told him. If she's eaten some and atleast had her veggies i'm ok with it if she's full. But I dont know if its just because of how he was raised or what but he doesnt see alot of "normal" things as acceptable. I was raised as the oldest of 4 kids and things were never calm and quiet around our house so i know that as long as they are happy, healthy and respectful I'm doing ok. I guess becasue he was an only child until he was like 11 and was pretty much raised by his grandma and grnadpa he doesnt see it that way...
I would be concerned if I were you and proceed with extreme caution. If you really feel like he's "the one," I would insist that he go to parenting classes with you and come to a consensus about what the house rules are, what appropriate behavior is, and especially what appropriate discipline is. If you can't come to an agreement about all 3, he shouldn't get to be around your kids anymore.
I'm betting he doesn't have kids of his own?
I had both a stepmother and stepfather who tried to parent my brother and I before they were actual parents - it didn't work. Some people can do it, but most can not. When you're not around a child from infancy, you just dont understand. Add to that the fact that your parenting styles are obviously different and quite frankly, I don't see it working out. It will always be him vs. the kids with you playing referee.
My stepmother has been married to my father since I was 4, and though she tried her best, she was not a good parent to my brother and I. My mother ended up divorcing my stepfather after 6 years of marriage because of his inability to parent.
Perhaps parenting classes might help, or some sort of continual bonding excercizes. Rather than get frustrated with your kids, he should be asking questions to try to understand your parenting choices. Also, while he's "really bonded with" the youngest one, he should DEFINITELY be making efforts with the older two. He may like one more, but he shoudl show the same love and respect to all.
Also, just as a disclaimer, having a child with this man will not make him a better parent to the oldest three. If he BECOMES a better parent, then maybe marraige and expansion can be contemplated, but doing so right now will only cause much more drama.
Best of luck to you.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
I'd say you pretty much hit the nail on the head right here. You were both raised differently and because of that what he believes to be normal parenting and what you believe to be normal parenting aren't the same thing. Not to say either method is wrong, but in terms of parenting, the two of you have completely opposite expectations.
To me you did everything pretty much right. You waited a year, he met your kids & now you see it isn't going to work. Glad you are ending this, your right, the kids do come first.
I am glad you can see that this isn't working. Not all people are ready or fit to have an instant family. You've been together long enough for him to have adjusted to kids. I also feel like in a situation like yours it is not his place to parent your children or interfere with your parenting/rules. Nothing you have listed hints to out of control children. If you decide to work it out or enter another serious relationship I would suggest family consoling. It is a good idea for both parties to communicate expectations and roles. If your SO is only to back you up then you can't expect a full fledged co-parent, b/c that would require agreeing on the rules and expected behaviors. It is a difficult balance that takes communication and understanding and it sounds like that is not happening in this relationship.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
Do you take something along with you that the kids can keep busy with when they are in the car? Some type of game, picture book and for the 7 year old, a book that's on his level?:)
Give this time. Maybe a bit longer than a year --- and if he still isn't "used" to the kids at that point, fing yourself a guy who likes kids -- preferably a guy who has a few himself.:)
It's essential to find a guy who likes kids and who is used to kids already.
*Is there a Parents Without Partners group in your area? Maybe if it doesn't work otu with this guy, you could try a PWP chapter -- they also have many activities for the parents and kids to do together as families, along with other PWP group members and their kiddoes, also -- things like picnics and Family Nights.
It sounds to me like you've made your decision, and you are choosing your children over this man. If you hadn't come on and said that, I would have recommended that.
Being a "step parent" or SO of a parent is very difficult. It takes a special person to fit in, and everyone is not cut out for parenting. I think that common thoughts about HOW to parent are very important.
In my case, my ex (my daughter's dad) adored her, and we lived together for 5 years after she was born. However, he was VERY negative, mean spirited and critical to my son, (who was 7 years older than my daughter) who was not his. After going to counseling for 3 years, I had to ask him to leave ( I owned the house we lived in). Now, serendipity/fate being what it is, he ended up marrying a woman who is not nice to our daughter, and he is on the other side of the equation. However, our daughter is now 18, and can decide where to spend her time.
Fast forward, my husband had 3 kids before I met him. He's sweet, honorable and very kind. However, we still don't parent in the same way. He's less strict, more of an enabler when it comes to his kids, and can't for the life of himself use "tough love" with kids that are adults. I pick the times I speak about his kids carefully, and know he's going to go off and be the kind of Dad he wants to be anyway, regardless of my opinion. But, they don't live with us, and he and my daughter get along fine.
You may have to "try on" several relationships before finding the right guy. However, I have lived by Jackie Kennedy Onassis' beliefs: "If I do nothing else right, I will raise my children well". Allow that to be your guiding light, and you should be fine, even if you have to do it alone. I did it alone for many years, because getting it "right" with my kids was too important to me.
Good luck.
I agree that it seams like you've made up your mind. It stinks being single though, but much better to be single with happy kids than in an unhealthy relationship.
I would not date someone who expected small children to not be annoying. I would REALLY not date someone who was telling me how to feed my child or that I needed to yell at or hit them to discipline them, especially when they are behaving normally.
Honestly it sounds like he's just not in a place in his life where he's ready to be around children a lot. I'd move on before the 3 year old gets even more attached.
It's probably for the best to move on or dial back the relationship.
They're your children, so he doesn't really get a say in how you choose to discipline them. He's not willing to consider changing his beliefs or behavior to make this work.
It sounds like you've made up your mind, so if that's the case, disregard all of the following lol.
My opinion is from being a SM to my DH's (almost 4 now) DS. I love kids. I am a pediatric nurse in fact. However, being a step-parent is not the same as being a parent to your own children, and the biggest, most important reason why, is because it is a choice, every single day, it is a choice to treat the child as your own. And, if you don't have any of your own, it is not easy to do (not impossible, but definitely not easy). Kids are annoying, it is part of their nature, it is what they find funny, and it is a lot of times what they don't have the ability, desire, or maturity to control. As their parent, you have unconditional love, and more patience than one could imagine. As a step-parent, especially one without your own biological children, you don't, and sometimes it's hard to remind yourself that they are just children. I could see how your BF could be overwhelmed going from no kids to 3 full time. When I started spending EOWE with my DH and his son, by the end of the weekend, i was overwhelmed, more than ready for his mother to come get him, and in desperate need of some downtime.
My suggestion would be this: If you are wanting to keep this man in your (and your children's) life, and he wants to stay, ask him to dinner, no kids allowed, and tell him you want to discuss your family dynamics. Go with the intention of asking about his feelings on the matter (what overwhelms him, what does he need to be happy in the situation, etc.), and also explain how his behaviors are affecting you and your children. Then come up with a plan. Discuss rules/punishments/expectations. Talk about what is acceptable and not (be that how much they need to eat or of what, what consequences are, when it's ok for them to scream and yell and when it's not, etc.). Make sure you are on the same page, not only for both of your sakes, but for your children too, because discipline means nothing if you are not consistent with the rules. Then talk about ways you can both work to help him chill out when things get to be too much. For example, maybe when the kids are all playing in one room while you cook, he can have that time to go in another room and play video games until dinner is ready, or hit the gym and get his workout in while you are cooking. It gives him some peace and quiet away from the kids, allows him to come back with a fresh mindset, and gives the kids time to get everything out of their system. Or, maybe time before dinner gets spent outside, maybe he wouldn't mind taking them to a park while you cook. Noise is a lot less when you have space to make it in.
If he isn't willing to work with you, move on. His behavior to this point is not excusable, but it's not a total lost cause. As a pp said, without your own kids, being a good step-parent is not easy to do, you forget how you were when you were a kid, and your expectations are unrealistically high- no matter how much you know about kids, it does happen. I still have to take a deep breath sometimes and remind myself that SS is only 4. When I get overwhelmed, I tell my DH, and then I run an errand, go pick up groceries or drop off mail or get my nails done, just getting out of the house for a few minutes can totally rejuvenate my patience! If he gets downtime to himself, away from the kids and the house (work is not downtime), and can come back with a clear frame of mind, I am willing to bet that those little annoyances aren't such a big deal anymore, but it will take time and hard work from both of you! Also, as pp mentioned, keep kids busy (so they aren't just screaming lalalala as you drive), teach him how to redirect and interact with them, and a parenting class/book may not be a bad idea. Good Luck!
this is what i'm thinking...i feel the same way he does when i'm around kids for extended periods of time, but i'll be the first to say that *i don't like kids*. i just don't. that's why i don't want any, and my DH doesn't, either. i think it's a good idea to call it quits with this guy. i would hate to think about kids being co-raised by someone who didn't actually like them. that's just sad.