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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Alcoholism
I'm a regular in cognito. I'm pretty sure my husband is becoming an alcoholic and I'm not sure what to do. I've tried talking about it and he gets mad, although even he admits he should cut back.
As his new years resolution (without prompting) he said he wasn't going to drink for a month. He lasted 4 days and has drank 5-7 beers nearly every night since. Last night he went out to have a few beers with a friend at a local bar. Said he'd be home by 9. I called at 10 to make sure he was OK and he said he was leaving right then. He came home at 2.
Re: Alcoholism
I guess the thing that raises a red flag to me regarding not coming home when he said he was going to is that his friend did go home. And H proceeded to go to other local bars by himself.
If he had just been out having a good time with his friend and stayed out later than he intended--I would understand that. I've been out with friends and not wanted to leave because I was having fun.
have you talked to him about this?
I totally agree with Amber. I would look into attending an Al-Anon meeting soon.
I tried waiting up last night--but gave up and went to bed. I wrote him a note and posted it on the door for him to read when he got home. I wasn't angry or mean in the note, but I did call him out on this in particular and his drinking progressively getting heavier. As I forecasted, this morning he was angry with me for bringing it up. He tells me I'm crazy and trying to control him.
How would he feel if his wife was the one who was staying out till 2 a.m., bar hopping alone and downing a six pack a night? I was raised to live by the golden rule and it is so engrained in me to put myself in the other person's position when confronted with a problem. For DH (and most guys I've dated) this doesn't seem to come as naturally, so the next time you discuss this I'd ask him to think of it that way and see if that helps him to understand.
I'd also suggest marriage counseling since it sounds like he isn't responding well to your concerns b/c he thinks you have ulterior motives. Maybe an objective opinion would resonate more? I think checking out Al Anon for tips is good too, but in the meantime that's what I'd do.
I also think that you need to approach the subject when he is sober. The note on the door that he read while drunk probably added a bit of gas to the fire and I am not saying that as a judgement but he knows that he is wrong so he is going to try to flip the blame onto you to make himself feel better.
I agree that counseling would probably be beneficial, if he refuses I would at least go alone so that you can learn how to deal with his addiction.
Well I don't think that confronting him when he got home would have been productive anyway. But he is obviously very defensive over his behavior. The 5-7 beers a night isn't really a huge shock to me. I have known people who had this regular behavior. And aside from the calories and health related issues they were risking they lived a very normal life. They were just social drinkers - and were social a lot. Plus 5 Michalob's over the course of the night wouldn't have gotten these people drunk anyway. It is like the equivalent of me having one micro-brew, or 2 domestic beers. But like Amber said, it needs to be his decision to change if anything is going to be different.
Another suggestion for Al-Anon. I know that they help families of those who are struggling. You are in a situation impossible to understand for those who haven't been there. Al-Anon can help with that.
I also know the worry (and frustration and anger) that a late spouse can bring.
I will certainly keep you in my prayers. Please feel free to reach out via email or FB privately if there is anything I can do for you, even if it is just being a listening ear.
Hugs.
(denalist at prostream dot net)
I'm sorry that you are going through this! You mentioned trying to talk about it, I don't know how you've approached those conversations, but I think it's time to be assertive in what changes you expect to see, and what the consequences will be if you don't see those changes. Don't do it after he's been drinking, and don't let him minimize your feelings by turning the blame on you. From what you described in your post, I definitely think you need to take some type of action and stick to it before it starts causing real damage to your family, his job, etc. (if it hasn't started to already).
Like the others mentioned, a group like Al-Anon would have some resources to help you with handling the next steps. Also, some places of employment offer EAP services, that might be something to look into as well.
I understand coming home later than planned, but it is unacceptable to not let your spouse know whether that is going to be 10pm or 2am. He came home 4 hours after he told you he was leaving. Regardless of if he was out drinking or at church, that is not okay.
Again, I am sorry you are going through this.
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
This. I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with this. Take care of yourself.
He might not be ready to admit that he has a problem, so I'm going to suggest Al-Anon too. They're going to be a great resource for you - he has to want to deal with it, but you need to know what to do in the meantime. Take care.
My husband is also an alcoholic. Never admitting. He and I started counseling several years ago because of his abuse.
What I've learned from therapy is that men abuse alcohol (and drugs) because they are hiding something, stress, family issues (childhood), etc. the list goes on and on and are self-medicating not wanting to admit that they indeed have any issue with the substance and its "all normal" for them.
My advice, like the other women, is going to Al-Anon meetings for support. Also, I highly recommended seeing a therapist who specializes in alcoholism and try to talk to him about going.
Hang in there, it's very tough to have to go through something as serious as this. My ordeal is still happening. If you need someone to talk with about this, please PM me.
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