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Having a hard time being a stepmom
I'm pretty sure this will turn into a long post, but I will try to keep it as short as possible. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read it.
H and I meet in November 2010 and we moved in together in January 2011. H has two daughters from a previous marriage and they are with us every other week, Monday-Sunday. Before I met H, I lived by myself and had no major responsibility other then my dog. Moving in with H, I didn't realize what a difference it would be having two kids in the house and I had a hard time dealing with it. It's gotten better over time, but I'm still not 100% there and I am starting to worry that I won't ever be. I pushed myself into a position I wasn't really ready for. I don't regret moving in with H so quickly, I just wish I could have somehow prepared myself better.
Don't get me wrong; I truly love these two girls. I do all that I can for them and I'll never turn my back on them, but sometimes it's just too much for me to handle and I almost start missing when I was single and living alone. When they are with us, it's like another full time job and I get overwhelmed. And I hate to say it, but I look forward to the time that we don't have them, just so I can have a little peace. It's kinda like when your niece or nephew comes over and they are cute and fun for a little bit, but then after some time goes on, you are ready for them to go home. All of this makes me feel like I am a horrible person. I've spent several nights crying because I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. I've gotten so overwhelmed at times that I have to go to my room and get away for a little bit.
Having these feelings makes me believe that maybe I'm just not meant to be a mom and that I shouldn't try for any kids with H. What if I feel the same way with my own kids?
Re: Having a hard time being a stepmom
I think there is a really huge transition from Dad's gf to Step-mom! I don't think what you feel is abnormal at all. It is honest to say a simpler life is ... well ... simpler! You have been in this schedule a couple of years, but you weren't there in that day-to-day capacity from their birth to 2011 - naturally the love you have for them is missing some of the experience that accompanies raising a child from birth. I hope that makes sense. Children are demanding. I told my sister a few days ago how ready I am for a kid-free week-end! I am much older than you are
and I am tired. I'm the only one in my family that has divorce, and she said 'I NEVER get a kid-free week-end!'. I suddenly felt really selfish - but then I remembered that while she does have her kids 24/7, she also has her husband and their father to balance that time (even though, I'm sorry to say, many times all that parenting stuff tends to fall to Moms) - and she also NEVER has to deal with crazy ex's 
Even in the best of amicable relationships - that combination of blending families and accepting past spouses is stressful.
Do you make time to do things alone? Even if it is walking the dog, or going to the library. Find something (not work!) that lets you spend that time nurturing you and letting you enjoy something that isn't so demanding. It is ok to have that time when they are there, and I think it teaches them a healthy lesson about balance for themselves.
For the record, I lived three years with both my boys and almost two more with only my youngest. It was hard when H moved in, but I still loved all the one on one time my son and I had. It was challenging when his daughter was there. It is REALLY challenging now that she lives with us full-time! They are both great kids, well-behaved kids - but they are both turning 13 this spring so I promise we have some age-appropriate aggravations. I just wanted you to know I wasn't blowing smoke or thinking about ideal situations. I do understand how adapting to that role of step can be more demanding, even when it is going well. Hang in there!
I can kind of relate:
We live 500 miles away from H's kids. We get them for a week around Christmas and they come up here for a week in the summer then random weekends for birthdays etc. I'm just plain exhausted from them! I love them to death. His daughter attaches herself to me the whole time. Which is adorable, but trying at the same time. She talks about moving to MD when she gets older, and part of me wants it and the other part is scared.
We were driving back from Christmas and I told H I don't think we can have kids, it's just too much. I just wanted to sleep for days on end. He told me it's different when you start from birth and are used to it. I came into their lives at 4 and 5, they are almost 7 and 9 now. And they are just wide open the whole time. And no school! In the summer it's easier because we go to the park, zoo, beach, etc... but winter when there's nothing to do, it's trying.
When we get them, I take off work, so I can only imagine the stress of all that.
First I have to say that I am not any type of parent at all, but I did grow up with a step mom. She married my dad when if was about 5yo. She went from being single with just a cat to living with my father and 2 kids in a very short period of time. I am SURE that we stressed her out to the max. I remember seeing her crying on the porch after she yelled at my brother and I for doing something stupid. She ended up being an amazing (step) mom and I cherish every moment that she spent with me. She was like the mom I never got to know.
I know that this doesn't really give any advice, but you do seem like you are doing your best and I don't think that you are a bad step mom or anything like that. I also don't think that you would be a bad mom. I am sure that you DH would say the same thing.
I don't think you're selfish. It's completely understandable that you would feel a bit overwhelmed. I am also an October bride with step children. I have 3 ranging from 6 to 12. We get them each weekend.
I never felt like I was very good with kids so I always thought that I would have the chance to grow with my kids. Nope. I got 3 kids right off the bat. :-) My DH is wonderful and says that I'm doing well with them, but there are days when I feel like I'm doing terribly and I feel like an idiot. I love all 3 kids so much, but I need my alone time, too.
You didn't really give any indication as to what the dynamics are like in your family so forgive me if this next part isn't helpful at all. My H takes most of the responsibility of the kids mostly. I do a lot, but most of it he still does. Some of it, I know, is him wanting to soak up as much time with them as he can. However, part of it, too, is they are his kids so he wouldn't push all of that responsibility onto me. So I guess my question is, how much are you doing with the kids? Are they your responsibility all of the time? If they are, I think you should talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. If you are doing the majority of the work for his kids, he needs to step up.
For us, I think it's a bit easy for the lines to become hazy. It's important to me make sure that the kids and their mother know that I am not trying to step into her shoes at all. I am not sure I can explain this well, but as their father, your husband should be taking the lead role. You should be respected and should help, but the sole responsibility should not be yours. You're not their mother.
It's a big jump to go from single to married with 2 kids. I think about it all the time - about how blessed I am. I was so lonely before. It was just me and my dog, too. Now, it's me and my H, 3 step children, my dog, and the 2 dogs they had. We have a full house. It's a big adjustment, but when God blesses - He blesses. :-) I am sure that you are doing much better than you think you are. Just hang in there.
ETA - I forgot to mention this. You said that you were afraid of how you would feel about your own kids. When we get the kids on the weekend I love it. I also like it when they go home. That's perfectly fine. But you know what else? I'm pretty protective of the kids. I've amazed myself. When I'm driving and one of the kids is in the car with me, I drive about 5-10 mph slower, lol. I feel like having one of those stickers on the window that says "Baby on board." Like I said, I always thought that I was bad with kids, but I don't think that we are bad with kids. We just don't have the experience that others have. My stepkids have shown me that if I'm this protective with them and love them this much already, heaven help me when/if I have kids of my own. I'm thinking your probably the same way if you really think about it.
Thanks for all the kind words ladies! I guess I just feel like I should have a better handle of it all by now and not have so many moments of stress when it comes to dealing with the kids. I worry that this is something that will never go away and may be worse when and if we have another child because we will have that one full time.
Our dynamic at home is actually really good when the girls come for the week. We work really well as a team and share a lot of the responsibility. I don't mind it and I think that's only fair to help him as much as I can. I don't mind it, either. I guess my main points of stress are when they are misbehaving, arguing with each other, and the fact they are so messy. I know kids are messy in general, but I like to keep a clean house. H is also a clean person, just not as anal as me. There are so many little messes here and there with kids and it seems like I am always running around having to clean up after them. I've talked to him about it and he's gotten better, and hopefully as time goes on it will continue to improve.
As for their behavior, they have been arguing non stop it seems. One is always screaming or crying or tattling on the other. It get's exhausting getting onto them and some days it's like I'm disciplining them all day. H gets on them too, but he is much more lenient than I am and just doesn't think certain things are that big of a deal. Looking back at it, I guess they aren't but I just don't want them to think they can get away with whatever they want to do. I feel really guilty, and almost scared, when I discipline them because I don't want them to think I am this evil step mom that doesn't love them.
Now that I've read your responses, it seems to be more common to have these feelings than I thought. I guess we all have those moments where we get overwhelmed and can't really control our emotions the way we normally would.