Sex & Romance
catwine
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
o question
I was a virgin until I got married (please don't start talking about that...) and have been having sex for a few months. Everything is new to both of us and I still haven't had an orgasm. We're not super adventurous and only do a few positions (him on top, me on top and then me laying on the edge of the bed while he stands). We both really enjoy sex but part of me is frustrated i haven't o'd yet...any tips?
Re: o question
Do you masturbate and orgasm on your own? If not, do it! That's the best way to figure out what gets you there. And for the record, a large percentage of women do not orgasm from penetration alone. Many need clitoral stimulation, which plain old penis-in-vagina just doesn't provide.
And try working some oral (for you!) into your foreplay. For some women, it is a surefire method for orgasm.
I personally don't believe in masturbating, so that's out for me...oral is also out. I don;t want my H coming near my mouth after being there.
are those my only options for getting an orgasm?
I had the same issue for years till I discovered vibrators. Have your husband use one on you. Have him try to stimulate your clitoris and see if that helps. Some times as women we need a little extra help in getting to the big O. I hope this helps.
wow, I read this and think you must not really have any fun in bed. Not only that but you are going to bore him to death in a year or so. Not want oral? Ok vanilla bean. You are probably against toys too! Is Jesus the reason?
Grow up. There is a book for people with extreme religious views about sex. I think It is called between the sheet. You might want to get a copy. You need to learn to touch yourself. If you not know what gets you to O, there is no way DH can. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. It is called self exploration. Babies do it, even their private parts. There is nothing in the Bible that says you can't explore your own body.
As for oral, agin grow up.you are missing out. If you are both well showered, there should not be a problem with it. Your husband will definitely want to receive it eventually even if you don't.
Sex is new to both of you but you need to explore what you both enjoy.You re now married and can feel better about doing so. Give up on the garbage someone told you about pleasuring yourself being wrong and that oral is somehow dirty. If you don't your sex life will never amount to much.
Masturbate.
That's the reason why you cannot orgasm. You don't know your own body and you don't know what makes you feel good.
I suggest you start immediately, by yourself.
Find out what makes you feel good and show him.
He probably isn't going down on you. You don't mention it so he needs to do it and to start as per now.
Oral sex is a sure fire way to orgasm, also....hell NOES to this one:
I personally don't believe in masturbating, so that's out for me...oral is also out. I don;t want my H coming near my mouth after being there.
are those my only options for getting an orgasm?
Why don't you believe in masturbation?
Is this another religious issue? Has to be. (and please don't tell me your H doesn't do it. Impossible)
It's not a sin, this ain't the Middle Ages. You're missing out on a world of fun.
There is also no directive in the Bible that taboos masturbation. So you're off the hook right there....:)
And if you have a qualm about cleanliness and oral sex, go into the shower with him or take a bath with him.... and then let nature take its course when you both get out of the tub.
(I myself still can't believe this type of dogma and mindset exists....really a shame)
A PP is right: if you don't know what makes you orgasm, you and your H are going to have a rough road ahead. He probably knows you're not orgasming and remember...
the 3 biggies that couples will argue about is money, religion and sex.
And I will bet you also you aren't going down on him....
As I said, this is sad indeed that this type of mindset still exists and all in the name of religion.
I will bet that the reason why the *Majority* of women don't orgasm via intercourse has a lot to do with the fact they probably don't masturbate. Or they don't know what positions will also do it for them. Pity.
Pick up a Cosmopolitan magazine and read some of their tips in there. It will get you familiar with your body, and give you some things to try.
I was against masturbating also, along with him performing oral for the same reason when we started being active. It wasn't until we were active for 4 years that I finally had an O. Then realized that all of those years I was missing out. But how we figured it out was for him and I to touch different areas before and during. We always thought it happened through penetration, but not everyone is that way. So get in tune with yourself and tell your husband that you want to try some different things with him to see if they will work. Be open with him that this is something neither one of you are familiar with, and you have to try a few things to see what works and what does not. Be open about it, and have fun with it. Explore yourself with his help.
TTC since 1/13 DX:PCOS 5/13 (long, anovulatory cycles)
Clomid 50mg 9/13 = BFP! EDD 6/7/14 M/C 5w6d Found 11/4/13
1/14 PCOS / Gluten Free Diet to hopefully regulate my system.
Chemical Pregnancy 03/14
Surprise BFP 6/14, Beta #1: 126 Beta #2: 340 Stick baby, stick! EDD 2/17/15
Riley Elaine born 2/16/15
TTC 2.0 6/15
Chemical Pregnancy 9/15
Chemical Pregnancy 6/16
BFP 9/16 EDD 6/3/17
Beta #1: 145 Beta #2: 376 Beta #3: 2,225 Beta #4: 4,548
www.5yearstonever.blogspot.com
Would it make you feel any better if you and he incorporated masturbating you during foreplay? Have him do it.
There are tons of Chrstian-based sex related books out there --- I am sure you can find them on line at Amazon, if you and he are too shy to look at them in person in a bookstore.
I also suggest Owner's Manual, Woman's Body and Owner's Manual: Man's Body for your and your H, for some basic anatomy and physiology. I am also getting the idea that you (and probably him) don't know the whys and wherefores of your bodies and what makes them run. It's never too late to learn./
You sound a lot like me, minus the masturbation stance. DH and I were virgins and while we enjoyed sex I did not orgasm during sex or foreplay, but I knew I could alone. It got really frustrating for DH b/c he disliked that I wasn't getting real pleasure from sex. I felt uncomfortable communicating what felt good and I didn't want to make him feel like he wasn't doing it for me. I was under this delusion that penetration would magically equal an orgasm (yeah I am an idiot). It doesn't and without stimulation during foreplay and preferably an orgasm before penetration it isn't going to happen. Use your hand or his before, lots of touching, etc. When you feel heighten then give him the go ahead. Once you can communicate what will give you an orgasm things can and will improve drastically. You are the only one who can figure that out and you don't need toys or a vibrator.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I think some of the ladies here are being a tad harsh if this is a religious issue, but please do check out the books they suggested.
I'll add my two cents. How I orgasm from masturbation is completely different to how I orgasm with DH. I don't masturbate with DH because thats my own, efficient, relax and get sleepy routine. I also don't like oral. It just doesn't feel that great to me.
So you're probably asking yourself... if those are the only two ways to orgasm, how does she manage it? I have a very patient and caring DH who uses his fingers on me instead. That works a lot better for me than anything else. We've tried toys, I can't get on with them. I don't orgasm everytime and thats ok (a me issue, not a him issue), but these ladies are correct in telling you that somehow, between the two of you, you need to take some time to figure out what works for you.
In addition to the other tips, I do want to point out that an orgasm for a woman is more mental than physical. Your husband gets turned on and can climax from looking and touching you, but you aren't built like that. You need to keep your head in the game. You won't just magically orgasm one day from his touch.
I definitely agree that you need to figure out what turns you on. If you won't masturbate, then you'll have to explore with your husband and be completely (100%) comfortable with your body and your feelings. That's hard and intimidating, which is why masturbation is easier.
Good luck. Once you figure yourself out, it will be worth it!
Despite wishful thinking orgasms do not just magically happen for women...nor does it mean that they are missing something or doing something wrong when they do not happen.
Some of these answers are a little harsh....but the truth is that if YOU don't know your own body....then how can you expect him to 'know' Keeping yourselves pure until marriage does not automatically qualify you for some Godly intervention to amazing sex.
Sex is a learned art....and it takes time to figure out.
I am not sure what your religious beliefs are or why you do not believe in certain sexual contact (with yourself or your spouse) but know this....sex is a world to be explored and learned together. Anything you guys do in the privacy of your bedroom is ok....do you understand what I am saying? God wants you guys to have mind-blowing sex. There are all kinds of ways to 'have sex' and all things are good between a consenting married couple.
If you are not comfortable masterbating on your own....make it a sexual event with your partner. BELIEVE ME! He will go nuts with desire if he sees you touching yourself. Men dig that stuff!!!! Also....it isn't uncommon to not want to be kissing him after he goes down on you (oral sex) A lot of men feel that way...they don't want to kiss their wife after she has had...ya know....in her mouth. Just do all the kissing BEFORE he goes down on you....after some cuddling--have him go brush his teeth before falling asleep.
Make a pregnancy ticker
I read a Christian sex manual titled Sheet Music. As far as I recall, it did allow for masturbation and oral. But the main thing I remember is the male author's outdated slang, including referring to his wife's breasts as headlights and his penis as Mr. Happy, lol.
I can understand being grossed out by the idea of oral (even though I no longer feel that way), but why no masturbation? Touching yourself really is the best way to know what you like. What if you and your H touched yourselves at the same time, watching each other? That way it's no longer a solo activity.
Incidentally, H and I also waited until marriage for sex. We do engage in solo masturbation as well as oral, usually for me more often than for him. I don't get why you want to have an orgasm if you think touching yourself is wrong. Seems like an O would be 'bad' too, in that case.
The masturbation/oral suggestions are really good tips. If you're really uncomfortable with those two, you won't reach orgasm anyway, so don't worry about those two for now.
You mentioned that you enjoy sex, so that's a really good sign. I have to say, though, that you'lll have to go for a LITTLE adventure, because doing the same things and hoping for a different result is just not going to work.
Does your husband know that you haven't had one? Does he want to help you get there? If yes to both, then here are some tips:
Talk about it outside of the bedroom (not in the heat of the moment).
Take lots of time for foreplay.
Agree to be vocal. Tell him what you like as he's doing it, and be willing to give directions if you want something different.
Try warming or tingling lube.
Fingers can get you there. Try making out while he does it.
Have him (or you) play with your clit while he's inside you.
Don't plan to figure it out in one day. Know that it could take awhile to figure out the combination of what will get there.
These are excellent suggestions. And yeah, not even Rome was built int he proverbial day --- work on this together.
And above all, don't lie and fake it. It's not honest and you know he'll be rightfully pissed off if you later on admit you're faking it.
Lots of foreplay is the way to go. Set up something fun and relaxing like a bath for 2 and add some music, some candlelight and some munchies you can eat in the tub.
Don't be afraid to examine "what's under the hood." Ever see the movie Fried Green Tomatoes? There's a scene in that movie that shows a roomful of ladies being instructed to do exactly that:) I guarantee you you'll be fascinated by what you see.:) Why shouldn't you be? it's your body. Be proud of it.:)
Just a PS that hasn't got anything to do with this thread -- your dress and the dresses the ladies are wearing are pretty --- were all of those dresses done from the same pattern? Looks like they are.
Wow, I am in the same boat! Like, exactly. We got married on Nov 3 and were both virgins without a clue. We have been experimenting but still no orgasms for me! Like, not even close. I'm also a uncomfortable with the idea of masturbating, and oral just hasn't felt particularly good for me... I started wondering if it would ever happen for me... I suppose practice will make perfect in the end. Just know you're not alone. In fact, you're in good company. The more research I do, the more I'm seeing that having difficulty climaxing is extremely common in women and that many of us require more stimulation than normal penetrative sex can offer.
I will say this on the whole sex and religion thing: I believe that God created sex to bring a husband and wife together, to be an earthly experience of something divine, and to make two into one. He created sex. It was His idea, His gift. As married women we need to claim that blessing. It is a good thing to explore your sexuality with your husband and to find out what brings you two closer. Whatever that may be. Do only what makes you feel comfortable but know that there is nothing wrong with pursuing the fullness of what God designed for you and your husband to share. Talk with your hubby, make sure you two are on the same page, then go explore a bookstore or the internet, talk to a counselor or a doctor or a friend for advice, and go experiment together - try anything - knowing that you have the freedom to drink deeply to your fill...
Good luck!
Pretty rude and condescending there, ROFL. Don't you think it's a little out of place to tell someone who *just* started having sex that they "must not really have any fun in bed." And to forebodingly predict that she will bore him to death in a year? Seriously, there's such a thing as respecting people's sexual preferences (not to mention their possible religious affiliation), and actually giving them something constructive to work with.
christinavy: Our situation was almost identical to yours, and we have a great sex life. We were virgins too, and when we got married, even though we knew what to do, it wasn't until we'd been having sex for about three months that I had an orgasm. Two years later, the only way I can is with me on top, but we change things up prior that, so we aren't bored in this camp.
We also are not into oral. That doesn't mean we ignore each other's genitals by any stretch of the imagination, and it isn't to say that we might not try it someday, but for the time being, we are not interested.
If you and your husband have made your decisions based on religious standards, (as we did, regarding virginity) there are quite a few Christian websites that have a lot of helpful material, as well as several books that are worth a read. Some of these do recommend oral, but you can just take what you want and leave what you don't. I'll post links when I remember the names.