Family Matters
kolache3
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL passed away
My MIL passed away yesterday and I have been struggling with not knowing my place in the family. I am only 22 and have been married for 4 months and i can't seem to find any advice on this. My own mother has not lost her in-laws. My husband is gone right now and is with his sister and dad and I understand that they want to be together alone and that she wasn't my mom I just feel on the outside of the situation a lot and I don't know what I should be doing.
Re: MIL passed away
My MIL passed away unexpectedly in October 2012, it was hard because there wasn't anything I could really say to husband to comfort. We paid for the funeral expenses from our savings, husband is still sad sometimes, he will cry randomly because he misses her or grabs the phone to call her and remembers..he told me there's nothing I can say to fill the void. I haven't lost my parents so I can't understand but I can hug him and hope the pain subsides. I am careful not to mention his mom because I want to make sure I don't trigger a memory and he get sad or cry because of my comment. I am sure with time, it will get easier to mention her, etc. You really shouldn't be doing anything, if he wants to talk, listen, if he wants to cry, hug him.
This!
One thing to keep in mind is, men share their feelings differently than women. If he's the type to bottle his feelings, then don't push him to talk. Let him grieve at his own pace.
My best advice would be to make sure that you don't try to put words in his mouth, or ask too many questions. It might feel like you are being pushy. Just give him lots of hugs and let him know you are ready to help if asked.
If it seems like someone wants to talk just hold their hands and give them a hug. The words will automatically come in most cases. If you feel like you should say something just say, "I'm so sorry for you loss, is there anything I can do?" Ask if you can help with the funeral preparations, if they needs someone to pick out flowers, drive someone to the wake, pick up paperwork, send out thank you notes, or meet with someone about the obituary. Just find things to keep you busy.
Never say that you know how someone feels. Never tell a story about somebody else who died that you knew. People get upset about stuff like that. Just listen and let them talk as much as they want. You can say, "I know you'll miss her, she was a special person and anytime you want to talk I will be there." Or whatever you feel comfortable saying. Just don't offer your time if you don't think you will be able to help. A LOT of people offered to help me and my mom out with things around the house, paperwork, etc, and hardly anybody actually helped us with anything if we ever asked.
Make food. Make lots and lots and lots of food. And make sure beds are made, bathrooms are clean, and living room and parlor areas are tidy. People who are grieving often get unexpected visitors and also they get depressed and forget to clean up and cook for themselves. When in doubt, get the broom out. Seriously. Later on they will remember how helpful and kind you were.