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sisters-in-law want WHAT?!?!?!
My sister-in-law is lesbian and recently got engaged to her girlfriend! I think this is great news, except for the recent developments with DH. The two women just approached DH via skype (we currently live out-of-town) asking him to donate sperm to my sister-in-law-to-be so that they could start a family. I'm all for sperm-donation in general (when it's anonymous), but I'm REALLY peeved about this.
My qualms are:
1. They approached DH alone, giving me no regard in this decision
2. They know that we plan on starting a family soon ourselves
3. DH has an older brother, who does not plan on having children of his own (which in my mind makes him a more viable option)
4. This is their plan A, and they aren't seriously considering other means as an alternative (anonymous sperm donation, adoption, etc) due to the COST
Am I wrong to be weirded out and angered by this?? How should I address the situation, if at all? I really do understand where they're coming from, but I just don't think this option, nor the way they approached it, is appropriate. Opinions?
P.S. please be respectful in your comments. I do not want to see comments of hatred towards the LBGTQ community here.
Re: sisters-in-law want WHAT?!?!?!
I understand your feelings on this. What does your H think about doing this? I also agree, if your H's older brother doesn't plan on having children, somehow that seems easier/cleaner, unless of course he doesn't want to help father ANY children.
I also absolutely think that this is a decision that needs to be made together, you and your H as a couple. Therefore I DO think that it was insensitive of them to approach him alone as though your opinion did not matter. Unless they told him they just wanted to tell him first but that of course you were a big part of it? What was said exactly?
If you are definitely against it, I think that should be enough for them to move on to the other brother or another donor.
If I were in your shoes, I'd be upset too. It's a decision that you and DH should be making together. My take on your concerns:
1. Agree- they should have approached you and DH together. Let DH know that you feel you need to discuss this and come to a decision together.
2. Meh- unless you're undergoing IVF or have some fertility issues, I'm sure DH has plenty of extra sperm, and you it's not fair to say you get to be the only ones trying for a family during a certain time period.
3. I think this irrelevant- they may have asked him and he declined, they may not feel comfortable, etc. Whether or not you and DH decide he should donate, it's not your position to suggest other donors. I would drop this.
4. If their primary reason for wanting DH to donate vs. another method was for his sister to have a genetic link to the baby, I could very much understand it. If it is about cost, I think someone needs to discuss all of the many costs that are going to be involved with artificial insemination, doctors bills, baby gear and nursery supplies, child care, etc. with them and find out what their plan is. I would think a few vials of sperm would be a drop in the bucket...no pun intended.
Another thing to keep in mind, is that you really should have a lawyer involved. There have been cases where the government goes after the sperm donor for child support when the parents split up- google this- it could be a very big problem.
Sooooo, I think you and DH should do some research, decide together if this is something you both want to do (I think if one person votes no, it should be a no decision), and then meet with SILs together and let them know what that decision is and that you are united as a family in your decision. I would try to remain as positive with them about their efforts to start a family as you can, and you can offer your support in other ways, even if you decide that DH won't be the donor.
DH told them, "Um.. I'm kind of planning on using my sperm for myself... with my wife," when they asked. I have to say I'm very happy he did, because that hopefully got the point across in a tactful-yet-jovial way that it wasn't OK for me not to be included. He is with me in not finding this solution immediately acceptable.
We have sort of agreed that if they come to us years from now when our sister-in-laws are 35 and have investigated all other options thoroughly, have tried multiple methods, and still have found no success in starting a family, that we would reconsider.
BUT...
DH and I have considered adoption (we want three children, and we are hoping to have two biologically, and one adopted) for ourselves, and one thing that DH brought up in passing was, "What if we and my sisters adopted siblings and raised them in separate households? That would keep two biologically related siblings from being separated for their whole lives, and then at least they would both have some biological connection to 'the family'" I'm not entirely sure if he was 100% serious about that idea, but I'm not sure if that might be a better option. I think that he wants to help his sisters out so badly, yet doesn't think the sperm-donation thing is acceptable, so he wants to come up with a solution that everyone will like.
Everything about this newly-created life situation is just so weird. Thoughts?
Clearly your DH is not comfortable with the idea and neither are you, so their really isn't a need to go beyond this point. Donating sperm is a little different then say a kidney to save someone's life. You would be helping to create life, could your DH really handle only being an uncle and not intervene in parenting if he disagrees with their style? It doesn't sound like either of you could. I think donating genetic material within a family takes a special kind of person. It is okay not to be that person.
I also think it is probably a good idea not to donate before having your own children simply because of the emotional aspect. There are so many unknown factors. It is not his job to figure this out for his sister. Nor is it something either brother has to do or feel comfortable doing. Just b/c his older brother doesn't have kids does not mean he wants to donate sperm to his sister, that doesn't make him selfish, it is his decision and they have to respect it.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
First off, I'm glad your DH said no if this was something you weren't feeling comfortable with. As far as adoption goes, it's a very long, involved, and often expensive process to become an adoptive parent. Each of your families would need to get approved individually and then it would be a matter of finding children that fit in with your biological children, and who were willing to be separated to divide up between your households. It's a very unusual situation and I think it would take a long time, if ever, for you to find a way to make a match like that work.
It's great that you and DH want to help SILs. I think the two of you should get some books and do some research about sperm donation, adoption, fostering, and other methods of growing a family so that you really understand all the logistical, legal, and financial implications involved, and then decide together what type of help you can offer SILs. At that point, you should meet with SILs together and express your desire to help them and let them know what types of help you're prepared to offer, and see what they are interested in taking you up on.
I completely understand just wanting to help and throwing ideas around, but DH should be very careful about voicing these ideas to SILs until he understands the full ramifications of those decisions. It would be terrible if he offered something, SILs accepted, and then you realized your family wouldn't be able to fulfill the promise.
I don't mean to be a debby downer, but these are complicated issues, and just want to make sure you're thinking about all the different aspects. Maybe lurk on the adoption and third party boards on The Bump to get some information and other perspectives.
#1- I wouldn't get too upset about it. They can ask your H anything they want to, regardless of if you're around to hear the question or not. The only person to be angry at here would be H if he made a decision without you.
#2- do you think your H will run out of sperm? are you going to need it ALL? You think they should wait until you have your day in the sun being pregnant first?
#3- There are literally millions of men they COULD ask, but they picked your H for whatever personal reasons. Again, as long as your H knows he needs to let you in on the decision, why would you care who they have or have not asked?
#4- I can't really fault them for this at all. If I could save $$$$$ by asking a friend, it'd be worth it to me to at least ask.
Technically half his genepool is hers and I think that's where the ethics part comes in.
Adoption is very cost prohibitive to many couples. I can see her point in that.
Your H and you need to discuss this issue thoroughly and if you are not comfortable with the idea, it is a no for him to donate sperm. Period.
No. No. No.
Yes you should have been in on this conversation. I'm so very confused on how exactly they are thinking the... Um, transfer would cost. Even as your H as the donor in a medical setting its going to cost money. I'm not sure but I'm pretty sure that it would be around the same cost as using banked sperm. Did they say who their doctor is? If not, this does not sound like they have thought this through. It's expensive any way you look at it, they will have the medical cost for the sperm transfer and the lawyer fees for your H to sign away rights. If they are only coming to him because of the cost angle I'd be even more pissed as it is going to cost more this way just because of the lawyer issue.
1. I would consider this a problem if they asked him for an immediate decision or asked him not to talk to you about it - both of which I highly doubt. Really, your SIL is probably just more comfortable broaching the subject discreetly with her brother. Maybe they were worried about the right way to approach you about it and thought your DH would have a better idea of how you'd handle it?
2. Obviously this isn't an issue if you guys are against the donation in the first place. If you do change your minds and decide that you'll think about doing it, I actually think this could potentially be a huge issue. Theoretically, if he donates sperm to his sister and her wife, then you and your DH have trouble conceiving on your own and, would you feel like they sort of got to have your child? So you would probably want to know what your fertility status as a couple is first.
3. ditto PPs on this one - either you're in or out, but they chose to ask you and it's not really your place to redirect them to BIL
4. is it possible that it's not entirely about the cost? Did they maybe just mention that and you or DH took it to be their primary reason? I expect that being genetically related to the child is at least a major plus for your SIL, and possibly a factor in their choice to ask you. If it really is just about cost, I doubt it will actually be that much cheaper, so I'm not sure what they're going for there...
Anyway, it sounds like neither of you is going to be comfortable with this. I say talk about it a few times over the coming months, see what it would mean for you and/or what else you can offer them as support, and then talk with them about what you two come up with. GL!
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussHonestly I can't see getting annoyed about anything aside from the fact that they didn't include you when they asked. And even that may just be a matter of them being more comfortable with your DH and assuming he'd talk to you about it before giving them an answer.
It's not like if he gives them sperm, he runs out for you. It's not like women only having a finite amount of eggs. And it's not up to you to decide who they should be comfortable enough with to ask for such a large favor. And fertility issues are expensive. If I were in their shoes, I'd most likely ask a friend or relative before jumping right to buying sperm. Plus then SIL would have at least some genetic tie to her child.
Hold on a minute. I just reread. Your SIL wants your DH to donate sperm to HER? As in to mix with her egg? Would a doctor even do that? That would weird me the hell out. If it was to donate to her partner, then okay.
But really all of this is irrelevant since your DH said no.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is all kinds of wrong. As a couple, your individual reproductive capacities are something of a shared asset. It's why neither of you should trick the other into pregnancy or have a tubal ligation/vasectomy without the consent of the other.
If this is about semen quality/quanity, it's a lame argument.
The same rubric would apply if he is married. If not, his suitability is none of your business.
If they can't handle the costs of donor IUI, they aren't in a financial situation where they should be having a child.
You feel what you feel. Your husband must consider your concerns over those of his sister and her wife. If having your husband's son or daughter/your potential child's half sib roaming around would make you uncomfortable, make sure he understands this. On the other hand, you could ask them to agree upfront to organ donation should your child ever need marrow or a kidney.
his is so incredibly out of line. I'm not sure if you're implying that the child conceived with her husband's sperm should be forced to be a donor, or that the SIL should automatically offer to be a donor if their child needs it, but either one is horrifically unethical and illegal. Organ donations are meant to be altruistic with no motivation other than helping a person in need. It is not a favor to be returned or something to be exchanged. You also cannot force or coerce a donor in any manner. It would be completely illegal to get any kind of agreement, and no doctor or judge would ever uphold that. As a matter of fact, there are very lengthy approval and donor review processes in place for all donations to help protect the donors and make sure that things like that don't happen.
OP- if you and your husband decide to donate (sperm, organs, money, whatever), do it because you can and because you want to. Do not do it with any other motivation or hopes that they will return the favor.
This is quite possible the worst advice I have ever seen on this site.
ha I read it that way too and was like ummm ew. But I'm pretty sure she means the SIL's wife.
OP I totally get your opinion. I would look at that kid and think, that's my husband's. And your opinion counts here. But I'm going to give SIL the benefit of the doubt that she wasn't trying to exclude you from all decisions here and just mentioned it to your DH first because it was slightly less awkward, and then could bring you in. The good news though is that you and your DH are on the same page.
Oh dear God, pumpkin, it was a joke.
Good grief.
Now I've read everything.
First, congratulations to your SIL and her partner!
Second: I would find the whole thing weird too.
1. I would be hurt and potentially think they were trying to get around me as well, but after a while I would like to think I'd realize that (as PP have said), your SIL may have felt more comfortable bringing the subject up with your DH first. After all, if he's completely against it they don't want to have caused a shouting match with you as well (exaggerating!). I know it's hard, but just let it go. They probably didn't mean to disrespect you, your SIL just wanted to test the waters with the person she's known her whole life.
2. You know he's not going to run out of sperm. I think it's more that... well, he's your husband. So that's YOUR sperm. Yeah, ok, he's in possession of it, but what's his is yours and what's yours stays yours.
Other PP have mentioned some good things too (what if they get pregnant first, legal issues, half-sibling issues, etc). (Obviously I'm kidding... sort of.)
3. As many have said, whom your SILs ask is not up to you. BIL's decision whether or not to have children is not your business either. Just don't go there.
4. Citing cost is a ridiculous excuse. I understand that your SIL's wife-to-be would be the one getting pregnant. Unless they plan on doing it the old-fashioned way (yikes!) then the costs are going to be pretty much the same regardless of who the donor is. Again, as other have said, using your DH as the donor may actually end up costing more because of legal fees. I do understand the plan they have (and you said you see their point), that your SIL be genetically linked to the child just as her wife-to-be will be, but unless you and DH agree then it will likely remain a dream.
I think the main thing, once you've made your decision, is to have your SIL and her wife-to-be over for a nice visit and gently explain to them why you don't agree with their plan. So long as they understand the (legitimate) concerns you have and you're respectful in your delivery of the information then there shouldn't be too many hard feelings. Good luck!
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