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Big Decisions - not sure what to do
Hi all, I've never posted on The Nest before, but I figured this was more appropriate to post here than The Knot, no matter how much I enjoy hanging out there.
So, a little background - my H and I have been married just shy of 4 months, and the entire time he's been looking for a new job because his first job in the field he wanted to be in turned out to be the biggest lemon in the universe (I won't bore you with details, but other friends in his line of work look at him like he's crazy when he mentions his salary range and the conditions he works in. Every last person he's talked to told him to leave asap).
Because the job market is so bad, it took him almost a year just to get this lemon job, which put a lot of financial strain on me since I supported him once he graduated and didn't have grants to live on. That's why he's stayed where he is for so long.
BUT, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and he just got a job offer last night. A GOOD one. The only problem is that it is in a small town that is an hour and a half drive from where we currently live. Oy.
Now, because I supported him, I have no savings left, and because of the market crash, my house is upside down. I'm stuck with the dumb thing for at least 3 to 5 more years. I can't reliably rent it out either without a gap in rent financially suckerpunching us.
So, the only thing we can think of is that he'd rent a place up in the small town, and we'd spend the first two years of our marriage apart 
. I'd keep my job here and stay in the home here to keep working on paying it down, and he'd try to visit once a week at least.
What do you guys think? Should we suck it up and just do it? Once he's done a two year stint up north, he'd be in prime position to get a super nice job back here again.
Re: Big Decisions - not sure what to do
Yeah, my first instinct is to really fight to stay together, but the drive between the two cities is not safe in the winter time. They get heavy snows up there, and my H doesn't have 4 wheel drive. The small town is up in the mountains. I'd rather live apart from him for a while than have him risk his life unecessarily.
Ugh, nothing about this is easy.
H and I didn't live together before OR after we got married. We each moved a couple times, so we lived anywhere from 2-4 hours apart for the first 2.5 years we were married.
It's not ideal, but it's completely do-able.
I wouldn't do it as an open-ended situation. But if there was an end point, I would probably do it again.
First, some things you didn't really address in your post. Would there be anything for you to do in the other town? Could you get a job there? Would you want to live there?
If yes, then make a plan with your H that includes a time frame. Give it 2 years, or whatever time frame you pick. Who knows where you'll be with your house, your job, or his job in 2 years. Save $ for those years. Might be worth it to throw some money at your house so you can sell and be together. Or you'll have some money as a cushion to cover gaps in renting out your house.
Also, you never know what kind of housing situation he'll run into in the other town. I've had some lucky finds and a friend of a friend was willing to let me rent their guest room on weeknights when the winter weather was sketchy.
Only you and H can decide if it's a good idea... but it's not the worst situation to have for a while.
i would suggest living apart, and having him come home on weekends if he's ok with that (and weather permitting).
Do you have an option that would let you rent out your current home? If so, you BOTH can rent something in the other town, and gain revenue from your home for a few months at a time...perhaps a family member or close friend that you would trust?
renting something elsewhere clearly would set you back financially, though I assume it would be cheaper than a hotel? check that option too. some hotels give significant discounts for 'extended stay' guests.
Edit: just read that you CANT rent it. bummer. that wouldve been my first choice.
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I commute an hour and a half minimum to work. I live in PA and my job is 93 miles away in NJ. I love my job, but I absolutely love where we live. I bite the bullet every day when I hit the road. But that's what you do.
FI works swing shift, so he's on days one week and nights the next. It's not ideal, we don't see each other a whole lot. But when we do we make it count.
For us financially it's cheaper to have the house of our dreams in my hometown versus us hating our house and both driving an hour to work.
I suggest sitting down and figuring out what it would cost in gas a week/month/year to commute.
Good luck!
Can you not rent your house out? Then find an apartment to rent at the half way point between both your jobs.
Other than that, you do what you've gotta do. He needs two years to get his career on track and it seems this is what it's going to take. Suck it up, two years it's forever and it may work out to less time. You just never know.
Also, have you had a realtor out to look at your house? You may want to get one out and see how much you may lose, a few grand maybe worth it to avoid this.
My dad commutes 2 hours to work...each way. Five, sometimes six days a week. He does so because his job moved him to a different location. He'd never find another job paying him what he gets paid at his age. And he doesn't want to take a major loss on his house.
So he makes do. When there's a will, there's a way.
Take the job. Have your H work deal with a local motel in the bad driving months for a preferred rate if the roads are that bad. Otherwise, commute.
Living apart is very, very rough on a marriage.
Thanks for the answers/suggestions everyone, I really appreciate all the advice.
We have discussed it more, and we definitely would be spending the weekends together, no matter what happens. It is a closed end contract. This job would set him up perfectly for a really good promotion back here in Boise two years down the road.
Unfortunately the town he would be working out of is super small, and limited on the job pool. At the very least I'd have to take a big salary cut, which we couldn't afford. Plus to be perfectly honest, I'm not terribly interested in living there. It's a resort town in the winter for ski season, and not much else.
I think for now we may live apart on the weekdays and see how it works. Financially speaking, it would be the easiest thing to do. And our financial situation would be much improved a year from now thanks to this new job. We can definitely re-examine things.
I'm a very independent person, so I know that I can do this, I just don't know about him. I've been in a long distance relationship before and he hasn't. The fact that it's a limited time makes it very much tolerable to me.
Thanks again for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate the input!
I am 30, and my H is 28. He just went through law school, which sucks down some major time and money before graduation.
I think commuting might be an option in the summer, but I really don't want to unecessarily have him risk his life on mountain roads every day in the winter. We do have some family up there that might be able to rent a room or a cabin to him on the cheap. We'd definitely have to ask around a bit.
Yes, that's a wonderful idea! We already have a skype account because my family lives over 2k miles away. Thank you for the suggestion, that would definitely make life easier!