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Future MIL Trouble - Any Advice??
Hi all,
I am having an issue with my FMIL. I was informed a couple of years ago that when she met me she didn't like me much. We get along fine, but knowing this information has made me insecure about several things that should probably not matter. Examples are: she comments how much she loves my FBIL's pictures of him and his girlfriend but never says anything about ours, she liked FBIL's girlfriend right away, she is still in contact with my FH's ex girlfriend all the time, has kept her pictures, talks about her, etc. She's never mean to me, but I just feel like second best, and I feel like she's more enthusiastic about my FBIL's relationship than my FH's with me. I don't want to bring it up with her because when I talk about it I feel awkward and childish. My FH listens to me, but I know he doesn't really understand why I'm so bothered by this. Is there anyone else who has experienced a similar situation and can give me advice on how to get over this insecurity? Thanks!!
Re: Future MIL Trouble - Any Advice??
It's probably never ever going to change. Sorry. In fact, it'll probably get worse for you.
How about later when MIL fawns all over their kids and ignores yours?
Unfortunately, there's not too much you can do. If you're both able to be polite and cordial with each other, just accept that you're probably not going to be BFFs. You might try reaching out to her and trying to get to know her better and hope that your relationship improves, but as long as she's being respectful to you, you really can't ask for more.
I had an ex-BF whose mom was a lot like this. She had all these pictures out of him with ex-GFs, would go on and on about how rich their families were, would invite them (or random single chicks) over when we'd go to their house for dinner. I just smiled, nodded, was civil to everyone, and then me and BF would laugh about it in the car on the way home.
I think you should just focus on the fact that FI obviously loves you, you have other important relationships in your life, and that you and MIL are just not going to be the top priority in each other's lives, and that's ok.
You can only hope that she will be nice and cordial to you, and good to your kids, if you have any. You don't have to be friends with your mother in law. I like mine well enough, but we aren't besties. We are too different. When my BIL had a Gf, I did feel she liked her better, bc BIL is her favorite. All you can do is be friendly and hope that she warms up.
I hope your H is standing up for you on this and telling your MIL that she has to respect you.
Your FI, by any chance?
Who would deliver such a message?
Not a huge deal so long as she is courteous and not talking smack about you. My MIL adored one of her 6 DILs and liked 2 of us and was cordial to the three she just didn't bond with. She had more in common with the one she was close to.
This is reall middle school stuff --- yes, who told you she doesn't like you?
Both the culprit and your FMIL need a good kick in the rump for this one alone.
Where is your FI in all of this? He should have nipped all of this in the bud when the divisiveness began.
It was my FBIL! He didn't say it to be malicious, it was a casual conversation that somehow turned to when my FH and I were first dating. Like I said, she and I get along... it's just I've never forgotten what he said! It eats at me.
You are absolutely right, thank you
Maybe I'm just more sensitive lately because the wedding is in 3 weeks and I'm stressing about the details, cost, etc. I appreciate your wise words!
Think long and hard before you walk down the aisle and say "I do"
This is a precursor to what your relationship and standing in your MILs family will be. Your BIL is an idiot man who shouldn't have said anything to you about what MIL said. But he did and now you need to accept it or walk away.
Well since you heard that third hand, I wouldn't pay much attention to it. FBIL could have been lying, exaggerating, misunderstood, or maybe he simply put her on the spot and she didn't know how to respond. However, someone ( your FI) should have a talk with him and tell him he needs to be more discreet.
As others have said, you will just have to come to terms with the fact that she like his girlfriend more than you. You probably have coworkers, friends, family members you like more than others, right ? People you share your interests and passions, people who have similar senses of humor, personality or outlook on life ? People who have a similar background and share a common bond with ? It happens to all of us and that is ok. She is too allowed to be closer with FBIL's girlfriend than with you. All that matters is that she is polite, respectful and civil to you.
I wish my ILs had another DIL/SIL to fawn over. But alas, I married an only child. Count your blessings OP.
Really though, regarding your insecurity - you have to reason with yourself. Is it really THAT important that your MIL likes your more than your BILs girlfriend? Really? You married her son, he is your priority.
Regarding the ex-gf stuff... it's one thing for her to be in contact with the girl. GFs/BFs become pseudo-family members and when the relationship doesn't work out, it's not always easy for the family to cut ties as well. However, if she's talking to YOU about the ex-gf and/or making comparison's between your relationship with your husband versus his relationship with the ex, he has to put his foot down. I speak from experience, my MIL has been known make a pissing contest out of my husband's relationship with his ex (from when he was 17 years old) and our marriage, 9 years later... so... I have very litle patience for bullsh!t like that.
Ok. I'm not saying this is all your fault, but you might have a self-fulfilling prophecy going on here. You think she doesn't like, that effects how you react around her, which in turn, effects how she interacts with you. Perhaps she's bonded more easily with FSIL because she's more natural and easier to be around. If you're feeling weird and awkward, that's going to impact how you interact with your FMIL.
Yes, that does make sense. Thank you
I know, it just doesn't feel that great
I was just hoping I could get some advice on how to work through it. Thank you!
You're not married yet.
If it's that big a deal, you could pull a Run Forrest Run on this ish.
I've been in a similar situation. While there are no favored exes (maybe only b/c DH never brought them home) and my SIL situation is different--she's been apart of the family for over a decade--my MIL couldn't care less about me, although she's never been blatantly mean.
There was a stage when we were dating that all MIL and her friends ever did was compare my looks to random other people they knew (since I've never met these women, idk how to take it) and it was very clear she and her friends always talked about her son growing up and marrying her close friends daughter which was very upsetting when he didn't. There have been many, many other cases of MIL doing/saying things that again, aren't mean, but she clearly only "likes" me because she loves her son and supports him/his decisions.
All of the above is fine. You need to come to terms with the fact that you aren't her favorite person but don't let it hurt your feelings. Be pleasant and charming but don't expect anything in return. That's the route I've taken--I make any appropriate/necessary communications, entertain any small talk, and show up with a smile on my face to functions. Some people are just different and will never become close with one another and considering nothing blatant has occurred, don't take it personally.
Thank you! Best advice yet!
Take it from her, it will be so much worse when you have children. I am not saying to leave your FH, but maybe you need to sit and seriously think about how this is going to effect you down the road and if you can handle it. I have a daughter from a previous relationship. My mother "adores" her (my mom isn't around much, but when she is, she spoils my daughter. Id be happier if she just spent more time with her.) Now my husband and my mother do not get along. They refuse to even be in the same room together. I mentioned to my mother that my husband and I would like to think about having children in about 5 years, she rolled her eyes and said "I don't think you need to be having more children with him." I said to her "So are you saying that if we have more children, you will ignore them too?" Her response was "I just don't think you should have anymore, its too uncomfortable for us already, you just want to make it worse" Trust me, make a pros and cons list prior to wedding
My mother in law was the same way, but unlike MrsBryan, it got better after our wedding, not worse. She lives out of state, and would even invite my husband's ex to dinner with us when she visited, when we were engaged! She also invited the ex to visit with us when we traveled to see her! (I am very very close friends with his ex, so it's not unenjoyable... just weird that she kept offering those invitations).
I felt like nothing I could do was right. She'd always say things like, "You're so pale, don't you ever go outside? You're so skinny, don't you ever eat?" We didn't fight, it just... felt like I was second best. I have pictures of her frowning with her face in her hands as I walked down the aisle.
We didn't really care because she lives so far away. I felt a little insecure about it before the wedding, but it never caused any friction between us, or between my husband and his mother.
Now that we are married and especially now that we are expecting our first baby together, I do feel a little bit more accepted and included in his family. She is very excited about having another grandchild. I even kind of started to like her a little bit. At least, I understand her more. She seems to have had a revelation also-- that I have to put up with all the stuff that drives her crazy about her child every day, WHILE pregnant! We have learned to accept each other, and will probably even learn to like each other.
So, it could go either way. Your fiance should have a gentle but serious talk with her long before the wedding to see how she really feels about it. My husband did this and it ended with a two day long fight between them that had me worried for a second that my husband was going to land on Bridezillas, but ultimately, it helped my MIL to acknowledge both her own behavior and understand my husband's feelings for me. This is between him and his mother, though-- if things turn sour, it will ultimately affect him much more than it will affect you.