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I called off my wedding.
It's not something I ever wanted to do. I mean, what girl actually wants to cancel her wedding?
I planned the whole thing myself, the dress, the venue, the catering, the colors, the save the dates... everything, and it was perfect. My fiance liked everything I picked and so I was getting my dream wedding.
The first dress I tried on was perfect and I knew it was the one I wanted my groom to see me in when I walked down the aisle. The venue was a rustic setting with lights strung and a view that was to die for. Literally everything was how I had pictured it since I was old enough to imagine myself actually getting married.
But he doesn't love me. Not the way you should when you're getting married at least. I hate that it took me so long to realize. I was paying for the whole wedding myself since I don't have family to help me, and of course I was getting stressed out from everything adding up, so when I asked him for help he told me he couldn't afford to. Then, not even a week later, he came up with money for some random thing he wanted to do. I asked him why he couldn't help me but could afford to do his guys thing, and his response was that he never agreed to help me pay when we started planning. But if he was really in love with me, wouldn't he care how much of a trainwreck I was? Wouldn't he want to help me even a little? So I asked him if he cared if I cancelled it. He said no and so I did. When I started packing my bags is when he flipped. But why would I stay with a man who didn't care about how devastated I would be from canceling it? When he proposed and I said yes, I was ready and I thought he was too. When it came down to it though, he wanted nothing to do with anything having to do with our wedding no matter how much he knew I cared or could see that it was hurting me. I mean, this man cared more about going to the gym than going with me to look for venues or find a cake. I was never a priority. Our wedding was an inconvenience to him and so was I.
No one has bothered asking me if I'm okay, all anyone cares about is why I did it. It seems I've lost everyone over this stupid wedding and now all I do is work and come home and watch movies with my dog. I've become such a recluse and all my attempts to reach out to old friends have failed. I just don't know what to do next.
Re: I called off my wedding.
OP,
I'm so sorry that this has been your experience! I have a girlfriend who called off her wedding as well, and throughout all of it, it was the support of her family and friends that helped her have the courage to call it off and move on. I'm sorry your family hasn't been there for you, but I hope you can find someone to help you with the emotional havoc I'm sure you feel. My friend saw a therapist to help untangle the mental tangle of yarn that she was inside. It took her another year or two, but eventually she started dating again and is now with a fantastic guy.
If you were in Boston, I'd take you out for a martini
Your emotional well being is much more important than just the Whys of the break up, and it's too bad that your friends have trouble seeing that. At least you recognized the signs of an incompatible mate before you said "I Do" and then had to extricate yourself out of a messy marriage. I applaud you for having the courage to follow your own happiness.
You cancelled your wedding to the man you loved because he wasn't interested in the actual wedding? Did he tell you he didn't love you?
I understand that you have dreamed of your wedding, but next time you need to get that a wedding is one day. The actual point of getting married isn't your dress or the venue, it's everything that comes AFTER that one day.
this. I was also confused, thinking maybe just the wedding was called off and you were still getting married. Hoping you clarified it with him, whether he didn't want the wedding or didn't want to get married!
Absolutely this! I applaud you as well!!!! Most individual's would just go on with the wedding and then be miserable. I feel you did the right thing. If they were true friends, they wouldn't care "why" you did it, they'd be there for you to support you and focus on how you're doing. You're going to go through an emotional rollercoaster like any other break up. Just focus on you! One day, you will have your dream wedding with your dream husband-to-be!
)
To MLE2010
Telling someone you love them is easy, meaning it is completely different. We may have very different opinions of what love is, but if I saw someone I cared about that much stressing out over something I'd do whatever it is to help.
When it came to the wedding, if he couldn't help me pay for it, thats fine, I could have managed. BUT, he wouldn't go get fitted, instead he wanted to go to the gym, he refused to get pictures taken because he didn't care about engagement photos. ***, he wouldn't even pick a best man or decide on groomsmen.
These problems that I kept running into, opened my eyes to the problems with our relationship. How we worked because I didn't ask him for help with anything and how I typically did whatever he wanted. I had moved to a new city to be with him so he was all I knew.
You're very correct when you say that the point of getting married isn't my dress or the venue, its everything that comes after. But why would I wait to see what comes after if he already shows so little interest now? I wasn't happy and I can't tie the knot with someone who is content seeing me like that.
To Wendygr
To be honest, I'm mourning both.
Calling off your wedding is beyond embarrassing. Having to call/email 150 people and having them all question you for it? It hurts. And to be honest I don't feel comfortable explaining to them that I called it off because I felt like the gym mattered to my fiance more than me.
My fiance, and believe me when I say this, was my world. From the day we met I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I still can't picture being with anyone else, I just know he doesn't look at me the same or think the same about me.
Its like when you meet someone and all you want to do is talk to your friends about how amazing they are and how happy they make you... it was like that for me up until I started asking him to do anything whether it be wedding planning or even talk of the future. Literally all he cared about was work (training at the gym) and working out. He insisted that if I wanted to be with him my future plans had to revolve around his.
Getting out may seem like some simple task, but I don't know people around here, and I'm doing my best to try.
This is a great response on why you should call off a wedding, go back and read your OP again. You honestly sound like you are mourning the wedding more than him, that is not a good sign. It was also really dramatic.
....and of course I was getting stressed out from everything adding up, so when I asked him for help he told me he couldn't afford to. Then, not even a week later, he came up with money for some random thing he wanted to do. I asked him why he couldn't help me but could afford to do his guys thing, and his response was that he never agreed to help me pay when we started planning.
If he couldn't partner with you for this, holy cow --- suppose you lost your job?? What would he expect you do to? Pay your own way?
Sis, you dodged not a bullet, but the Hiroshima bomb. You did the wise thing. His behavior you cited above is very very telling.
This kind of thing makes me wonder about the whole of your relationship -- it doesn't sound like you and he discussed and settled all the basics: how your money and his (which would be "our money" because once you marry, your money and his now becomes collectively belonging to you both) will be saved and spent. If he couldn't collaborate with you jointly on funding money for the wedding, what was he going to jointly collaborate with you on, regarding "our money"?
If you told him you'd pay for the whole event and he didn't even offer to fund half of it -- this is bad news -- and an indicator of things to come. As I said, you dodged a bullet.
Did you discuss money? and what was the outcome?
I'm wildly interested in hearing his viewpoints how "our" money should be handled.
Hoping you didn't buy a home with this guy. If you did, see an attorney. This might be a mess you will have to unravel with the help of a lawyer.
** that sounds more more like you have a stick up your ass and didn't plan at all in the first place fduck you whore
I know a guy who proposed...and then his FI refused to plan any type of event!
He wound up making all of the plans for the wedding, not his FI.
"He would not help me plan" is only part of it. I am getting the idea that this guy wasn't good for anything much; he expected the OP to pull the load and pull the cart as far as everything is concerned --- if she was stuck doing everything now, what do you think he OP would have been in for, once this was a legal and binding contract?
This isn't much of a character show on his part.
I am pretty sure she'd have wound up footing all of the household expenses, too -- and don't get me started on that. A guy who more or less lives off his wife and partner is no man at all.
She's well rid of this guy.
What I suggest for the OP:
Therapy! learn how to stand on your own 2 feet and stick up for yourself and put yourself first. And accept nothing less.
Maybe this is how you were brought up; you can't help that but you can sure help yourself right now.
Keep busy: don't stay at home and brood -- start with small steps; what do you like to do? Make a list of activities and find something to do that is related to what you like to do. Your best bet is to get involved with a group that is connected to your interest or hobby. Maybe try a volunteer endeavor that raises money for a good cause; there are many good causes out there.
I can name many things to do: learn a new sport (tennis, martial arts, kickbox) join a hobby related group, something volunteer at your house of worship (if you attend a church/synogogue/house of worship), alumni group of your college, night school classes, learn something new (photography, cooking, another language), join a civic/community group -- these are to name a few activities.
What about the doggie park? I'm a dog owner also -- there's always something going on there and there's lots of interesting people who bring their dogs.
I am a little baffled by the financial stuff. Shouldn't that have been discussed PRIOR to planning the wedding. Is it that he doesn't care....or maybe he just didn't want the big 'dream' wedding to start with???? If he was NEVER on board for the big 'dream' wedding....then I can see why he would not offer to help pay for it. This might show some insensitivity....even being stubborn...but to make the assumption he doesn't 'care' seems a bit extreme.
Ya know....being married is NOT about the fancy wedding day....it is about the life that follows the wedding day.
I am not saying you did anything wrong....I guess I assume there is far more to this story. I also think if you felt like there was any doubt about your relationship it is BEST that you broke things off.
Make a pregnancy ticker
I say good for you! Regardless of whether or not he is a good person (doesn't really sound like it, but I don't know him!), it definitely seems like he was not a good fit for you. When I married my husband, I had no doubt that he was the one for me! And if he were struggling with anything - money, work, etc. - I would do what I could to help him. He'd do the same for me! When you get married, you are a team, and you have to work together. Doesn't sound like he was much of a team player in this relationship.
It's no fun to be stuck in a place where you don't know anyone... is moving back to where you have friends/family an option? If not, I think you'll need to do like others have said and get involved in some activities to meet people. It's easy to lay on the couch with your dog and be depressed (I've been there!) but you won't feel any better until you get out and do something different. Good luck!
Nice, you are a lady aren't you? Shame on you for talking like that.