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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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MIL says I don't bring anything to table
I have long had the feeling my MIL didn't like me. Once, my husband and I got married, things seemed to get better, especially once we got a puppy that she absolutely loves. I did still feel like I wasn't her favorite person, but it seemed she had realized I would be a part of her son's life for good. Recently, I have injured my neck and am unable to work more than a few hours a week and cannot do a lot around the apartment either (doctor's orders). My husband and I are in the process of buying a house and when he was sharing the exciting news with his mom, she asked him to go in a different room from me. Not knowing what it was about, he did and she told him that she thought it was a bad idea because I would get half of everything if we got divorced and I am not bringing anything to the table. After the call, my husband told me about what my MIL said and that he was upset she said it and wanted me to know he didn't feel that way. It was nice to have his support, but I am really upset and am not sure how to go about the future relationship with the MIL. Please give advice!
Re: MIL says I don't bring anything to table
Well first, I would accept that you aren't her favorite person. That's ok. You don't need to be. All you ask is that she be civil and polite. As such, she doesn't need to be your favorite person either, as long as you are civil and polite to her in public.
Ok, now my question is, what did your husband say to her when she said that nonsense about divorce ? Did he put her in her place ? It is one thing to tell you he doesn't agree with her, it is quite another to say that to her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Was his answer "Over my dead body; I will NOT leave the room ---what you can say to me you can say in front of my wife"?
From the looks of it, he didn't say exactly that.
Too bad you married such a flaming wussy.
I don't think there's too much you can do about MIL other than to continue to be civil to her and hope that she comes around and starts treating you like your husband's wife.
Your husband, on the other hand, needs to stand up to his mother and let her know that she can't talk to you or about you in that manner, and emphasize that you need to be treated with respect, or you'll need to scale back on your contact with her. He needs to set boundaries and then follow through.
Yes and really, why is your DH telling you the awful things she said about you to him? I don't understand that part at all. He should handle it and leave you out of it. Seems like he is part (if not most/all) of the problem here.
I agree with this. Your MIL shouldn't have even asked to speak with him alone, that's rude, if she wanted to bring that up to him, she can call him or speak to him when he's visiting her alone. If it was the other way around, I'd be upset if my mom asked to speak with me in private in front of husband about my husband. Rude and tactless. He should've mentioned 'um, my wife is here, you can speak to me in front of her' - only because it's uncomfortable to the spouse that's sitting there in one room while being talked about in other room. Glad that he doesn't agree with her thoughts on this though.
Eh. I'd be annoyed and confused if DH had a conversation like that and DIDN'T tell me about it.
Like PPs have said, you accept that she may never like you and be civil. And then tell your husband he needs to put the kibosh on crap like making him leave the room to speak to her privately. She says garbage like that to him because he lets her.
Well thats extremely rude of you MIL.
About a month before I got married, my aunt and grandmother decided to pull something like this on me. My aunt was the personal representative of my dad's estate and we weren't getting along. She told me that she would step down as personal rep if I had a prenup drawn up. I kindly responded by saying "If I need a prenup, then I don't need to be getting married." I even asked my own attorney about the idea and he said he wouldn't even get one, so that should say something. Then, my grandmother, a week or two prior to the big day, told me she didn't really think my future hubs and I were compatible. I told her I disagreed and couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.
Being that there are no secrets between hubs and me, he knows all of this. He has decided to take the high road and kill them with kindness. Some people are going to say what they want regardless or who they are talking to and how it will make that person feel. If I was your hubs, I would respond to my mother by saying "well mom, I am currently planning my future with my wife and in that future a divorce doesn't exist."
I'm guessing you MIL is divorced herself because it sounds like she's kind of bitter.
Husband problem.
Your MIL is an idiot and your husband takes after her.
His first stupid move was agreeing to leave the room in order to talk behind your back. His second crime was to not have your back and cut her short. And his third and final transgression was to share this with you. If what his mother says doesn't matter, why share?
He let you down. Big time.
Okay, first of all, my husband left the room not knowing what his mom was going to say. For all he knew, his mom could have said that she wanted to help us buy the house but wanted to make sure she wasn't stepping on our toes. Second, I wasn't in the room, so for all I know he told him mom to go to h*ll. Third, my husband knows that having an open and honest relationship is very important to me, so him telling me respects my wishes. With that in mind, I know my husband is not the problem. We have been talking about this issue and we both aren't sure how to handle it. I told him I currently don't feel comfortable visiting his family, and he told me he will support that.
I was looking more for advice such as the "kill her with kindness" and how to survive the in-law relationship since I don't want my husband to end his relationship with his mother. I was not looking to place blame on my husband.
Until his mother learns to respect his wife and marriage what kind of relationship do you think they will have? It's up to HIM to tell her what you two will put up with. Until he puts her in her place and demands respect for the two important things in his life (you and his marriage) these problems and strained relationships will keep happening.
Btw, killing her with kindness isn't and won't fix or help anything.
I also forgot, unless your H stormed out of the other room screaming we are leaving and slammed the door on your way out: YOU STILL HAVE A HUSBAND PROBLEM!!!
But OP - do you really believe that your husband has NO obligation to defend you? You say you don't know what he said. I think it's safe to say he said next to nothing considering he let you know what SHE said, but never provided any indication that he took up for you.
You are his wife, his spouse, the woman he committed his life to. No one should be allowed to get away with making a disparaging remark about you. If ANYONE, including my own parents, siblings, or even a complete stranger said anything like that about my husband, there would be hell to pay.
You want advice on how to deal... first, get your husband on board! I know you don't want to blame him. I get it. It's a tough pill to swallow to admit that your husband was a wimp in this situation. But he was. Accept it and communicate that going forward he MUST defend you and demand respect for you. The fact that these comments slipped by with no consequences is essentially an invitation for more derogatory statements from her. He should absolutely address what was said and make a commitment to continue to have your back should additional unwarranted, inappropriate words flutter out of your MILs mouth.
Second, realize that when your husband expresses displeasure with her, it does not mean the end of their relationship. Frankly, I don't think it's warranted (not yet anyway, fingers crossed this nonsense doesn't continue). People do and say crappy things, it's a part of life. But that does not mean that there aren't repercussions. He needs to let her know that what she said was inappropriate and rude and that going forward he doesn't want to hear a negative word come out of her mouth about you.
Finally, you don't need to have a warm and fuzzy relationship with this woman. You married her son, not her. Honestly, I hate "kill 'em with kindness." It's nothing short of bullsh!t and it encourages the antagonist to keep on doing what their doing. "Hey, I totally disrespected Anna and got away with it. In addition to that, she's kissing my a** now! Gee, what a lucky lady am I?" F*ck that! Your husband let this slide. Your MIL now has power. Furthermore, now YOU'RE here, beating yourself up over it and wondering how YOU should fix it!?!
What you need to realize - there are consequences for poor choices in every walk of life. You f*ck up at work, you get fired. You f*ck up in your marriage, you get divorced. You f*ck up in your relationship with your kid or his wife, you get your a** called out on it. Them's the breaks. Deal with it.
I would talk to your husband and ask him to stop sharing information on your lives with your MIL. She doesn't need to know that you are looking to buy a house and give her opinion. What you do is buy the house, close on it, and then tell her oh we bought this house. She can say what she wants at that point, but its water under the bridge already done. You guys are giving her too much power/input/opinions in your lives.
I would also talk to you husband and ask him to no longer leave the room for his mom to have alone conversations with him since they will likely be about you, and ask him what his response to her was for saying this about you.
For MIL, I would just ignore her. People like your MIL think their opinions matter when they really don't. So go about your lives do what you want, don't justify or explain yourself to MIL- just do what you want. If she has any brains she'll eventually figure out that you are not telling her things or asking for her opinion/ advice. If she doesn't have any brains she'll keep giving her opinion and you guys will continue to do whatever you want. If she says anything disrespectful then you and your husband should have prepared responses to her to basically tell her that it is none of her business in a polite manner. Phrases like- we have it covered, we appreciate your concern but our decisions are final, we will no longer discuss this with you...
DH should have cut her off and said, "We are not getting divorced and you are out of line here." Then he should have turned, and left with you.
He should deal with his mom. She's HIS mom. You shouldn't think one more moment about HOW to deal with her, various strategies to use or not use, etc. She's HIS mom. This is HIS business. He needs to cut her off and talk to her so that she never says anything like this again, to him or to anyone else.
Dear OP, I'm afraid it's true... you have a husband problem.
I do understand why he might not think it a big deal to be asked to leave the room - my ILs actual tag team us and distract one to talk to the other, but I'm on to them (usually it's to organize a group bday present or something, nothing sinister).
However, there is no excuse for not putting your MIL in her place. You haven't said what he did say (only that you don't know). I'm not sure I'll assume he said nothing... and although I'm loathe to defend him, he may not really have known what to say - especially if he was unaware of possible ill feelings from her toward you.
Why did he tell you about it? He told you he was upset, maybe he wanted to share that with his best friend. Also, when his mother said those things to him, he might have been struck by the thought that you may feel you don't bring anything to the table either. I could actually see him being speechless realizing that might be something he didn't consider about your feelings.
Again, that's not to excuse him. He should still have told your MIL where to stick it. On the plus side, now you can discuss this with him and tell him that it's his job to deal with his parents - as it is your job to deal with yours - and from now on you certainly hope he'll support you in word and action to his parents rather than let it go because it upsets him.
One more thing, also mentioned by PP: you and your MIL don't have to like each other. You stole her little boy (from her perspective) and she doesn't like you for it. No need to kill her with kindness. Next time she asks your H to leave the room with her - if he happens not to say anything (!!!!), tell her she might as well stay, the two of you have no secrets.
Edit: I meant to add that you bring a lot to the table. Obviously you're a very intelligent and sensitive person, and that doesn't describe everyone. Your own opinion of yourself shouldn't change because of the comments your MIL made.
You're delusional or in denial. I the entire history of you knowing this woman has she ever displayed this level of generousity or sensitivity? And even if that was her typical MO, now that her son has an equal partner, she wouldn't leave that partner out of the loop.
Dream on.
There's a huge difference between being open and chosing to pass along mean-spirited comments. Open and honest means your DH would have left their little side bar the moment MIL went to the dark side and shown her the door.
So he now promises to "support you". WTF does that mean IRL? Has he banished the woman from your home? Is he going to stop share your private life with her? Is he going to not get pissy if you stay home when he visits her or is he going to cut her out of his life? Is he expecting you to "get over" this at some point, perhaps once you have a child? I'd want specifics. Support is meaningless without a plan.
I'm sorry you're upset nobody here thinks you picked a winner. But it is what it is. He's been disloyal to his marriage partner and that's just uncool.
You may never be able to make this woman like you, but you have it in your power to make her respect you if you behave in that doesn't command it. I'd start with your DH, if he puts you first his mother will have to cut the crap.
You definitely need to have your husband handle your MIL. Also, if she had to bring him to a separate room and tell him that you're not bringing anything to the table, she obviously doesn't really have any respect for you. On another note, your MIL seems a little too involved in your private life. She needs to mind her business. When DH and I were looking for houses, my MIL offered to come with us to look at houses and I told DH "hell no". This is an important decision that needs to be made between the couple and if you wanted her advice, you could seek it later. This behavior will only get worse when you bring a child into the mix. I am sure she will have plenty to say to him about that, which is why your DH needs to nip this in the bud now by putting her in her place and telling her to keep her comments to herself!!! I also think there was nothing wrong with him telling you what she said, as other posters stated because it is important to be honest with each other. Now he just has to man up and let her know that her behavior won't be tolerated.
I got the impression that DH was on the phone with MIL and that you two were not physically with her. So why she would still ask him to go into another room from you, and that he did, is odd. He could have said he was not in the room with you, or taken a lap around your table to make it seem like he was walking away and the sit back down next to you.
Without knowing what his reply was to his mother, it's hard to offer advice in regards to MIL and to DH as well. If you two have an honesty expectation that he tells you what she said, then he needs to tell you what he said as well. He also should have nothing to hide from you, and that most definitely includes conversations with his mother when you are the topic.
Next, he needs to address the issue with his MIL directly and bluntly. And he should do this in your presence. He needs MIL to know and understand that he stands WITH you, not in front of you as a barrier. He can NOT allow her to speak that way about you. Ever. He needs to tell her in front of you that he will not stand for any of it, and that until she profusely apologizes to you in a manner and level you find acceptable, then she will hear from neither of you. Wash, rinse, and repeat as needed.
To insult my husband is to insult me, and my husband feels the same way in return. We do not allow others to speak of us/each other that way.
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