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Not sure what this is
So since MIL passed away in July we have kind of put everything on the back burner as far as changing titles and all that until we got everything else taken care of and for BIL to decide what he wanted to do with the house/land. So now here we are with everything done and BIL deciding he just wants to sell it all and everyone is looking to me for the next step. I have so much else going on in my life right now that I seriously wish someone else would do this BUT I know it would be done wrong.
Anyways so we have this meeting today with a lawyer to have the succession done and all this good stuff. It's just me and H going and then we will have to discuss things with BIL and SIL before we actually have anything done. Which means at some point this weekend we have to sit down with them (yay me) and also tell them how much their half of everything will be.
Also we need to talk to them about what to do with MIL's ashes since we had her cremated (per her wishes.) We have had her in the box they gave us since Sept. and it's in our garage because neither H and I or BIL and SIL wanted to keep her ashes. But I honestly feel leaving her in our garage is wrong and it makes me uncomfortable. H and I are starting to have crazy dreams about MIL lately and it is really giving us the creeps.
Problem with all this you might ask: BIL NEVER wants to talk about anything having to do with MIL. He can't even bring himself to go out to her house. H and I are trying to be delicate about the situation but we don't feel the same way BIL does about all this and we know everyone deals with everything differently but we kind of need to get things done. And if we are going to sell the house/land we need to list it soon.
H and I want all this done before I have a baby and while I know both processes could take a while we are already trying to get pregnant. We at least want the house up for sell before then and in order to do that we need to have the succession done. Also we want to do something with MIL's ashes before it gets too hot outside and in Louisiana that will be very soon.
I'm not really sure where I was going with all this maybe I just needed to vent or tell someone I'm not sure. Honestly I think I just knew you ladies would feel my frustration a little more than others and for obvious reasons I can't truely tell H about how I feel.
As always advice is welcomed! And thanks for letting me vent.
Re: Not sure what this is
First off, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. My boss's mom just died and she's been telling me about all the stuff you have to do after a person dies, and it just sounds terrible and like a huge pain dealing with all the different places.
Question: does your BIL legally have to agree to everything you do? Otherwise, my honest advice is that it might just be easier if you and your H just do everything without their input because it sounds like BIL doesn't care anyways. It might be a bit more work, but the trade off might be worth it to not have to deal with him.
As far as the ashes, did your mom have a place she liked to visit? Did she like to be outside? If you guys don't wish to keep them, maybe you and your H could scatter them someday. Maybe have a private "goodbye" with just the 2 of you, since you guys were the ones who took care of her at the end of her life. BIL has made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with the ashes, so might as well keep it private. If it were me I probably wouldn't even tell him what I did with them unless he specifically asked.
Probaby not super helpful info, but it's all I got!
I would just do what you, your H and the lawyer thinks is best and present it to BIL telling him that if he doesn't like it he can put the time and effort into finding a better option.
I would do the same thing with the ashes. I would work with H on a place you could spread them and decide when you're doing. Let BIL know and if he comes great, if not that was his choice.
If BIL's name is on any papers for the house then, unfortunately, he has to be present to sign over anything or sign off on anything. Dealing with this stuff is never fun and I am sorry that you have to go through it now when you have so much else going on as well. I would just sell the house and be done with it and if BIL doesn't agree with that then it can be on his hands to figure out what to do with it.
As far as MIL's ashes go, did she go to a church? Did she have a H that passed away before her? Some churches have a place that you can actually spread the ashes within their grounds and then you can get a name plate to place where they were spread (so other family members can come visit that spot). If she had a H that passed before her and was buried, you could 'plant a tree' next to his grave and place the ashes into the hole instead of a tree. Some people might be put off by that but I think it is a nice idea. Otherwise, maybe think of a place she loved and spread them there. If BIL isn't interested in being a part of that make it something nice for you and your H.
I hope all this stuff gets settled for you quickly and you don't have to stress over it much longer.
While I understand and partially agree with what the other ladies are saying, I don't know for sure if your BIL isn't interested or doesn't care about these things, but rather that he just can't deal with it all yet. I know when my FIL passed away a few years ago, it took MH a lot longer to process and deal with everything than it did his brother and sister. Everyone is going to deal with this in their own way, but perhaps rather than just saying he doesn't care he may just not be ready to handle or deal with it.
With that being said, it isn't fair to the two of you to "hold onto" your MIL until he and your SIL are ready. I would sit down with the attorney like you are planning and then sit down with BIL & SIL and let them know what the course of action is that the attorney suggested taking. Let them know that you want them to be involved, but you also understand if they are not ready, but that you need to get this handled before too long and before it becomes something that never gets handled.
As far as the ashes go, while you are having a conversation with all of them, get their ideas/thoughts and then just make a decision. I know, easier said than done, but also let them know that you need to get this handled because it makes you so uneasy and want to give your MIL a "resting spot". If they can't be involved then simply let them know that you and H will decide and let them know so when they are ready, they will be able to "visit" her.
Sorry that you are having to deal with this and it is completely overwhelming. I think these are the roles we have to do when we become the spouses. We have to be the rational thinkers and pushers when they just aren't ready to be. I know that you will figure it out and I know whatever decision you do make, will be the right one. GL