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MIL to-be is a nasty gold digger
The title pretty much sums it up, but here's the back story. When my fianc? and I met it was only a few months after he'd had a terrible accident at work that left him disabled and at the beginning of a long battle with worker's comp and his former employer. I was a single mother of 2. Our relationship is not very conventional (for other reasons I won't share at this time) and as a result it's caused issues in some of our other relationships with friends and/or family. His mother has been the least supportive. I spent Thanksgiving with his family recently and stayed 1 week with him and his mother during this time. He lives with his mom since the accident so she can make sure he gets to doc and lawyer appts. Towards the end of the week there was a huge breach in privacy which ended in a weekend long discussion about her truly feelings about me. She pretty much told me that I am a level-headed young woman with a good head on my shoulders and 2 beautiful children. Why would I want to be with her son? The question puzzled me as that's exactly the type of person you would wish for your child, isn't it? She then went on to say that if we intended to get married there WOULD be a prenup. (she's scared Im only interested in some settlement he may or may not get from his accident) and if it didn't happen when she felt he was mentally ready, then she would not attend. One month later he proposed to me and when we told her she just said, "Oh that's a pretty ring" and that was it.
All along she has been telling us both how once he gets his settlement he's going to pay off her current home, buy her a new home (she only points out homes that MUST be in the $500k range) and how he's going to buy her all sorts of cosmetic surgery. Meanwhile, I get upset when he splurges on gifts for me and the children because I've been supporting myself for so long that I don't feel comfortable accepting gifts. She goes on racist rants which I don't want to expose my children to. She also refuses to accept her son's lifestyle. I guess I should explain. He's transgender. So she never uses male pronouns. He is her daughter as far as she is concerned. My youngest child is only 6 and I don't plan on explaining this to her right now since I don't believe she'd understand. I don't need his mother spilling the beans on this until we decide as a family that it's time.
Point being, she's a miserable woman that I don't want to be around or have my children spend time with. She tries to be nice and buys things for the kids or makes them things, but all in all she's really unpleasant. My fianc? is very much a people pleaser and a Mama's boy and while he tries to stand up to her, I fear it's going to fall on me. It's already a delicate situation and I don't know how to proceed.
Re: MIL to-be is a nasty gold digger
Honestly, I would run from this relationship. He has serious mother issues and she has control issues. With the he is going to buy me a 500k house & plastic surgery and your signing a prenup, just no. If you do stay with him you will most likely end up living with her and she will watch every penny spent. It just all sounds miserable.
Next time she goes off about him buying crap for her ask her who the gold digger really is.
I agree. There are more men out there that have way less drama in their lives. And let's face it, this relationship is starting out as drama so you can guaren-damn-tee that it will be routed in drama.
We do plan to move in together, but I'm trying to wait until the school year is finished.
Turning tail and leaving is not an option because that's now how I operate just because something is difficult. I know it's going to be a struggle dealing with his mother. I knew this going into things. I went into this with eyes wide open.
What I'm looking for is advice dealing with a MIL who is not supportive. I've had issues with in-laws before, but never to this extent because, to be honest, I didn't care enough about my SO at the time for it to really bother me. Now all I want is her approval and while I've made peace with not getting it, we still need to find a middle ground.
How old are you?
Do yourself a favor: do as the pp suggested --- run fast and run hard from this mess.
Just for the transgender issue alone this is already sticky --- and even if his mother was not involved in his life in anyway, you and he need through premarital counseling for the transgender issue.
She will not accept the fact that he is transgender but she doesn't mind waiting for the gravy train to pull into the station.
Get yourself out of there -- and to a therapist. I wonder if you're a "fixer" an that's why you accepted this relationship.
If you do wish to stay with him, he needs to cut her off completely and he needs to relocate, no forwarding address available to his mother...
And even if you do stay with him, what you have is a guy who is broken and can't be fixed. He's immature and he can't cut the apron strings. I do not think yo want a guy like that.
GL.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Tell us why you think it is worth this "relationship" if you have to put up with nothing but divisiveness and manipulation from his mother.
You are fighting a losing battle. And as I said, he's broken and can't be fixed. He's got a ton of apron string problems. Nothing is going to change that, unless he gets therapy for himself; he has to want to go because he wants to make a change and he has to be motivated to break free of his mother's manipulativeness.
She is also using him. Who the heck wants that? do you? Does he?
I'm 30. Everyone would LIKE to have the approval of their ILs I would think, but it's not necessary. Maybe I'm just old school.
He agreed to pay off her house before he and I met and I have no issue with it. As for the other things....I guess before we met they dreamed together about a big castle in the sky after the settlement.
He does stand up to her though. Not as much at first, but as her attacks have become more and more nasty his backbone has grown imensely. What's interesting is that a few hours after I posted this she verbally assaulted me all over FB for about an hour.
Not sure why "relationship" is in quotes, but he is worth everything to me, as are my children. Not situation is going to be ideal. I'm realistic enough to know this. While I am only 30, believe me I have been through more than more people twice my age. I'm no starry eyed child.
Also not sure what him being transgender has anything to do with he and I. Why would we need counseling for that? The issue here is between myself and his mother. I don't want there to be bad blood between us and I certainly don't want to come between them. I want him to be able to be an adult and live his life...just like I would want for MY children. I don't understand her POV and it's making things difficult. She thinks I'm stealing him away from her plus I don't have the parts necessary to give her a grandchild so she blindly hates me for no reason. Ignorant hatred plus the typical mother hen stuff just makes this awful all around. I have big shoulders and I can carry a lot. As for my children, I can certainly protect them from her. They will see that Mommy is stressed sometimes, but I can manage that too.
I guess I found the advice I was looking for somehow in just talking this out with myself. So thanks for listening to me vent haha
Tarpon, what is the transgender "issue" that they need to get counseling for?
I do think couples counseling would be a good idea so you can agree on how to set boundaries and get on the same page about finances, and individual counseling might be good for him to figure out why he's so willing to bend over backwards for someone who doesn't accept him for who he is and who treats you so horribly. That's the real issue- she can be as demanding and awful as she wants to be, but if he deals with it appropriately it shouldn't be a problem for you as a couple. This stuff needs to be worked out if you're in this for the long haul and he's going to be a parental figure for your kids.
I can relate to what you are going through. I married my husband a little over a year ago and we love each other very much. He is a kind loving person but he has a mother who is controlling, nosy, very opinionated and can be very pushy and his father backs her up with whatever crazy thing she says. We had the issues before we got married even, but I loved him so much leaving him was out of the question.
However, I was not going to marry him until a few changes were made. First thing being that he had to show me that he chose me over his parents. He had to show me that he was committed to me and to our marriage. He had always had a huge problem with standing up to his parents. Once he showed me that he was willing to do whatever it took to make a marriage work that is when I said yes to a marriage proposal. I knew that it still wasn't going to be easy as his parents are over the top to the point where I actually had to call the police on his mom because she wouldn't stop her screaming and caring on when she found out that we were moving 30 min away. (mind you we lived at that point 10-15mins walking distance from their house). That story goes on and on but I won't trouble you with the details.
Bottom line he needs to show you that he is willing to stand up for you and put you first over his parents. He is marrying you not his parents and that needs to be understood first and foremost because if leaving him is not an option like it was for me then be prepared for anything. If the stress gets to much go to a councilor even if it is just for the two of you learning to be stronger for the other. Counseling worked wonders for us. My husband is a completely different person emotionally not only with the way he deals with his parents but with his friends and co-workers as well.
Like everything it takes time and if you both are willing to go for it for the long hall it might be tough but it will work out.
Yeah, seriously. I'd hate for all these people that are telling you to leave the man you love just because he's transgender or because he's been in an accident that left him paralyzed. What would happen if your husband got in an accident, would you just leave? Or what if your child turns out to be transgender? Wouldn't it break your heart if no one would date your child because of it? I'm glad you found the strength on your own to deal with your MIL. I think you just need to cut her off and start a life on your own with your fiance in your own place. If she wants to change, then she can be a part of your lives again. If not, then good riddance.