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Seriously Concerned
Not sure what I should do. Let me tell you now that my fiance and I both live with his parents. That's not the problem. It's actually a blessing that we do.
Our wedding is coming up in September. We were all very excited about it. But for the last 2 years my soon to be mother in law has been fighting a very aggressive type of breast cancer. Things were going pretty good all things considered.
My own mom is pretty much not in the picture. She's more interested in HER life than anything else. So FI's mom has been there for me a lot. For the last few months her chemo treatments have stopped working. They'd change it to another chemo, but nothing.
Between us and the City of Hope she goes to, we've all tried everything we can think of. Spiritual help, nutritional help, surgery, therapy, chemo trials... everything.
Her energy levels have plummeted. Seeing how things were going my fiance and I decided, 3 months ago, to move our wedding up from September 2014 to September 2013. His mom was not too happy about it at first because she thought it was a sign that we'd given up on her fight. We haven't. But we wanted her to be in a good enough condition that she could enjoy the day with us.
Last week she was told that if we don't find something that works that she will have 6 months left. We were all devastated! Still are. But now it's worse. Her lung cavity keeps filling with fluid and no one can tell us why. This is a new development. We had to take her to the hospital last Friday to drain it and again on Sunday because it'd filled up again! In TWO days!!
With this new problem, they're saying without effective treatment that she has 4 months.
I don't know what to do. I have suggested moving our wedding date back to 2014 so as to not have to worry about it while we try to help his mom but we both know that if we did and she found out she'd be so upset. And that's the last thing we want to do. Plus we've already put a large deposit down on the venue.
So how do I try to be 'happy' and plan a wedding while one of the best women I've ever known slowly dies?! Do I keep the date and keep the wedding talk to a minimum? Do I completely set the wedding aside till things calm down?
How can I be happy on my wedding day know my new husband's mother died mere months ago?
Advice would be appreciated...
Re: Seriously Concerned
Hope you and he have been speaking to a social worker --- when a loved one has a devestating illness, a professional of that type is a boon to the family member. Hospitals have social workers; usually the town or city you live in also has one employed there, too.
YOu have paid for the venue --- is there any way you wold consider having a small ceremony for very immediate family ( your FMIL would be able to attend) in the very near future? YOu could then have a wedding celebration at the venue later on this year for family and friends. YOu would get to have your wedding with your FMIL in attendance fairly soon and you'd also not lose money on the venue. Maybe a wedding soon for very immediate family would be something you could think about doing --- you could take that group of people to a restaurant afterwards and have a dinner party. (wedding cakes are easily obtained from just about anywhere --- try a bakery, a supermarket; they could do one fairly short notice)
Your FMIL cold also attend the celebration upcoming in September. So you'd get to have your ceremony and your wedding celebration, also.
I will bet your FMIL would love to go to an "early wedding" and a big shebang in September -- it probably would give her something to look forward to.:)
If you and he are spiritual or religious, there's also the option of talking to your clergyperson --- there are also clergy people found in hospitals, also.
My Mom and I were very close. Shortly after I got engaged she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and she died 9 days after she was diagnosed. The only thing that mattered to me was getting married with my Mom there. DH and I got a marriage license and were going to get married at her bedside but unfortunately it just didn't work out for us. It was extremely hard to plan my wedding without her but in the end I knew she was happy for us and that gave me a lot of peace.
My point in telling you this is that I completely agree with pps. I would do something small for family only so that she can enjoy your day and celebrate with you, and would continue with your other plans and just do a vow renewal then. I don't want you to look back and regret not doing somethign while she was still alive.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending lots of prayers your family's way!
I would sit down with your FI and talk with him about what he would like to do. The prognosis time that doctors give can be very inaccurate, and things can change quickly. She could rally and feel much better in September, or she could keep getting worse. I think it would be really hard to plan a big wedding around her.
I think if you, FI, and FMIL are in agreement, maybe you could have a small, intimate ceremony very soon that she could be a part of, and continue planning the big wedding for September. Agree with PP that this is case where it would be acceptable to do this and wouldn't look like a "pretty princess day." I do agree that it would be hard to plan lots of details while you're going through all of this, but if you can lock down the big things (venue, officiant, dress, photographer), you can let the small stuff slide. I'd try to knock those big things out quickly and then focus your time on your family.
Thank you all for your advice.
I wanted to up the wedding to make sure she'd be a part of it. But as soon as I did she got very upset and forbade it. She REALLY doesn't want anything big to change 'just' because of her.
Perhaps she will be more agreeable to a small courthouse wedding and a nice dinner. Though she hasn't been able to leave the house for over a month.
I know it frustrates her that she can't do the things she wants to do. I'm marrying her only child. She feels horrible that there's a very big possibility that she won't be there to see it.
Last night she and I talked about it all. I told her things looked bad but they weren't over yet. Not yet. She seemed to like that and it cheered her up a bit.
At the moment we're all kinda of the opinion that the wedding is now secondary. I'm good with this. Our venue is taking care of most things for us so we don't have to be concerned with lots of little details. We can focus on Terrie.
I'm so very sorry that your surrogate mom is facing such an aggressive cancer. A few suggestions:
1. Have a private ceremony soon - and I mean soon - just you, FI and parents/grandparents/siblings. Use a justice of the peace. Go out to dinner afterwards. Then your FMIL will get to see you married and enjoy a small celebration.
2. I'd put off your wedding plans, if it were me.
3. Talk to a social worker or therapist if you can, maybe attend a family support group.
4. I really think the important thing here is to do what is best for your FMIL, which it sounds like you are trying to do. What is best is totally yours/your family's call. GL.
OP, so very sorry your family is going through this tough time. I say your family because that is the feeling I get for your relationships with your ILs.
As PPs have said, have a small ceremony soon, and since she can't leave the house you could have someone cater it at her home just for a few of you. Wedding cake: just get a nice cake. we got a "plain ol' " black forest cake for our wedding cake, not in our culture's tradition to save the top tier. It was delicious. Most bakeries will let you order something they regularly make but make it fancier with just a couple of days' notice.
Since she doesn't want a 'big' thing to change for her, she may oppose having a ceremony earlier, so it's important that you show her you think she's going to win this battle. It has to be obvious: for example, tell her you want to buy her a pair of shoes for the ceremony and a flashier pair for the big party. Or gown-shop with her online (since she can't go out) for her September dress. You'd be surprised how 'wasting' a bit of money on something new for someone who thinks you've given up on them can shore up their spirits. Heck, buy her a new dressing gown, anything, so she feels that you KNOW she'll have good use for it a for a long time to come.
You could also blindside her with a small ceremony. Just have someone come do her hair and makeup as a 'trial for the big day', get dressed for dinner with family, and surprise her with the purpose. Heck, you could get married in the middle of dinner if you find someone agreeable! Then tell her you want her to be able to concentrate on getting better and on helping you plan the big event without pre-wedding jitters -after all, you'll already have been married and just have a party with family and friends!
I hope you're all helping each other out and have a good support system. Social worker, psychologist, pastor - whoever works for you, but they're professionals and can often be more helpful than a friend that's close to the situation.
As for being happy on the 'big day' in September - be happy that she was with you when you got married; be happy that she entrusted her only child to you and that she loved you; be happy that you celebrated her life by sharing yours with her son.
I'm so very sorry that you have this situation to deal with. Your situation seems almost identical to my own two years ago.
My bf (now DH) and I dated long distance for two years (20 hour distance). His mom was fighting breast cancer, but things looked good. We had plans for me to live with his family over the summer. Literally the week he had planned to surprise me at college and propose to me, his mom took a violent and unexpected turn for the worse. Six days later, she passed. One of the last things she told him was to absolutely not postpone proposing to me.
I was able to travel in the middle of the semester up for the funeral by some miracle, and my bf proposed to me in the middle of a snowstorm in the bus terminal the second I stepped off the bus in New York. We literally got ready and went straight to her funeral from there.
We got married five months later. Even though my DH's mom was not there for the engagement or the wedding, those are precious memories that we hold in honor of her. It still breaks my DH's heart a little bit that she missed it, but our first dance was chosen in honor of her (we danced to "The Rainbow Connection", which was DH's parents' 'our song').
Whatever you decide, let every moment be precious, and not fraught with worry and "fitting everything in".
I'm so sorry your FMIL is so sick! She is incredibly lucky to have the love and support of you and your fiance. I agree with PP that a smaller, intimate ceremony with parents/siblings only would be a good idea, as long as MIL is comfortable with that. I'm sure you two can find a way to express how much you want her to witness your marriage. You could have it at her home if she's not up to going somewhere.
Then, with her blessing, continue planning the event you're already planning. And include her in any way you can. Ask what she thinks about different aspects you are planning. Show her your centerpieces, maybe she has suggestions, ideas, etc. I'm sure she would appreciate being involved in making your day perfect - knowing what the venue will look like, what you'll be wearing when nobody else but you would know, help choose the readings/prayers/songs/music that will be part of your ceremony. If she has a lot of influence and/or participation into the wedding as you are planning it, I think she will feel that she is a big part of your wedding day. If she is no longer with you when your wedding day comes, then you will feel her presence in all the details she had a part in. You and your husband will see her touches in all those details, you will see here there and she will be with you both on your wedding day.
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