GP Moms
alexisanna44
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Let's be real for a minute
in GP Moms
I'd really like some veteran moms to chime in here. How did your marriage survive your kid's first year? Sometimes DH and I are great and work well together and some days I just want to nut punch him. Between lack of sleep, hormones, and H working more than I'd like him to, we don't get a lot of relaxing happy down time. So, for those of us whose post-baby lives aren't all glittery unicorns farting rainbows all the time, what did you do to make sure your marriage survived?
Also, examples of DH moments that made you want to hurt him just a little (or maybe a lot) may be fun to add.
Re: Let's be real for a minute
Well we haven't made it through the first year yet haha but we started therapy about 3 months after Ava Nichol was born. We go like once a month now but we were going every other week. It is nice just to have that time to work on and focus on us. Now we have figured out how to have that time even without therapy but we still like to have the neutral person every now and then.
I think it is important to be able to find that time to focus on the relationship. I don't just mean having a date night but actually working through personal and intimate matters. Communication is HUGE!
Our Little Raspberry-Born 3/27/12
We Said I Do 09/06/09
I almost wrote this same post earlier. He is a wonderful father, but definetely lacking in the husband department recently. He is convinced that helping me with her shows his love for me, but I could use a compliment every once in a while, some affection every now and a again, and maybe a little interest in helping me get more comfortable with the idea of sex.
He says he wants sex, but is more apprehensive about my parts than me. I told him I will need a lot of foreplay, but he is sleeved out by the idea that I might be different than before. It's not like I expect oral (he doesn't do that, well ever), but a little help to get me ready would be nice.
After 31 cycles and two losses, we've been blessed with a healthy baby girl!
Congrats to both of my amazing TTC Buddies, tdmd09 and sb2006!!
Life of Amberley
Well, our sex life has been rather minimal since I got pregnant (though it is getting marginally better--I can currently at least remember the last time). So, that needs work. But in other aspects, we've done surprisingly well. DH has actually gotten better at helping around the house/sharing responsibilities than pre-E. Also, he plans date nights at least once a month where we go out to dinner or to a movie. The fact that he plans them is huge, because if I had to it wouldn't happen since it is just one more thing to do (that sound terrible, but it's true. I love these nights but definitely don't have the time or energy to make them happen).
ETA: obviously we haven't made it through the first year. And there are still plenty of times I want to punch him--like this morning when I woke him repeatedly over half an hour to get in the shower and he decided to wait until 5 minutes before I had to hand E off to him and leave for work then was annoyed that I was ready to leave when he still needed to find underwear...um, your own damn fault for ignoring me, I have to get to work...
BFP 5/2/11, missed m/c, D&C 6/13/11
BFP 12/8/11--Little Girl E Born 8/22/12
It sounds lame, but we have a routine, and it allows us to have time together almost every day. We like to be able to spend a little time, just us, talking and connecting.
I get annoyed that I can go around the house and see where he's been because he's left the lights on. He was never like this before DS.
Anyway, we have shifts of who gets up with DS ON, and we each get one off night weekly. In the mornings, one person washes bottles, does some dishes, mixes formula and packs lunches while the other works out. In the evenings, I make dinner and he usually puts DS down since he gets home after I do. Then we hang out & watch tv, etc. This works for us, and it was some trial and error.
HTH!
5 cats. 1 baby.
You made some good points! Our routine is the only thing that keeps us sane. It also took trial and error and it does get better with time. Honestly, when we both started getting more sleep things got so much better. Never underestimate the power of sleep on your sanity.
Our Little Raspberry-Born 3/27/12
We Said I Do 09/06/09
I don't think there are many veteran moms left on the board.
We've almost made it through the first year! One more week to go! Trust me, when M was a newborn I wasn't sure DH was going to survive. He had no clue what to do with a baby! He would get frustrated with her which would make me frustrated with him. He's gotten so much better as M has gotten older and can play and interact with him. We've been really good about having one on one time once a week. We're also very lucky that my mom and my sister offer to watch M so DH and I can get out for a few hours. We just keep reminding ourselves that she's only young for such a short time and that we can make it through this. We have the rest of our lives to be married, but M will only be little for a few years.
Example of things that make me want to nut punch him- When he wakes up in the morning and says that M slept well overnight. Nope, I spent (insert number of hours here) on the couch with her while you snored in the bedroom.
Far from perfect here. We definitely haven't taken the time for us to nurture our marriage. With our work schedules not lining up all the time, and Lily being a night owl, we don't get evening time alone together until we're collapsing into bed exhausted. We have 1 day together per week (Sundays) so we spend it all together.
I'm not going to lie, I get incredibly jealous that DH gets 3 full days home per week with L. I am so miserable in my job. I also feel like I just don't have the patience I hoped I would have. I find myself constantly apologizing for snapping at him. I feel like I've turned into a *** with him, taking my work frustrations out on him. It's not fair and I hate myself for it.
He really does try, but yesterday, it was his day off and he had slept on the couch so he wouldn't wake me up with his coughing (we're all sick) and he forgot his phone/alarm. We were supposed to bring L for a follow up to the pedi and he just slept until I was up and showered and trying to get out the door, so I ended up taking L to the pedi and took a sick day from work, but it was a major fail on his part to not get his ass up and ready in the morning. We both felt like crap, but I keep telling him that we can't just lie on the couch all day now, even if we feel like crap. L is our first responsibility, and I've been pushing the limit on taking days off at work to take care of her being sick.
Also, he can't multitask to save his life, and he gets absorbed in his own stuff sometimes when he should be taking care of Lily more urgently. Like, that last bite of your sandwich is really not more important than picking up your screaming daughter. Neither is reaching a save point in your video game. And don't sigh when you have to pause your show because she pooped herself and is crying. Nut up and do your job.
my blog
We almost didn't survive. Well the first 2 years of Sierra's life were hard and we fought all the time. Dh went out drinking with his buddies 4 times a week till 2 or 3 am. Spent a ton of money and didn't help with anything baby related or home related.
We split up for 15 months or so and finally got back together after a lot of work. It made me stronger as a person but I don't wish that hell on anyone.
After Linden was born he was the best father/husband ever! Just needed to grow up I guess. I am so glad we made it. Even though it took almost losing his family to realize it.
I am not sure if I would be considered a veteran Mum or not but I thought I would chime in!
I am huge advocate for our routine! Because it is an unspoken way to know what the other is supposed to be doing. DH does the night routine because he works all day and honestly he has a ton more patience when it comes to the bedtime boundaries being pushes. That is just my weakness. Sure we do have our snippy moments where both kids are cryin and we are yelling over the kids to communicate how to proceed next but they are rare and last the blink of an eye. If they happen we acknowledge them and see what we can do better. We also have an ongoing discussion of what parenting approaches we are trying, with Hudson mostly!
While physically we still haven't done it (because I am petrified of the postpartum sex, ha!) emotionally I do feel connected. DH is a very hands on dad though and we would be lost without our routine!
Honestly, we struggled for most of the first year. There were times when both of us were unsure whether we would ultimately work out. We are doing a lot better now and the vibe is mostly what it used to be. I really hate admitting this but the big turning point was weaning. DH was never 100% confortable with BFing to start with, and I personally didn't realize how emotional nursing made me until the last month or so, as my hormones have leveled out again (my ticker is not accurate. P is 14 months now). When baby started flirting with dropping the final wakeup was another turning point. DH became so much happier with parenting as we reached the light at the end of the infancy tunnel.
Will know the above influence my desire to nurse the next baby? No. But I'm going to try and be more understanding about why the first year is so tough on a marriage. And it's also made me seriously rethink having three like I always wanted. I think our marriage can handle a second but a third would be a lot of strain.
We're a lot like shazzie's situation. We know its lack of communication but struggle to force ourselves to find the time. I made him the other day, while jack slept on the couch and the Super Bowl was coming on. Things came to a head, yet again. I'm hoping it was finally a convo that will help, but we will see. He's so wonderful with J. I can only chalk it up to just a difference in instincts and such. We've definitely been in a bad bad place and I hate it. It's the first time in 5 years I've actually worried about our relationship surviving. We really need a date night but have no family here, we were just there to see them and I don't want to call any of them down to watch the baby again. We don't really have any friends that DH feels comfortable leaving J with (we only know a couple people and he hasn't met my two friends so he's not going to just leave them with our baby-which is understandable). And with us being on one income I'm not liking hiring someone from care.com, nor do I trust them just from the looks of them. So, we will wait. We stay up Friday nights to watch blue bloods, which helps. I'm making an effort to put my phone aside and the computer so that I am not distracted when we do have a few minutes.
Its hard yo. Very hard. It's nice to know that not everyone is all puppies and rainbows when they have a baby. I was starting to feel like crap about it.
This is us, too. We have friends close by who have volunteered to watch L, but for some reason, it just doesn't sit right with me. I'm not sure if and when it will. We usually go to dinner and a movie when we go home for family visits.
my blog
We're not through the first year yet, but we are definitely having our problems. I'm honestly thinking that pure stubbornness is what's keeping us together right now. Having open and honest communication is the tactic I'm trying right now.
~~Warning!!!!! I'm going to b*tch and rant and rave and it won't be pretty at all~~
Moments where I wanted to rip DH's balls off:
He refused to empty the litter box while I was pregnant.
When he told me I should just go back to work at 6 weeks PP and is not sympathetic at all to the fact that having to be a working mom is tearing me apart.
When he decided that spending time with us in the hospital was less important than going off to do his own thing.
When he made me resort to using manipulation, tears, begging, and hysterical crying in order to put off giving her solid foods until she turns six months old.
When he basically threatened to cheat on me since I'm not putting out enough.
My husband is awesome, no?
BFP Chart
B Born 6.27.13
Oh grey...I'm so sorry. *big hugs*. I want to junk punch him for being such a douchecanoe.
my blog
I think there are a bunch of us who would join Shazzie in this. (((huge hugs)))
Team Green to Team Pink! Baby A born
Here comes 2u2! Team Green to Team Blue! Baby L born
After 31 cycles and two losses, we've been blessed with a healthy baby girl!
Congrats to both of my amazing TTC Buddies, tdmd09 and sb2006!!
Life of Amberley
BFP Chart
Ugh, I bet! Did he act at all like this before?
Oh my poor Grey I am so sorry love! That sounds like a rough rough time..
To be real...yes..there were times when I was close to punching DH in the face. Call it mood swings, hormones...whatever. There were times when I swear the minute she would cry he would just bring her to me and I would go absolutely %$^$%^$@$#@(* at him for not even trying. It was really reallly tough that newborn phase. Sure...there is that small bonding phase in the hospital. But once you get home and when it reallly starts...I don't know how we got through it. I also just recently went home for some time apart to be with my family and I think that really helped.
Hang in there hun. ALWAYS communicate. I told him constantly I was going to punch him in his face, that I did not want to have sex with him (SHOCKER, I know) and how I could be a single mom all by myself. I have to say he has improved so much and I feel like we are finally on a great schedule. But I am also a waaaaaaaaaaaaay relaxed mom now than what I was when we first started out.
My GP TTC Bestie With No Testes - lechw2
TTC Buddies with - C-N-R & Jeep Doll!
Got my GL Charm TTC Buddy - TheDeaton's
Supporting my IF Buddy - MABride808
I found my Sistertwin Shazzie116!! Congrats on your BFP sister!!!
Congrats to my former buddy Califorever81!!
TTC Since Jan. '10. D/x: Unexplained IF Jan. '11.D/x Stage 4 Endo.
IUI#1 with Clomid = BFP! Live ectopic pregnancy found 1/31. Goodbye angel I love you always!
STILL Moving forward with international adoption.