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Is there a time to suggest divorce to a friend? Sort of long.
I'm always torn between saying something and minding my own business, but this situation is messed up, and my DH and I are trying to figure out what to do.
The husband in this situation is DH's longtime very good friend. I would say best friend, they are very close. I have become good friends with him as well. He is a great guy. His wife...well..she's not.
She treats him terribly. She is verbally, emotionally, and we recently learned physically abusive. She has shoved him on quite a few occasions. Very controlling also. As an example, she will scream at him for hours if he didn't do the breakfast dishes before he leaves for work. (Including hers by the way. She also works.) She has "joked" about going ahead and getting pregnant without his agreement by throwing out her pills. ( There are no kids yet, thank goodness, but she wants five)
He is unhappy almost all of the time. He has asked my husband for advice many times. My husband assures him that it is NOT normal, told him he should get counseling, etc. That was before we found out about the shoving.
If he tries to talk to her about his feelings, she screams. He brought up counseling, she told him he needed to go alone because he was a crappy husband.
My husband really wants to tell him he thinks it's time for a divorce. That the wife is abusive and life is way too short to be unhappy. He struggles because its obviously a personal decision. But he also feels a responsibility to say something.
So if you made it this far, what would you do? I guess I come from a place of, if my friend was a girl and being shoved by her husband and verbally abused, no question I would say leave him. Why should it be different because its a man being abused by a woman?
Re: Is there a time to suggest divorce to a friend? Sort of long.
There should be no difference between a man being physically abused and a woman. Period.
It sounds like your husband has already suggested courses of action that his friend isn't following through on. I think being more blunt and saying you're concerned for his safety and what would happen if they had kids is a good thing. But if he still doesn't follow through on any action he likes the relationship. He likes the intensity/drama/bullsh*t/whatever and he's choosing to stay.
So, I'd say, speak up loudly and clearly once, then drop it unless it escalates more.
Yes I would advise my friend to divorce in that instance. I would do it lovingly and I would give them information of signs of someone with an abusive personality and let them know I was there for support.
However, I would also be prepared for the friendship to possibly end if the friend decides not to divorce and tell his wife what I said.
Yes, I would absolutely advise someone to get divorced under these circumstances, and offer whatever support that I could in helping him do it. If he weren't open to divorce at this point, I would strongly encourage him to go to individual counseling so he could maybe get there eventually.
As stw said, you do also have to be prepared for it to backfire on you. If it does, make sure to let him know that you will be there for him if he ever decides he wants to get out.
Thanks ladies. I really don't think he will be angry at DH for the suggestion, but I do worry he won't do anything. His biggest issue is that he is very passive. I also worry that he won't be taken seriously if things do escalate. Neither of us truly knew how bad it was until recently. He is adament about no kids while their relationship is like this, so he at least has some sense.
What would he do if she got pregnant ?
You know, he might not listen to you right away, but I know you will give him something to think about. PErhaps with time, he will have the courage to leave.
I was in a similar situation. I showed my friend a list of signs of someone with an abusive personality. She even admitted that her boyfriend qualified for several of them on the list. She didn't leave right away, it took several months, but eventually it did happen.
I would not suggest divorce. I have in the past when I had a friend was being abused, and I think she just stopped listening to me after I said that because it seemed too extreme to her. I think it is normally more useful to suggest a separation and hope that some distance allows the victim to see the situation for what it is. I think your first priority should be to get your friend to a safe place. He needs to decide for himself that the marriage can't be saved, and that takes time.
I was on the abuse end of an abusive relationship. I think tough love is needed.
My friends told me to do something about it, or stop talking about it.
But they were there for me when I broke it off. They also were VERY supportive and protective after the break-up. I will always be grateful to them..
That sounds like a good start.
I understand why you're concerned about his passivity. That's probably one of the reasons she chose him in the first place- she saw someone who would be easy to manipulate, and I bet she's worked deliberately to tear him down even further ever since then. You're absolutely right that it doesn't matter that she hasn't really hurt him so far- it's all meant to inflict psychological damage, and it sounds like it's worked.
I'm sure you know that it's really hard for someone to leave an abusive partner, for a number of reasons. Most people have to leave many times before getting out permanently, if they ever get that far. It can be really difficult to watch an abused person keep falling off the wagon, so to speak, but just keep being supportive and letting him know that you're there for support anytime he wants to leave.
Sadly, the stats for abusive relationships show that the person being abused (male or female) often chooses to stay.
If he does nothing - there isn't anything you can do.
HE is okay with no kids - but she said she'd toss her BC. He either needs to avoid sex, insist on a condom, or pretend to climax (and deal with a small risk of getting her pregnant from pre-ejaculation).