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MIL Worries
My MIL has some very extensive health and mental health issues. She isn't very old but has been on some form of assistance for as long as I've known her. My FIL passed away when H was in high school so his mom was left with three teenagers who basically had to grow up fast in order to take care of themselves and in turn her as well. Most of the caregiving falls on my H's sister she is in the medical field so she knows what she is doing. However she has her own family with two young children and a husband so I know taking care of her mother can be a challenge. MIL lives on her own in a senior living building and has government health insurance. She doesn't drive and is usually in the hospital monthly due to some sort of illness or mental health break down.
I guess I am unsure on how I can help MIL especailly with her mental health issues, she suffers from depression and is often in the hospital/psych unit due to sucidal tendencies. I call her and visit her as often as I can and have husband as well. We both work jobs that require lots of travel so we are gone every month for a least a weeks period of time. Last night she called me because she was in the ER and needed a ride and was told by the doctor she should try not being too alone and see if she could stay somewhere so she stayed with me, H is out of town currently. I told her I was glad she called and to not hesitate to call and that I was glad I could help.
My H also has a brother but he and his family don't associate with MIL much they only come to family functions if H and I ask them to or maybe SIL. They basically avoid MIL and BIL rarely cares about what is going on with MIL. So they won't be any help in trying to take care of MIL.
SIL, H and I have discussed having MIL move into more of a supervised living arragement as her health worsens. SIL does so much for MIL but H and I notice that she does get burnt out and will sometimes shut MIL out when she's had enough.
I have never had to deal with this type of situation before. I've been with H long enough to know that his MIL needed a lot of attention but we were in and out of town so much with college and starting our new careers that we haven't had to deal with it until these last two years since we moved back.
Any advice? Sorry for the long rambling!
Re: MIL Worries
I'm sorry your family is going through this- it's a difficult situation for everyone. I think your idea to move her to a place with more intensive care is a good one. Until that happens, you might want to check with a respite care program to see if she qualifies and if her insurance will cover it. Since her caretakers don't live with her right now, I'm not sure if she'd be eligible but it's worth looking into.
You might also want to look into programs through your local health department- I know in my state there are a lot of resources available at the county level that many people just don't know about.
This is tough. You seem to be doing what you can, though.
Is there any way BIL, who isn't involved physically, could help monetarily?
Also, I know many people, often incorrectly assume their help isn't needed, wanted or appreciated.
Is it possible BIL isn't involved because SIL always "does it herself" and sort of plays the "oh I'll just do it" card?
Maybe he would be more involved if he thought his help were needed, desired and asked for?
Thank you for those suggestions. I will have to do more research. I was also thinking of calling some sort of hotline to maybe speak with someone who is more familiar with this.
BIL and his family are just now starting to make some money they were basically scraping by for the last year so I doubt he would help in that way. BIL has been a family problem for the last couple of years, he recently got married and had a baby and basically since then he has treated us all horribly and only interacts with his wife's family. Things are starting to come around more now but they are still pretty hurtful, they ignore MIL's phone calls and never let her see the baby. None of us really do, well SIL tries to be in more contact, H and I were so frustrated that we don't really interact with them much only on holidays or when we do things as a family other than that I didn't even know where they lived for a while. They are weird I'm trying to work on opening that line of communication up because we are the only ones that they seem to respond too. The family does ask him for help or just to spend time with him and his family and he rarely does. So I don't feel it's an issue of him viewing that he's not needed.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I would talk with a social worker at the hospital and start looking into residential facilities. It's great that you and SIL are so involved in helping out, but it would probably be better for all of you if you got her some professional help. MIL would get a higher level care, and it would prevent the rest of you from becoming burnt out as caregivers and resenting the BIL that isn't pitching in as much. It would also free you up to spend more quality time with her when you visit, rather than shuttling her to appointments, picking up meds, etc.
Thank you.That is a good resource as well that we could check into.
One thing I have to say my MIL is very capable to do her own things still. She gets to all her own appointments, makes sure she has her meds, feeds herself, takes care of her necessities, so we aren't doing that part for her much. The occasional ride and what not. My SIL is really there for her emotionally and mentally I would say, my MIL stays over at her house 2-3 days out of the week and helps with the grandkids and just visits so she's not alone. She has two cats as well so she is taking care of two pets on her own. Right now the phycial help she needs isn't too much but it can depend if she gets sick or hurt.
The thing that is taxing on my SIL is the emotioal help, she's the first one MIL calls for everything. MIL has some friends, but all her family live in other states, and she isn't too close with them. FIL and his family has all passed so we are pretty much all she has. That is why I try and make the effort to let her know that we are here for her and that she can call us. MIL and I are even doing Valentine's day together since H is out of town and plus it is her and FIL's anniversary so it's always a sad time for her, hence why she was down the other evening.