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Best Friends Vs. My marriage
So kinda a long story, but bear with me here. My two best friends had been dating each other for 6+ years when we asked them both to be in our wedding( he was going to be my bridesgroom, she my moh). Thrilled, they agreed. Everything was fine. 2 weeks before my wedding, they broke up. Since they were living together at the time, one of my friends showed up crying on my doorstep. Naturally, I invited her in, listened was supportive ect, as was my husband, as he had known her for 4+ years and was also close to her. We let her stay with us for a couple days, and then she went to stay at a hotel to get some along time. In the interim, my other friends was calling me/texting me demanding I tell him where she was. I told him that I was not comfortable giving him that information, and that is she needed to reach him, she had his number. I also let him know, that if he needed anything at all, that my H and I were here for him. We talked a couple of times, but he always ended up getting angry and hanging up on me. He texted me a week later and told me he would not be showing up at my wedding. He deleted his FB, changed his phone and moved out of their joint dwelling.
Fast forward several weeks. My H and I have no contact with him, as he is really not reachable. We spend lots of time with her, making sure she is okay. She seems to be.They eventually end up getting back together. He is now accusing me of being a horrible friend for not being supportive of their relationship. He is also accusing my H of attempting to poison her against him while she was in a "vulnerable emotional state". This is not true, I trust my H, and she came directly to me and told me that that is not what happened, and that she doesn't know why he is acting this way.
Several weeks later we get invited to her b-day party at a bar/club. We do'nt really want to go, because we know he will be there , and things will be tense, but we show up anyway, because hell, it's her birthday and we want to show that we do still care.(Even though she has been blowing us off, canceling plans and not returning phone calls.) We are there with her mom dad and some of her other friends for maybe a half hour, having a good time, when he shows up. He immdiately drags her off to the side and begins to speak angrily at her. Then he stalks off to the restrooms. She comes over to me and says" He wants you to leave. I don't know what to do." My H is looking pretty pissed, and I'm pissed too. I don't want to make demands( on her birthday of all days) so I say quietly that we will just go. She doesn't fight this, just hugs us goodbye. He comes out of the bathroom and glares at us from 3 tables away until we go.
I called her a week later and told her I did not know how I could continue to be friends with her if she would not stand up for me. I did not want to worry about him taking a swing at my H over something he read that is not there. I did not want to have to call and beg for a pre-scheduled amount of time that could change if he calls. I'm your best friend. Not someone you can pick up and drop when you want.
I knew that when she showed up on my doorstep, I was going to have to pick friend. Better then they did at the time. This has been really hard for both of us, as they were both very involved in our life. I want to have a relationship with them, but I'm really not sure that it's worth it anymore. I don't want this to affect my marriage negatively either. Advice?
Re: Best Friends Vs. My marriage
Friends or not, you and H should have lent an ear to each one and that was all. After that, it's their ball game and you and your H are not involved.
What you and your H did: bit off too much and now it's escalated into nothing but bad blood where you and he are the bad guys.
i don't think either one of them are worth it. Sorry for your troubles.
For the fact that you say " I knew that when she showed up on my doorstep, I was going to have to pick friend.", but at the start of all this, you supposedly told him that you and DH were there for him too.... I think mixed signals/actions were involved and I have a feeling he was probably REALLY hurt that you did "choose" her simply because she showed up at your doorstep first.
I would start there if you want to try and get back to a better place.
And I'm a little confused as to why this would affect your marriage...???
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes, what?
I'm not denying that we could have been more supportive to him, I just did not know how to be with her at my house, and him not responding to my phone calls. We tried to show up at their place twice while he was still living there, and he would not come to the door. I even mailed him a letter. I know he is hurt because he sent me an e-mail telling me that he was. I apologized in an e-mail back to him, and then he told me he was deleting his e-mail.
As far as affecting my marriage is concerned,I should explain. He has been spreading lies about me (cheating rumors ect) at work, which is annoying because I work in the same field as me MIL, and many of my H's friends. H asked me about them, and I deny them, but it makes me angry that I have to in the first place. He has been having problems for the last couple years ( borderline abusive to her, anger issues, stress) and I know that things are not quite right with him. I've talked to him about it, and he doesn't think he has a problem. Now don' t get me wrong here, I'm not the perfect person, and clearly I failed to be a good friend, since this is where we are at. I wish both of them happiness and whatnot, but I want him to stop. It's not that I don't want to get back to a better place, I have no idea how to.
Um.... o.k. With that update - I'd be writing this guy off. Seriously? He's spreading rumors about you? At first I was thinking he was just really hurt and was reacting out of that.
But yeah, you even say he has anger issues, etc. He sounds like an immature a$$hole and while I know you don't want to lose your BFF, it's kind of clear to me that she's made her choice. HIm over you.
I'd stop focusing on trying to get back in his good graces and focus on trying to figure out if she's actually really o.k. and why she's with him. His anger towards you all may be step 1 in trying to get her to start ending friendships - i.e. isolating her. You say he's borderline abusive? Well - abusers often isolate their SO.
This might be more serious than you're realizing.
And as far as he goes w/ spreading rumors - if it's affecting you/your job, you may have some legal ground to try and stop him, or at least report him to HR (are you actually with the same company, though, or just in the same field?).
At a minimum, you and your DH need to be a united front to these rumors and when told about them, you both need to just keep your cool and say to the person "We know who is starting these rumors and they are entirely false. We ask that you please not participate in spreading them.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
1. Like ECB said, if you work for the same company, report him to HR immediately. This nonsense needs to stop now or it could effect your future.
2. Write him off, he is not a friend or a good person and yes he is exhibiting several signs of a person with an abusive personality. I bet there are more.
http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/help/signs-of-an-abusive-personality
3. Have a heart to heart with her. Let her know that you if she ever decides to leave him again, you will be there to support her.
All of this, I would bet there is abuse in this relationship.
He sounds Toxic.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown