Step kids. Help!

TeamRip3 · February 2013

I'm getting married in a few months to a fiance who already has a child. Any advice on how to make it through the babymama drama?

TarponMonoxide · February 2013

Some more details about the kids' mother, and the relationship she has with your FI, would help us a lot.

I don't know what's at stake here: is she interfering? Is she using the kids as pawns? Is she threatening to not permit the kids to be in the wedding? Is she threatening to make a scene? What's the story?

Whatever the backstory is:

Your soon to be H needs to sit her down and tell her to act like an adult.

That's the bottom line.

If he won't do this, bad news.

Ilumine · February 2013

First and foremost - drop the "babymama" crap. It is demeaning to the mother of your soon to be stepchild and makes you sound ignorant. (and no, I am not a babymama, I am a stepmother)

Second, if there IS any drama 1/2 of that drama lies solely at the feet of your FI. No matter how "crazy" the BM is, no matter how "mother centric" the courts are, how the NCP acts and reacts has a direct affect on the situation (remember, HE MADE a child with this woman, so at one time HE had to find some redeaming quality - right?)

Third, get some pre-marital counseling that focuses on blending families and work out YOUR (that would be a both YOU and FI) expectations of how this family is going to work. Address:

Expectations of the Child - from behavior, household chores, bedtimes, homework, etc
Concrete punishments and consequences (these are different) for not reaching the expectations. Not going to lie, having WRITTEN LIST of expectations and the corresponding punishments makes life 100% easier. There is not way anyone (child, DH or you) can make a mistake.
Figure out what YOUR expectations are. Will you take on the role of a parent or will you just be support staff. Make sure that you are clear about what YOU are willing to do. If you do not want to do the heavy parenting be sure that you let your FI know before you marry. That means, if you do not want to be home and watch the SC when DH is working, you need to let him know.
Be sure that you are allowed to punish. I almost divorced my DH becuase I was not allowed to punish SS even though he had broke an already agreed upon expectation. Sorry - if I am legally obligated when the kid is in my house, he follows my rules and my punishments.
Figure out what your expectations of FI are as a parent. If you want him to do the heavy lifting, he needs to know this and make the decision if that is what he is expecting too. I know too many SMs who marry a guy who literally dumps the kids on her to babysit while he goes on with his day. And in most of those cases, the BF wont let the SM enforce rules.

Step-parenting is not for the weak.

TarponMonoxide · February 2013

TeamRip3:
I'm getting married in a few months to a fiance who already has a child. Any advice on how to make it through the babymama drama?

Ilumine is right --- babymama just plain sucks and refer to her in her right status. She's either his exwife or his ex girlfriend.

And calling her a "babymama" won't make the situation any better.

If what's happening is a major issue, I suggest you not marry him until whatever issue that's happening is resolved; that's right: put the wedding on hold --- and yep, counseling is a must. For you, for him, for the both of you --- and remember you're about to become part of a blended family.

Find a blended family support group near you and the both of you join it. You'll need the resource.

HisChamaoleGirl · February 2013

Ilumine:
First and foremost - drop the "babymama" crap. It is demeaning to the mother of your soon to be stepchild and makes you sound ignorant. (and no, I am not a babymama, I am a stepmother)
Second, if there IS any drama 1/2 of that drama lies solely at the feet of your FI. No matter how "crazy" the BM is, no matter how "mother centric" the courts are, how the NCP acts and reacts has a direct affect on the situation (remember, HE MADE a child with this woman, so at one time HE had to find some redeaming quality - right?)
Third, get some pre-marital counseling that focuses on blending families and work out YOUR (that would be a both YOU and FI) expectations of how this family is going to work. Address:
Expectations of the Child - from behavior, household chores, bedtimes, homework, etc
Concrete punishments and consequences (these are different) for not reaching the expectations. Not going to lie, having WRITTEN LIST of expectations and the corresponding punishments makes life 100% easier. There is not way anyone (child, DH or you) can make a mistake.
Figure out what YOUR expectations are. Will you take on the role of a parent or will you just be support staff. Make sure that you are clear about what YOU are willing to do. If you do not want to do the heavy parenting be sure that you let your FI know before you marry. That means, if you do not want to be home and watch the SC when DH is working, you need to let him know.
Be sure that you are allowed to punish. I almost divorced my DH becuase I was not allowed to punish SS even though he had broke an already agreed upon expectation. Sorry - if I am legally obligated when the kid is in my house, he follows my rules and my punishments.
Figure out what your expectations of FI are as a parent. If you want him to do the heavy lifting, he needs to know this and make the decision if that is what he is expecting too. I know too many SMs who marry a guy who literally dumps the kids on her to babysit while he goes on with his day. And in most of those cases, the BF wont let the SM enforce rules.
Step-parenting is not for the weak.

Great post Ilumine! OP for more great advice be sure to check out the Blended Families board on thebump.

jnjmommy0609 · February 2013

Ilumine:
First and foremost - drop the "babymama" crap. It is demeaning to the mother of your soon to be stepchild and makes you sound ignorant. (and no, I am not a babymama, I am a stepmother)
Second, if there IS any drama 1/2 of that drama lies solely at the feet of your FI. No matter how "crazy" the BM is, no matter how "mother centric" the courts are, how the NCP acts and reacts has a direct affect on the situation (remember, HE MADE a child with this woman, so at one time HE had to find some redeaming quality - right?)
Third, get some pre-marital counseling that focuses on blending families and work out YOUR (that would be a both YOU and FI) expectations of how this family is going to work. Address:
Expectations of the Child - from behavior, household chores, bedtimes, homework, etc
Concrete punishments and consequences (these are different) for not reaching the expectations. Not going to lie, having WRITTEN LIST of expectations and the corresponding punishments makes life 100% easier. There is not way anyone (child, DH or you) can make a mistake.
Figure out what YOUR expectations are. Will you take on the role of a parent or will you just be support staff. Make sure that you are clear about what YOU are willing to do. If you do not want to do the heavy parenting be sure that you let your FI know before you marry. That means, if you do not want to be home and watch the SC when DH is working, you need to let him know.
Be sure that you are allowed to punish. I almost divorced my DH becuase I was not allowed to punish SS even though he had broke an already agreed upon expectation. Sorry - if I am legally obligated when the kid is in my house, he follows my rules and my punishments.
Figure out what your expectations of FI are as a parent. If you want him to do the heavy lifting, he needs to know this and make the decision if that is what he is expecting too. I know too many SMs who marry a guy who literally dumps the kids on her to babysit while he goes on with his day. And in most of those cases, the BF wont let the SM enforce rules.
Step-parenting is not for the weak.

This. THANK YOU. I am not a babymama. I am a mom. Birth mom that is...so I know that it can be offensive. I don't think you will get better advice then what Ilumine just gave you. Though I want to add is do your best to get along with the mom for the sake of the child. Even if she is a b*tch. Don't let her walk all over you but don't try and retaliate either.

ReturnOfKuus · February 2013

IS there drama, or are you expecting there to be drama just because there is a child and mother who isn't you?

If it's the latter, grow up. If it's the former, then I'd advise you to find a guy with less baggage.

-auntie- · February 2013

*HiS ChAmAoLe GiRL*:
Ilumine:

First and foremost - drop the "babymama" crap. It is demeaning to the mother of your soon to be stepchild and makes you sound ignorant. (and no, I am not a babymama, I am a stepmother)

Second, if there IS any drama 1/2 of that drama lies solely at the feet of your FI. No matter how "crazy" the BM is, no matter how "mother centric" the courts are, how the NCP acts and reacts has a direct affect on the situation (remember, HE MADE a child with this woman, so at one time HE had to find some redeaming quality - right?)

Third, get some pre-marital counseling that focuses on blending families and work out YOUR (that would be a both YOU and FI) expectations of how this family is going to work. Address:

Expectations of the Child - from behavior, household chores, bedtimes, homework, etc

Concrete punishments and consequences (these are different) for not reaching the expectations. Not going to lie, having WRITTEN LIST of expectations and the corresponding punishments makes life 100% easier. There is not way anyone (child, DH or you) can make a mistake.

Figure out what YOUR expectations are. Will you take on the role of a parent or will you just be support staff. Make sure that you are clear about what YOU are willing to do. If you do not want to do the heavy parenting be sure that you let your FI know before you marry. That means, if you do not want to be home and watch the SC when DH is working, you need to let him know.

Be sure that you are allowed to punish. I almost divorced my DH becuase I was not allowed to punish SS even though he had broke an already agreed upon expectation. Sorry - if I am legally obligated when the kid is in my house, he follows my rules and my punishments.

Figure out what your expectations of FI are as a parent. If you want him to do the heavy lifting, he needs to know this and make the decision if that is what he is expecting too. I know too many SMs who marry a guy who literally dumps the kids on her to babysit while he goes on with his day. And in most of those cases, the BF wont let the SM enforce rules.
Step-parenting is not for the weak.

Great post Ilumine! OP for more great advice be sure to check out the Blended Families board on thebump.

+1 Excellent post

awesomenus1341 · February 2013

I agree with Illumine's post. Also, what is the story here? You do know the kids right? You have met BM? She knows you are getting married and soon to be SM? I am just curious because of the way you asked the question, the drama doesn't usually start as soon as you say "I do," typically you have an idea of what you are getting yourself into before taking that leap.

Missing Perspective · February 2013

Dump your fiance and you will not have to make through the babymama drama

Step kids. Help!

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