Relationships
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Moving in together
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years and have decided to get an apartment. We were looking at a couple apartment complexes online to familiarize ourselves with prices and how much we could get for our budget. I want to get a two bedroom place while he is convinced the only reasonable thing to do is to get a one bedroom apartment because we'll be saving money. He's also having me consider a studio, which would just be too small. The reason I want a 2 bedroom apartment is because I want to have my own room and my own space. He thinks I'm crazy. Am I crazy? We're not married and though we share a bed I don't actually want to literally share a bed, just yet. I feel that he just wants to save money wherever he can, which is fine, I love budgets and coupons and saving money, but this is a big deal to me and I don't want him to brush it aside. Please, any advice?
Re: Moving in together
2 bedroom apartments are great for many reasons: you can use the extra room as a bedroom for guests, a computer room, for hobbies or whatever it is you have a true need for.
Quarters are also a lot less cramped when you have 2 bedrooms instead of one.
Your issue: you don't yet want to share a bed with him? WHy is that?
I am wondering if this is an intimacy issue you've got with him. Maybe it merits looking into with a counselor.
Don't move in with him until you get your stumbling block rectified. GL.
Maybe you have deep morals yourself or you're spiritual or religious and that's how wanting your own room is manifesting.
Or maybe you don't like the idea of having to share covers, a bed or putting up with what happens after dark when thee's no sex.:)
For you to rectify with a counselor.
The whole thing is about intimacy, really. There are couples who sleep apart for other reasons: he or she snores, one is a very active sleeper (he steals the covers, legs fly, he's all over the bed at night when he's sound asleep) I don't like couples sleeping apart due to those reason, either -- again, intimacy is disrupped.
I don't think you have to sleep side by side each night to avoid being labeled as having intimacy issues. I prefer DH with me, but is your FI is cool with it, I don't see the big deal. Get the 2nd room, otherwise, it won't work for you.
Does he understand that you want your own bedroom? Whatever sized apartment you get, he probably assumes that you will share a bed once you live together, and it's not something that's going to make a good surprise after you've signed the lease.
If you aren't ready to live that closely yet, that's fine. Stick to your guns. If he wants to save money, he can continue to have a roommate and live separately from you. Moving in together should not be about money, it should be about doing what is right for your relationship. And if you aren't ready to live that closely, you aren't, and he should respect that.
Thank you Jaime for the great laugh!
I think it may be stemmed from growing up in a religious household with strong morals. Though I am not an "active Christian," these things are still ingrained in me. I don't have a problem sleeping with him and yes, he does know of my preference, though he does not agree and protests the idea by saying "we'll be in each other's bed every other night." Which is probably true. But the fact of the matter still remains, I want my own space.
I would at least get a 1 bedroom with a Den. You both will need your own space to go in to. I don't know how my ExH and I did it in 1 bedrooms for a few years!
My FI and I have a house and it is so nice to shut the door to the bedroom so he can rest and I can go in the other room and watch TV, cook, clean, or whatever without having to tip toe.
I would do my best at compromising but don't go for the studio IMO.
I think there are two slightly different issues at work here. One of them is, that having your own "space" within your home is important to you, and when you get to the point of living together you want him to understand that $x a month extra is worth it to you to have your own little spot to unwind. There are plenty of people who want that, and make sure to have a "man cave" or a hobby room or whatever that is essentially their alone spot in the house. That's worth a conversation- everybody has something they're willing to pay a little more for or aren't willing to budge on to save money.
The second is, based on your comment that you don't want to literally share a bed/ bedroom "just yet" and your follow-up about how you were raised, you don't sound 100% comfortable with the idea of moving in with your boyfriend. My impression is that you really, really like the idea of living with him but aren't entirely ready to take that step, but since you love him and are mostly sold on the idea, you don't want to put the brakes on your plans to move in and are looking for ways to feel more comfortable with the arrangement. If that's the case, there's nothing wrong with saying that you love him and love the idea of living with him someday, but you're not quite ready to take that step yet and you want to wait until you are.
Maybe you're not ready to move in together yet - which is fine. But moving in with him with the intention of having separate bedrooms seems a little like putting the cart before the horse. If you're doing it to save money, I see where you're coming from but it would also seem like the health of your relationship should be the priority.
I wouldn't move in with someone I wasn't ready to share a bed with yet; that's not fair to either of us.
I'm not one to usually comment but I can relate to you on this topic. I am currently making the same step with my fiance. We are moving into a two bedroom town home for the exact reason that we each can have our own space. We decided that in the begining we would have our space and if things change we can move into the same room and convert the other into something else. In our day and age we don't have "norms" anymore. There are a lot of different people in the world: traditional, conservative, out of the ordrinary, always trying new things, etc. Family and friends are entitled to their opinions but in the end its your life. You need to make decisions that are best for you and the one you love. Good luck
If you decide to get a 2 bedroom apartment, really know whether the expenses are worth it. Getting a 2 bedroom apartment is really expensive, and most likely, you two will have to pitch in together. I'm not quite sure how your money situation is, but if it's kinda tight, then I would suggest getting a one bedroom home. I know this sounds like a great idea for when you guys fight, but that's a rare occurrence.
With that said, there are a lot of one bedroom homes that can give you guys your "own space". My suggestion is getting a big apartment that allows movement and freedom. For example, our current apartment is pretty big. The living room, dining room and kitchen are kind of secluded by the way the design is made. We have two closets to ourselves and two sinks. It's a unit that's definitely built for two. Whenever we want our own space, one normally goes to the living room while the other shuts the door to the bedroom -- and as crazy as it sounds, it works.
But I do NOT suggest getting a studio!! You will definitely feel cramped and eventually get on each other's nerves.
Also, make sure you guys have a side agreement on what would happen if the two of you were to break up. I'm sure ya'll won't, but when you sign a lease agreement, most apartments will do the best in their power to not get cheapened out. Breaking leases will not only hurt your credit, but will also lose you tons of money -- if anything, might be more expensive than renting it for the remaining amount of time.
Some people who are responding to this post is making it seem like she has some other motive around it. Girl, I feel you. I am married and it's some nights that my hubby just snores and snores, until the point that I have to get out of my bed and sleep on the couch lol. This is what you need to do, get the 2 bedroom apartment and make the other one into a den, man cave or diva room. Put a cute little day bed in their and call it a day. Everyone needs their space. Good luck!