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Does anyone else not like hosting?
I swear, it's so much work and I feel nothing but exhaustion and guilt afterwards!
We had Wes's bday yesterday and I spent all weekend cleaning, shopping and cooking. Then everyone comes at once and I am trying to get drinks and coats and inevitably I'm missing something and I know at some point I'll hear about how I got my mother's wine before MIL's wine or something like that. Then my brother's kids are either tormenting someone or destroying something, and I try to ignore it but I just can't when it's my house so I feel bad after they leave b/c I've corrected them more than I care to. And DH always has some bone to pick with me when everyone leaves b/c I've snapped at him over the dishes, or I didn't rave enough about the cake his mom brought. In the meantime, I've barely seen my own kid whose birthday we're celebrating.
Am I the only person who feels this way? I don't know if it's remotely normal, if I'm too hard on myself or if I'm just a horrible hostess!
Re: Does anyone else not like hosting?
I totally feel the same way. I feel like part of what makes it so hard it that my kids are still very little. It's always hard getting the house ready/clean for a party because one of my kids always picks that day to be super needy. It never fails. And yes, I too have offended MIL for something I did or didn't do.
It is exhausting, physically and mentally. My neighbor is always hosting something and she has more kids than I do. She makes it look so easy. It always makes me feel like a shmuck for hardly even hosting anything other than my kids birthdays.
I think that when the kids are older and they are able to help, or at least stay out of my way while I get things ready it will be easier and less stressful.
In all if this, what did your DH do to help you? And why are you getting negative comments when something goes wrong, but no praise for all of the hard work you put in? Why are you getting coats and drinks alone? It sounds to me like lack of partnership is the issue. It sucks that you have to worry about snarky MIL comments and bad niece/nephew behavior, but those are also things that your DH can help with.
Hosting is stressful and exhausting. I did as little as possible yesterday after hosting on Saturday. But if my husband treated me like I was hosting alone, I would be pissed. Heather and Todd helped me with a few easy tasks, too - favor bags, decorations, wiping down tables.
I'm not saying I want to host every weekend, but it isn't so bad with support.
He did help with stuff, but I feel like the criticism still falls on me b/c I'm the woman and I'm supposed to be the natural hostess, you know? I think we're both just stressed by the time the party starts and it makes things worse.
I feel the same way, especially b/c I have divorced in-laws who are always quick to watch for slights. They don't actually tell me, they tell my BILs and SILs, then they share it with me, then they ask me not to say anything - so I just get to stew with their immaturity.The whole thing is reason enough for me never to want to host any type of function.
They made Gabriel's christening exceptionally uncomfortable. One set of inlaws has told me that they're not coming to Gabrie'ls birthday party b/c they don't want to deal with their former partner. Nice, right? Way to make your baggage everyone else's problem.
Casey, thankfully, is on my side and tends to point out their bad behavior more than I notice!
It's so stressful, Mandy. I'm sorry you had a rough time this weekend - Happy Birthday to your big boy, Wes!
Well, I would start by thinking of it as a party you are hosting with your husband and not as though everything is your fault. Seriously, it is a 2nd birthday party, how much criticism can there be? There shouldn?t be much of any!
I totally get that there can be strain from ILs, but at some point you have to either decide whether the criticism matters to you. Does it really matter who gets their drink first? Or if the coats get piled on a chair instead of hung up? Or if every room in the house is fully dusted and vacuumed? Or if there is a pile of boxes in a room that people are unlikely to go in? Life is short and it is not worth it to get stressed out over a birthday party.
I?m not saying that this is always easy or that I?m perfect at it, but I realized that the most important thing to me was that the four of us enjoyed Heather?s party. I can?t be responsible for making everyone happy. Even when you are trying, some people are still going to be unhappy. You have to set your own priorities, do the things that are important to you and leave the rest.
Each time I felt myself start to get stressed or impatient on Saturday, I reminded myself to breathe. I looked at the task list, picked 2-3 things that could be done last or not at all if time was short, and focused on the things I could do. I chose not to flip out on DH when he brought home a box of sweets from the bakery. He thought he was doing something nice?even though we already had an ice cream cake and I was making 2 dozen candy covered strawberries. I made a last minute change to the craft we planned so I wouldn?t be scrambling to finish as people arrived. I straightened the things in the house to make myself happy and not because I thought the other adults would be judging me.
I?m sorry that hosting made you feel so crappy. I hope next time it will be better!
While I have a love/hate relationship with hosting, and DH and I both tend to snip at each other in the mad rush to pull things together, if he ever criticized me after WE hosted a party, for OUR son, in OUR home, I would be really hurt and angry. That's not okay for you to be criticized for something that he is equally capable and responsible for handling himself. I don't mean to come off as harsh, but as Amy said, partnership is key.
We host a lot, so we kind of have a system down (granted, it's a system of chaos). It is still stressful trying to pull everything together, we just make lots of lists, the work put into it is definitely 50/50 (not to say DH's way of doing things is always on par with mine, lol!), and I've learned to accept that not everything on my list gets done. Even though it can be stressful leading up to it, after whatever it is that we're hosting, we can always agree that we pulled off a fun time - so I might sometimes hate the process, the end result is always worth it.
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
Yes! DH always does this! Once I walked into our foyer to find him with a drill in his hand installing our "new" doorknocker. (new = we had for 2 years in a box) This was less than an hour before people were to arrive, and he had yet to shower.
that's something that Brian would do!!! I don't get it!?!?
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
Walt does this, too. He ALWAYS cleans our basement if we're having people over. Which is completely unhelpful because it's not finished. It's not a space people would go to hang out or anything. Meanwhile he could be doing things that would actually help me to get ready for guests in other parts of our house.
Pat does this too! Instead of working on party related things, he ended up making the adjustments to our car seats that I've been asking him to do for weeks!
I feel like you're all right that there are deeper rooted problems at the core of my distaste for hosting. Like MIL seems to always feel slighted, and these events just fuel that fire. Last week DH and I were fighting and I had to hear about how once (at an undisclosed time and location) I asked my mom and sister if they wanted something from a lemonade stand and not his mom, and he "could just see the hurt in her eyes." He even brought up the bagel battle of 2005 during this conversation. I mean how long will I be accountable for that? Nothing is ever let go, and the pressure just makes me bitter b/c I'm too stinking busy with my two kids to be so worried about such nonsense. And my own mom isn't totally innocent either. She gets offended about things too, and is overprotective when it comes to my brother b/c of his seperation.
Too much family togetherness, way too close to the holidays. I am glad we don't host Easter.
Do we have the same MIL???
Last year, we had Todd's party at the zoo. MIL, SIL and her husband drove over for it. They we over half an hour late and then they sat on the opposite side of the room from all of the other guests. They couldn't even be bothered to walk to "our side" of the room when Todd opened his presents. I was not going to miss time we my kids and their friends just because they chose to be anti-social (there was space to sit much closer.) I'm sure that makes me an awful DIL, but I don't play those games.
Rudy definitely has different priorities during party set-up. One time he was washing windows when there were still floors to be vacuumed. He also changed quite a few lightbulbs on Saturday. :-)
It just stinks b/c I truly do try to be a good DIL and I get no credit for the things I do well (which is DH's fault too, and honestly an issue that I have with him in general). I have never once objected to her joining us on a family outing -- from big ones like vacations to small trips to the mall. In fact, many times I'll suggest that DH calls his mom to see what she's up to on a Saturday just to make sure she's not lonely. I don't talk to her on the phone or anything, but I don't really talk to anyone anymore! Yet I always have to hear about everything I do wrong with her and how hard she tried to be close to me before I started to ignore her need for lemonade and whatnot. We've had only one actual fight ever, and everything else is just this underlying discontent.
Not to make this all about MIL. Frankly she was the least of my worries yesterday, but that fear of offending her is always a bit stressful.
I like it--but I don't take it so seriously either, and my family is really easy going and I don't have inlaws anymore.
When people come in, I direct them where to put their coats or DH will take them. Then I let them know where the drinks are and let them help themselves.
I want people to feel welcome enough that they'll help themselves to whatever they need. :-P
And DH is a big help around the house when it comes to parties and he makes sure I get some time to spend with the kids. He'll gladly make sure drinks are still stocked and that the chip bowls are full.