Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
crying tonight
Tonight I did something I should not have done. I went on my fiances facebook because he has been acting like something has been bothering him, and i found something that hurt me. His ex had messaged him trying to apologize for how she treated him, she had cancer and wanted to make her wrongs right, but i found out in the messages that he had gotten her pregnant when they were together and she had an abortion without him knowing she was doing it. He left her and awhile after him and my step son came home we got together. We recently had a son he is five months and we are TTC currently. Do I have the right to be hurt by this? I know it is private, but i feel like he should have told me this seeings how we want to spend the rest of our lives together. i am so confused.
Re: crying tonight
By that I mean were you a committed couple and not just casually dating? Did he do this before you both decided you'd see only each other exclusively?
He needs to explain to you what happened. (hoping you took a screen shot of these findings). Maybe all of this happened before you and he became a committed couple.
If this happened while you were a committed couple, show him the door; call off the wedding and end the relationship. Once a cheater always a cheater.
More friendly advice:
If it turns out that all of this happened before you were a committed couple, SLOW DOWN!!!!!
The 2 of you just had a child! and you're looking to conceive another???
Sounds like the 2 of you are in an awful big hurry -- you're proceeding with this relationship at lightining speed.
Slow down....waaaay down.
Don't TTC another kiddo until you are married at least a couple of years. Your marriage needs security, solidity and "legs." Celebrate a couple years of marriage, save your pennies and then TTC.
We were not dating, but he has a child from another woman who walked away. i am the only mother he knows and we have a 5 month old. We are also TTC. he knows everything about my past i just feel like he should have shared this with me. I also fear he is still in love with her. He only left because of what she did.
Okay you were not dating.
BUT....you still think he is in love with her.
Then be smart and call this wedding off until you get down to the bottom of this.
She'd have to speak for herself and tell you "no, this is way in the past and he and I are water under the bridge; I only contacted him to make things right and it's long over" but there are no chances of that happening at all...
And you also don't trust him.
Then I don't see any reason to continue seeing him. If you don't trust him now, you never will.
What makes this all the tougher is that you and he have a kiddo together. it's going to make this all the more difficult for you to end the relationship; if there was no child, you could say goodbye and leave and that would be the end.
What you need to do:
Decide what's right for you and your child. If this means saying goodbye, then do it. Make sure you see an attorney so you get child support.
It happens.
You'd be surprised how many men -- and women -- feel that way. THey have an abortion and they're done with it. No looking back and no thoughts at all.
And please don't use the vulgar and trashy term of "babymama." It's "the mother of his child" or "his child's mother".
Take my advice and think this entire situation over CAREFULLY.
If you cannot trust him, there is no sense of continuing the relationship. The mistrust you feel for him now will only grow and it will come to an explosive head some day in the future. I don't think you want something like that.
You also sound very very young; I am guessing 18 or 19 years of age. YOu'vew got a long way to go into your future if you want to get involved in something like this.
This is an awful lot on the plate of a guy who is about the same age as you are. He's already a father of a six year old and he's impregnated another girl -- and he has a 5 month old and you want him to bring another kiddo into the picture?
you're not even married to this guy.:(
How old was he when he fathered the 6 year old? I guess he never heard of a drugstore, a condom or retstraint!
That's a lot on somebody's plate and a lot of water already under a bridge.
I don't think he's a good bet for your future, or your child's future. I'd pull the plug on the entire relationship, say goodbye...
And then take a time-out from dating for a good long while: perhaps even a couple of years.
Concentrate on being a mother to the little one; thats' where your efforts should lie right now. Save marriage for another time when you've gotten at least 4 or 5 more years under your belt.
People have a past, everyone comes with a past. I think if you were a little older and more mature you might understand that better and better respect someone for who they are and what they've been through. That being said, I agree w/ Tarpon that this seems like a lot of baggage for someone who is 22.
I don't think people are required to tell you their past, especially if it is irrelevant to your relationship in the present. Sharing the past and experiences is a way to make a relationship closer, but not a requirement IMO.
This is some trashy crap. Really?!? You are crying about something in HIS past?!? You have already brought one child into this mess please wait until it is a little less messy before having another.
You are 21 and immature to the extreme. First, stay out of his FB. Second, if he wanted you to know anything about this he would have told you. Third, if you are asking if he still loves her or would cheat then stop having kids with him.
Also, using the term "Baby Momma" makes you sound trashy and uneducated to everyone. It's not an appropriate title to use, try "Bio Mom" and you won't sound like you just came out of the trailer park.
Regarding your main question, no, you are not entitled to know absolutely everything about your fiance just because you decided to spend the rest of your lives together. The fact that you felt compelled to snoop in his facebook shows that you don't trust him. Marrying someone you don't trust and trying to conceive a child with him, especially before you've actually gotten married, is a really terrible idea. Your fiance has already impregnated three different women at a very young age- rather than bringing more children into the world at this time, you both need to start using birth control.
Don't date men you think are in love with someone else, and for the love of Frederick, don't marry them.
It really is that simple.
....trust me you can get someone pregnant and never have feelings for them again. I have a son with an ex and there are NO feelings on either end.
To me honestly your coming off insecure. You checked his facebook to look for something. That screams insecurity and distrust.His past is his past...he has a right to share what he wants. If that is something in a relationship that you think is important then you need to re-evaluate this particular relationship. He has a right in this too.
Now you are not innocent in this either. What you are doing right now affects RIGHT NOW. Snooping isn't apart of a healthy relationship.
In healthy mature relationships people do share most-to-all relevant info from their pasts, over time, as the relationship develops.
But you're not in a mature relationship. You're dating a child who has gotten 3 women pregnant without being married to any of them. Nothing about that speaks to stability, maturity, or a happy ending for you. You MUST know that's a terrible way to start a life and create a family. You just don't want to admit it to yourself and have to deal with being yet another girl this guy got pregnant and left, being a single mom at 21, and being alone again.
You pick. Marry this guy, then divorce him later when some other childish drama ensues, or break up now and start getting your OWN life (and your CHILD'S life) on track for success.
Yes, you were wrong in checking his Facebook. You shouldn't have even gone there.
Communication. That is the problem in your relationship. You should've SPOKEN to him directly about feeling as though he'd been acting bothered by something rather than go poke around where you didn't belong.
Do NOT have another baby until you two figure out where your relationship is. Especially not until your trust issues are worked on.
Biological mother is correct, babymama is not. Stop giving those of us who are younger wives/mothers a bad name.
Either that or a nice healthy dose of saltpeter will do.