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Bridesmaids Gone Wild Vs. Bridezilla
I have been engaged for the past year and a half, and our wedding plans are finally commencing (yay!). The friends that I felt close to a year and a half ago have not been very friendly to me though. One of these friends became extremely jealous when I got engaged and told me that she felt she was supposed to be married first. She also told me that it wasn't a big deal to end an engagement when I wasn't even complaining about my fiance, she was. Another bridesmaid told me she wasn't going to buy a dress for my wedding- but ended up saying she would only because she is a bridesmaid at another wedding that would require the same color dress. Which makes me feel like chopped liver. She also told me that "the first year of marriage is hell". When I told her that I felt it was insensitive for her to say that to me, she merely responded that it wasn't and that she didn't want me to have unreal expectations for married life. She isn't married nor has any serious dating experience. Oh, and she told me she wouldn't be my friend- completely unprovoked. (ended up letting that one slide, we hung out the next day and she was fine with me.) These two are the most troublesome for me as they have put me through a lot of emotional turmoil in the past year or so with all their drama.
Yet another bridesmaid has been known to make-out with her boyfriend wherever they are, despite how inappropriate the setting is.
As for the whole lot of them, I feel that they will act inappropriately at my wedding and become unruly and drunk. Our wedding is going to be extremely conservative but I have reason to believe they will spend the entire time fraternizing with men or making out with boyfriends and showing excessive amounts of PDA. I asked them not to behave this way before my engagement party- especially since my in-laws are affluent members of our community and extremely conservative. They showed absolutely no respect and nothing but immaturity. They spent the entire time flirting in ways that would make you cringe. And all the PDA. It was so embarrassing for me that in the middle of my engagement party I asked them to cut it out, so they went outside and took pictures that they posted to facebook and tagged as my engagement party.
I don't know how to prevent this behavior from happening at my wedding. I do not feel that they care about me or my family or what my in-laws think. I honestly don't want to even invite them to the wedding because of this, nor do I wish to uphold a friendship after the wedding.
I feel that it would be extremely rude of me to not invite my "best friends" to my wedding.
How do I tell them that I don't want to be friends with them anymore? Should I invite them to the wedding and just let everything fizzle out after that? Any suggestions? Help?
Re: Bridesmaids Gone Wild Vs. Bridezilla
If you actually seriously don't want to be friends w/ these girls anymore, then yes, I'd end it now. Not after the wedding. you know how they are going to act. if you don't want your wedding 'ruined', then don't invite them.
But really.... why on earth are these your "best friends" in the first place?
I'll add, though - that while their behavior (based on your telling) is extreme, I also think it's unrealistic/unfair of you to expect people (anyone, really) to act differently than themselves because your IL's are "affluent and conservative".
Also, so what that your friend said "the first year of marriage is the hardest". That's kind of a standard thing that people think/say. how is it insensitive to you?
I mention these things because I also wonder about YOUR expectations and how you may be adding to this drama.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
These are my best friends because it has been that way for years, and I have a hard time letting go of friends because they are pretty hard to come by.
I don't think it is unreasonable to ask my friends to be on their best behavior given the social status of my in-laws, and out of general respect to my family.
She said the first year of marriage is HELL. Which I found to be insensitive because I am getting married and she wasn't bestowing any wisdom upon me, she was merely telling me that the beginning of my marriage that I am excited for is going to be miserable.
I don't happen to think I have added any drama, I tend to roll with the punches. (figuratively)
How am I supposed to end this? I have never broken up with a friend before...
I think you are confusing the term best friends with people who have been around a long time. Just because you've been friends with them forever, doesn't make them "best" friends or even friends at all. You don't have to put up with this crap. And honestly? While I was reading through your post, I kept thinking, why on earth would she want people like this to stand up for her and support her marriage? Especially if they EXPRESS to you personally that they don't support the engagement.
When is your wedding? I don't even know that I'd make a production of it. I think I'd just step back from them, stop contacting them, and simply don't send them an invitation. They call up wondering what's going on - then maybe then tell them "A lot has been going on and I think it's best if we all take some distance from one another".
But once they realize what's going on - don't kid yourself, they are going to be catty about it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My wedding is going to be at the end of April. So that's just over 2 months from now.
I have anxiety and depression and I really don't know that I can deal with them being catty or making some kind of scene. That's kind of why I was considering inviting them and letting the relationship fizzle out, but that doesn't help with the wedding day.
I agree w/ ECB, if this is their personalities then there is probably no way they won't be immature about it. I would just say something like, "You know - I've actually decided I want something real simple without bridesmaids for my wedding." I think it's going to be hard because you've already asked, but really it is your wedding day. You get to do whatever you want and have it how you wanted it. Why does their feelings matter more to you then what you want?
This is so true. I invited my oldest friend to be a bridesmaid and it eventually led to a permanent end to our friendship. She told me she couldn't order the dress because she was going on vacation, so I dumbly put the deposit down for her. Then she didn't have any time in a two month span to get a fitting. The big thing was when the bridesmaids planned the bridal shower and she had input but when it came time to pay, she left my one friend with her portion of the bill. After that, she became unreachable by me or any of my bridesmaids (one who had been her friend since we were children together). So tactful or not, I sent them all an email about how I needed to go through with programs and final head counts and if she didn't respond I would take this as her signal that she's out. I made sure to say it wasn't about the money because I offered to help pay for her dress (and ended up paying then having to sell it at a loss) and she had every say in the planning of the shower. What I wanted was for my friend to care, which she didn't. None of us have heard from her since and I've been married for six months. I also had another friend who didn't want to make time to come to the wedding because it wasn't a priority for her. I'm not saying people should give up their lives and bank accounts but you want your friends to care. If you are ready to let them go, be prepared that it will be permanent, but being a little jealous and being a bad friend are two different things. If they can't be there for you now, this is only a peek of what's to come. I'm sorry this happened to you, but unfortunately weddings can bring out the worst in people and teach you who your friends are.
Well, I think if you already asked them, they will be really angry if you "cancel" them being bride's maids. Have they bought dresses? If so, it's really rude of you to cancel. They probably had spent 100 + on the dress and can't return it. If not, you can just have a really close family member (sister/aunt/ect) stand up with you and say to them, " I feel that it's more appropriate to have close family as part of the ceremony because the ceremony is a symbol of unifying two families." That way they really can't be offended. My husband and I only had siblings stand with us because I didn't want to deal with bride's maids.
But, as for them making a scene at the wedding, you won't even notice them. You are going to be so happy and busy with 100 + people talking to you and congratulating you, you won't even have time to notice them. I feeling like I only had time to say a quick "hello" to everyone at my wedding.
I'm seriously not trying to be mean, but how old are you people? Why do you even have friends that you'd have to ask to "behave" at your wedding?
I'd say cut the friends out of your life if this isn't the kind of behavior you want to be around. I realize friends are hard to come by, but if you cut out these ones now it will make other friendship opportunities more obvious. Good Luck with your wedding and making new friends!
I know you only have 2 months until your wedding but if you do not want to be friends with these girls tell them now. To the PP that said it would be rude to cancel so close. I disagree. I was in a wedding in October and after the way I was treated by the MOH, other Bridesmaid, and the bride (she is a follower, goes with the crowd) I would have been SO much happier having not having been asked to be in the wedding at all. Myself, DH, and DD were in the wedding party and we shelled out over $800, closer to $900. We really needed that money at the time. Because they were such "close friends" of ours we wanted to be there for them and stand up for them at their wedding. I felt it was incredibly rude to have us spend all of that money to be treated poorly. I felt like I was just filling a position and not really wanted there.
Boy that sure must be entertaining. I'd like to see that one, myself.:)
Actually, if she can get use of of a BM dress, then great. She can't b!tch that you made her spend another X amount of dollars; look at the bright side.
Another one sounds childish and another one thinks she's Ann Landers.
Their only function as BMs is to look nice and show up on the day of and process in and out and pose for photos when needed.
If you wish to not continue their friendship after the wedding, that is up to you.
Hi, just to clarify, to the best of my knowledge, none of the bridesmaids have bought dresses yet. Even if they had, I didn't request gowns, merely a grey dress- I don't think that is too harsh. My concern was less with the waste of a dress and more with hurt feelings.
As for the inquiry to our age, I am 21 and the bridesmaids in question are 20 & 22.
If they haven't bought the dress and your wedding is soon then consider yourself lucky they just opted themselves out the wedding. Then cut ties.
If you really feel that you need a bridal party give them a date on when they need to have their dress by and if they don't have it then they will have opted out of the wedding. Then cut ties.
If they get their act together and come through and you still feel this way about your relationship with them then I would reevaluate and go from there.
I had one bridesmaid who ended up dropping out because she couldn't afford it, there was travel invovled and she had just started nursing school. She did cause some drama in the begining but after she told me she couldn't be in the wedding it was all fine. We are still friends and get along just great.
Good luck~
You really shouldn't have extra added stress to your planning of your wedding and your wedding day. This isn't going to end until you kick them out of the wedding. I just got married in November and I kicked my own sister out, my own brother, one of my cousin's, and my SIL out of my wedding. I can't describe and explain how less of drama and stress I had once I redid my wedding party. Why care about their feelings when they aren't caring about yours? You're supposed to have people support you and your husband, especially your wedding party. If you don't feel like dealing with their nonsense face to face then just text them stating you want people in your wedding who support you and you feel it's best that they should no longer be in your wedding..you and your husband would rather have them as guests than apart of your wedding party. If you don't do this, you will look back at the misery, stress, and wish you could have redid your wedding party. You do not need this BS in your life and as you get older you will realize this, hopefully.