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Complicated situation with mom (kinda long...)
Sorry if this post is kind of long. There is a really long history with my mom and my half brothers that needs to be explained for this to make sense. I would really like some unbiased advice...
My dad has two sons from a marriage he was in prior to meeting my mother. They are about 20 years older than me and have had some issues (arrests for drug use, stealing, drunk driving, etc.) but those were all when they were younger and they have mostly settled down now. I had not met either of them until about two years ago.
Because of some of their prior issues, my mom does not like them. Never has, never will. In fact, my dad stopped speaking to them shortly after he married my mom. According to him, it was so that my mom would stop complaining because he just wanted to have some peace at home. According to my mom, she has no idea why this ever happened. My dad did not start talking to them again until about three years ago...
My parents are currently going through a bad divorce. The divorce process started about three years ago, and they are still in and out of court battling over money. I decided to meet my brothers after my dad had mentioned to me that they would like to meet me. My mom had always told me really terrible things about them, but I figured that I should be the one to make that decision for myself. Truth be told, I think they are good people. Yes, they have had some issues, but as I said before, I don't see any of those as being present anymore.
The problem is, my mom goes through this phase every few months where she completely freaks out that I am spending time with them. She recently got a Facebook, and upon realizing that I am friends with them and their kids, sent me two texts saying how horrible she thinks it is that I am communicating with them. It escalated last night when she called me saying that she basically does not think that there is any way I can talk to or spend time with my half brothers and still have a relationship with her.
My husband has been completely supportive of me getting to know my brothers and spending time with them. He enjoys hanging out with them as well, and gets along with them. Throughout this whole thing with my mom, he has always taken my side, but I would really like an outside opinion. Is it really so terrible of me to be communicating with them given that my mom does not like them? Or is it understandable that I would want a relationship with them and do not feel that it is my mom's place to get involved in that part of my life?
Thanks for reading my ridiculously long post and for any thoughts you all may have...
Re: Complicated situation with mom (kinda long...)
You having a relationship w/ them actually has NOTHING to do w/ your mom. NOTHING. And really- I hugely side eye her for making them such an issue that your dad cut contact w/ them. I'm wondering how old they were at the time.
All I'd tell her is that this has nothing to do w/ her and it's her choice to make it an issue or not. And I'd even consider blcoking her on FB if FB is really going to cause these issues.
She doesn't need to know the details of your life. Don't tell her you see them, and block her on FB so that she doesn't see them there.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm so sorry. Your mom sounds very manipulative. She controlled your dad for years (he definitely has fault here to by giving in to her and not seeing his own children for years), and now she is focusing on you.
Personally, I would not give in to her. I would continue to do what I want and let her deal with it. If she makes you choose, you know what you should do. Don't give in to her. If you do, it will only lead to more issues of control down the road. You are an adult and can have a relationship with your own brothers if you choose too. That is NOT her decision! If your brothers were toxic or criminals she might have an argument. They made some bad decisions when they were younger and have grown into good men now. Why should they be punished the rest of their life for bad decisions that they made 20 years ago?
It sounds like you have a rough road ahead with your mom and this issue. Stay strong and don't give in to her manipulation. HUGS!
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
This! Sorry that your mom is putting you in this situation. It's none of her business that you want to meet and hang out with your brothers. Good luck!
TTC since June 2012
They were in their 20's at the time I believe. They are now in their 40s.
I should also add that I have never told her that I am hanging out with them. She figured it out on her own by snooping through my dad's stuff (they still live together because she refuses to move out until she gets her share of the money... they don't speak to each other except for little notes they leave one another if anything needs to be communicated). If it were up to me, what I do with them would be my business and she would never hear anything of it, but the way she goes through his stuff, she always ends up finding out.
I would love to tell her that I don't feel that it is her business and don't want to talk to her about them (or the divorce, or how "awful" my father is), but I don't know how to do it without her having a meltdown and calling me crying for days on end.
Anyways, thanks ladies for your advice and for helping me feel that this is not my fault. Sometimes it just helps to hear the opinions of someone who is uninvolved.
Your mother is manipulating you. She did it to your Dad...and now she's doing it to you.
Truth be told, I think your Dad is kind of a shitty person for turning his back on his children because his new wife said to...but that's a separate conversation.
Don't you dare give in to these demands. You have a relationship with whoever you want to, and if your mom wants to give ultimatums, she'd better be prepared for the consequences.
Steps off soapbox.
You have every right to have a relationship with your half brothers. You are lucky they have no resentment towards you after what your Mom did. It's horrible on both sides, hers and your fathers.
I don't know why some people feel they can control adult children. Honestly, you need to shut down, hang up the phone or leave when she brings this up. She sends a text? Don't respond. Next time she guilts you by saying you can't have a relationship with her, say I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't but you do, call me when you feel differently. Basically call her bluff.
You have to not worry about her reaction. She meltsdown and cries for days? Then don't answer your phone.
As a PP said - she's manipulating you. Don't give in to it. But realize that no, it won't be easy! But this will never, ever end if everyone just continues to give in to her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with all the PPs that she's manipulating you. It sounds like she's very used to get her way by complaining or with tears. I just wouldn't discuss your relationship with your brothers with her. If she brings it up, just let her know that the relationship is between you and them and does not involve her or your father, and that you're not going to discuss it with her.
If she has a fit, do the same thing I do with my 2 year old- let her know it's very difficult to talk with her when she's so upset and that you're going to give her some time to calm down and you'll be happy to talk with her then. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
I wouldn't shut your mom out- it sounds like you have a close relationship and she's obviously going through a hard time, just shut down any discussions about your relationship with your brother. After you do it a few times, she should get the hint!
Oh my goodness. Your poor, poor brothers. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be if my dad did that to me or if my husband did that to our children. How heartbreaking that must have been for them. I can understand giving them tough love if that is what they needed at the time, but to disown them for decades? Especially after they turned their lives around ? I'm sorry, but your mother truly is an evil step mother. There really are despicable woman out there that don't want there to be any reminder of the life their husbands had before them, even their husband's own children. Just terrible.
You realize what she is doing don't you? By you having a relationship with your brothers, she is afraid of you realizing what a terrible person she is and what a terrible thing she did ( as did your father). Nope, she doesn't want anyone to know this, so she is doing her damndest to make this all about your poor brothers and to keep you having a relationship with them and their families. She doesn't want you to know what a truly disgusting person she is.
Of course, she is trying to manipulate you. You can't honestly think those tears and cries are genuine ? If anything they should be tears of shame and guilt. You need to do what your dad should have done years ago, let her know that you are still going to have a relationship with your brothers and her manipulations won't work on you.
Thank you everyone for your responses and advice! Yes, I agree with the ones that said she is trying to manipulate me. I haven't responded to any of her calls or messages about my brothers and now all of a sudden she is texting and calling about how much she loves me, etc. I am planning on having a conversation with her about all of this sometime soon.
Thanks again
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This! She can't tell you who to talk to, especially if it is your family. You can talk to whoever you want. You are an adult. Next thing you know, she will be telling you to cut off your dad because of the divorce.
After my dad died my mom decided she didn't want anything to do with my dad's family. She gets mad at me for having anything to do with them, and even told a bunch of lies about them to my younger brother so he is mad at them too and won't have anything to do with them either. She is horrified that I let my daughter spend time with them and that I speak with them on a regular basis. She even went so far as to say that I talk about her behind her back to them.
So I know exactly what you mean. She is just being controlling. Keep doing what you want to do and make yourself happy, if she wants to have a relationship with you then she needs to accept that you are grown and you can decide who you associate yourself with. You shouldn't have to choose. SHE is the one that has to choose.