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Family Issues With Money..ARGH!
Long Story-
My FI has his own business, he does very well, but we are NOT racking in the dough.
We plow in the winter, and his brother takes my FI truck with plow and uses that. He works for my FI.
Thing is, my FI and I are always buying lunch, dinner, snacks, coffee for him, everything. My FI says he doesn't mind, but they are so used to my FI paying for everything that when we get to the register, we always foot the bill.
My FI pays his parents car insurance, gives them money all the time. It is great to help out, don't get me wrong, but we are in a very tight spot right now financially, and are hoping to start saving to build our house this summer/fall. His family knows that.
They are constantly texting him asking him for money for their animals, etc. My FI always gives them money, when we can't really afford it.
We go out to dinner with them, the bill is $300, and my FI pays for it all. His family, I love them, but are very selfish! They never chip in anything, and we can NEVER go to dinner without my FI having to pay.
We talk about finances, but he likes to keep his private in a way, as in he doesn't tell me everything he buys(which is fine!)
My FI gets a little annoyed sometimes, not too bad. I don't know if he secretly thinks that by doing this he's the "big dog"..
I'm really bothered by this, but do not want to be telling my FI what to do.
Re: Family Issues With Money..ARGH!
You have a FI problem. Yes, your in laws seem greedy, but he needs to learn to say no. You are going to be married, now is the time to talk about the future and financial goals. I am not a fan of secret accounts in a marriage. You want to allot each other x dollars of spending money, fine. But the fact that he is not willing to be open about his finances is a big red flag.
He also needs to put your family's needs (as in you and him) above buying his family treats. I would seriously consider breaking it off if he doesn't become more forthcoming about his finances and the two of you can't come up with a joint plan for money.
That is uncomfortable. My Inlaws became the same way. Expecting us to foot the bill once we started to do "well." It got a little weird. Finally my H just started talking about saving money for us to start our own family. They kind of got the hint, but every once in awhile things get a bit awkward.
When you go out to dinner you could start by saying this will be on seperate checks please to the server. I mean paying every once in awhile is ok, but all the time.... yeah.
The keeping money away thing is kinda a red flag. When you are married your assets become one. So this seperate thing... yeah. Not a good thing. Being secretive about money is just not good. If he goes in dept, you are respondible for that dept too when you are married whether you know about it or not. Do you see what I am saying?
I know exactly what he has in his account, I tally his receipts every night. I know exactly what he spends, etc.
We have one joint account, and if one of us needs money, we help each other out.
There really is nothing we can't talk about.
He doesn't like people telling him what to do. I never do that to him anyways.
Example, as I said, his brother works for him plowing, and he uses my FI's truck. His brother was being reckless, driving too fast, and broke a $300.00 part off the truck, 30 min later we bought him lunch!!
Apparently my Fi doesn't mind??
Thank you for the response!
If I said seperate checks, my FI would not talk to me the rest of the night! I know his parents don't have much money, but they don't ask my FI's brothers to help, whom live 3 min away!
You should ask him if he feels obligated to do this. It sounds like there is some underlying issue with guilt maybe with his family. He has "some" money, his parents do not have "as much" money so there for he feels like he has to take care of his parents. His parents have taken advantage of that. Does he put his parents needs over his own needs?
It is good he is not keeping his finances secret. I misunderstood.
He IS the family cash cow now. Has been for over a year.
It's not that I don't want him helping has parents, but they know we are paying for our wedding, trying to save up to buy a house. They don't get it. I don't think he minds, I'm just not sure!
He feels he can do whatever he wants with his money, and it's true, I'm not part of that account yet.
There is a book that I read that actually helped both myself and my husband. With In law problems similar though not exactly like this one.
I too would suggest that you resolve this before you take the plunge into marriage.
The book is called A Wife's guide to In-laws by Jenna D. Barry. I loathe self-help books. LOATHE them. But this one is actually pretty good and reads well. Though not everything in the book will be applicable to you, there is a chapter in it about Husband putting his parents needs before his and yours.
I'm not sure how to bring this up to him.
I don't really want to randomly bring this up by saying do you feel obligated to pay for everything.
It is my FI's fault for this. It is his choice to tell his brother, his family that he can't pay for it all. I think he would feel embarrassed if he did.
His family is very greedy, my FI's brother and his family complain about money and can't buy the bridesmaid dress for our wedding, so I do, the next day they buy a new Denali. Not my place to judge but still.....
Okay you need to really pay attention to this:
Getting married, saying I do and having a ring will not magically change him. He isn't going to stop paying your future in laws way after you get married. He is showing you who he is. He is the family cash cow. He is not putting a stop to it even while paying for a wedding and saving up for a house with you. You being on the account won't change his spending habits with his family. You need to talk to him and see what he is thinking with paying for all this. If you don't think or feel this will work then don't marry him. Marriage is not magic.
I would sit down with FI and come up with a monthly budget, and include money for eating out, etc. Then, treat as often as you feel comfortable until you hit your budget....I would think this would mean far fewer lunches and dinner out with them. If they ask about going out, just say you're trying to save up for the wedding by eating at home more, and they can either come over for some or you can meet them for dinner once at the end of the month. I would be vocal with his family on how you're working hard to save money for your wedding and house, so they know your new frugality isn't coming out of nowhere.
If they ask FI for extra money, once it goes outside your monthly budget, maybe he could start telling him that extra money is going towards the wedding and new house, and there isn't much extra to spare.
I would really make sure you and FI are on the same page about how you spend money, because these issues will just get worse after marriage.
You know all that anger and resentment you have towards your ILs? Well you need to stop focusing on them and start focusing on your FI. They act this way because YOUR FIANCE lets them. Heck, if someone offered to pay my insurance, my pet bills and take me out to eat, I would probably take them up on it.
Look, your FI is showing you right now where you rank on his totem pole. Mommy, daddy and brother are up here and you are down there. He doesn't care about your wedding, he doesn't care about your new home, he doesn't care about your future together. Well, at least not enough to tell his family no. He'd rather say that to you.
All this. Marriages commonly break apart due to financial troubles. You aren't even married yet and the financial troubles you are experiencing are going to head your relationship for disaster. Take off the rose colored glasses.
What happens if there's a sickness, job loss, family death, you have a child with a disability, is he going to still give money elsewhere to people who need to exist on their own?
You can and should talk with him. Maybe it isn't your money...but it's your life. You have a say and a right here.
Regarding the family's Denali and your statments about your fiance's "cash cow" status...it sounds like he and them are highly materialistic and place a lot of importance on the flashy life. $300 dinners? For 5 people? That's like $50 a head for a meal! And he does this like it's no big deal.
Follow your gut instinct here. It's telling you what to do.
You keep saying it's not your money. You are correct. However, once you got engaged it's time to start thinking of the money as joint. Not that you physically spend your FI's money but in future monetary plans. You get a say.
Once H and I were engaged we starting filling each other in on expensive purchases, checking in to see if those things were needed for our future before buying. We made joint decisions about things like paying for his sister & 2 nieces to come to our wedding (which was OOS for them).
GL in your talk with him. I suggest premarital counseling as well.
Why on earth would you expect his family would stop behaving this way when behaving this way gets them exactly what they want? They've got a sweet deal going! Their son/brother is a doormat who won't say no and they get everything paid for! They'd be crazy to willingly give that up!
You just need to decide if you want to marry into this. Because if you do decide you want to marry into this, you lose the right to ever complain about it again. You know exactly what you're signing up for.
Not sure what your time line is until the wedding, but I would definitely suggest pre-marital counseling. I think it's a great idea for any couple, but especially beneficial when there are issues. We did it, and we
benefited quite a bit
Once you get married, it?s your money too. And like others have stated, he won?t magically change his behavior overnight once the wedding band is on his hand so odds are this will still be an issue, although it will bother you even more bc then it will be your money being spent.
My husband was an open book with his family about money (and everything else) before we married. I stressed how important I think it is for us to be a unit, and to maintain our privacy, even from family members. He and I have an agreement that we don?t discuss detailed things regarding money, and other personal matters (family planning, etc) in detail with anyone. Especially money matters though bc his family is always broke. My view is hey people can?t ask for money if they don?t know we have any. It has helped our relationship so much.
My advice is to hold off on the actual wedding until you can work things out, bc money is one of the number one things to strain a marriage. He needs to prioritize you, and your relationship. And he needs to stop enabling his parents. I think you need a third party perspective on this, which is where a counselor can really help out.