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When is enough enough?? (Sorry it's long!)
So I have a female friend who I've known for almost 10 years. I met her when I was at a place in my life where I was all about having fun and didn't really "know" myself yet. During the past 7 years that I've known and been with my husband, I've grown a lot and been able to explore myself and I feel more myself than ever. She is still the same person that she was when we met.
So maybe it's just the "new" me trying to find problems, but I have noticed certain things that make me feel like we've just grown apart and maybe I should cut her loose.
The big thing that made me realize this is my wedding. When I got engaged, she was asking more about the ring than any plans or how he proposed. During the planning process, she waited until I had already been engaged a year before asking if I needed help with anything.
Then my bridal shower happened and she was almost an hour late. The excuse was that she was at her grandma's(literally 5 minutes away from the shower) playing board games and they started one 40 minutes before the shower and she thought it would be over in time. Then she left the shower early.
Now, my birthday is the 19th of this month. She wants to take me out to eat. We had made plans for today at 7pm. She texts me at 5:50pm telling me she's running late because she's at her boyfriend's mom's and she's leaving soon. Then she texts me at 6:50pm saying that she'll be leaving in a few minutes and it'll take her about 30 minutes to get to me. We made the plans to leave at 6:30 so we could get there by 7 because it takes a half hour to get to the place. Then about an hour to eat.. this place closes at 9pm. So I, not her, asked if we could reschedule.
I just.. don't know if it's me or if I shouldn't be taking this crap from her?? I feel like she should be able to be more aggressive and tell her grandma and her FMIL that she has other plans! But I don't think she even bothers! I don't understand why I'm constantly feeling like she doesn't care about me! And here's the kicker.. she decided (without my knowledge) to give a little speech at my wedding in which she called me her best friend. What the heck??
Re: When is enough enough?? (Sorry it's long!)
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I get that.. I mean I don't expect everyone to be into my wedding, I'm really not that kind of person. I wasn't like a bridezilla or anything. I barely asked anyone for help and I didn't expect her to help. I guess the thing that bothers me is that sometimes she's all buddy buddy with me, to the point of making a speech in front of everyone at the wedding that I'm her best friend.. then I feel like she doesn't treat me like one. Like if I'm your best friend, why were you an hour late to my bridal shower? I just feel like the little wedding events are hopefully only going to happen once in my life, and she was playing a board game.
I don't know, I just expect more from a friendship that long. To me, she's being disrespectful and showing me that she doesn't care. But maybe I'm reading into it too much.
Ditto doglove - people outgrow friendships. That might be what's going on.
But be honest- has she always been like this, or is this actually "new" behavior. And look past yourself. Does she really ONLY do this w/ you or is she like this across the board?
I hate people who are late. HATE. Trust me - I get it. My IL's - they were 1.5 hours late to my wedding (luckily, they were supposed to get there 1.5 hours early, so they were "on time" - but.... still). My MIL didn't come to my wedding or baby shower. And I have a list of other events they've been horribly late to.
So _ I get it. I really do. But - unfortunately, this is "who" they are. They don't have a good sense of time and they run late. As much as I want to take it personally, I realize that it's not. It's really not. It still infuriates me - but I also realize that this isn't about "me" or my DH. This is WHO my ILs are.
You say "I just expect more from a friendship that long" - but why? IF this is how she's always been, why do you feel she needs to change for you?
Again- I get it. But at the same time, I don't know that I see it as really all that fair or "respectful" to expect her to change who she is because you now have a problem with it.
Remember- marriage doesn't change people. Most women expect that getting married means their DH's will magically change. But it applies here too. You getting engaged isn't going to make yoru friend suddenly run on time, and it's not going to make her more interested in weddings than she was before.
Before I got engaged and really "got" all that went into weddings, they were unknown entities in my life. Same w/ kids. I always adored my friends kids, but now that I have one, I'm like "ahhh!!! So now so much else makes sense". If she's never been through all this stuff - it may just simply not be on her radar to ask about it, to offer help, etc. She may think you've got it all handled and if you want to talk about it - you will.
* shrug * If you're done, you're done. But I just also feel that you're expecting something from your friend that you, and no one else, is going to get because THIS is who she is. And the changes in YOUR life isn't going to change your friend.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
As my last reply wasn't long enough (
), I wanted to be clear about my last paragraph. I'm not trying to talk you into staying friends w/ her. If you're just kind of 'done', that's fine. My ILs - I don't have a choice, I can't be 'done' w/ them. But their lateness issue has absolutely affected our relationship. Absolutely. While I know this is "them", while we find ways to kind of combat it - at the same time, there is a personal component. I know they don't do it from a malicious place, but at the same time - they can't have it both ways. They can't say "we love you, we want to be close, we want to be involved" and then totally disregard OUR schedules and our lives because "oh, that's how we are - we always run late!".
On one hand, for my own sanity, I have to accept that this is how they are. But on the other hand, they don't get to be like this w/o dealing w/ the consequences of it.
So - again, nothing wrong if you just don't want to deal w/ it anymore.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thumbs up.
Have you told het how you feel? I have a friend like this. Just a couple weeks ago I was fed up with her and went off on her a bit. It wasn't the most mature thing to do but it seemed to have made her realize what she's doing. That's if you want to continue being friends with her, of course. I'm also the type of person that's on time (meaning at least 10 minutes early) so it drives me crazy when I have to wait for others. Some people just aren't punctual and don't know/care how it affects others.
I'll give you a little tidbit that's helped a family member of mine in the past.
If you want to keep a friendship with her (and just aren't looking for reasons to boot her from your life!), make a point of telling her whatever you want her to be at is a half an hour earlier than it is. That way, if she's on time - great, more time to hang out.