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Exhausted (another difficult mother)
My mother and I have had a strained relationship for most of my life. The joke, that wasn't funny, when I was growing up was that we are oil and water. We don't mix, we never have.
About five years ago my family went through a very difficult time, all stemming from my mother. It strained every single relationship I had and there are still some that have not completely recovered. The details of this aren't important. This is just the time I was old enough to really see my relationship with my mother for what it was and began to make attempts to fix it.
What I want in a mother is irrelevant because I don't have it, and I've come to terms with the fact that I never will. She is who she is, thats never going to change. But I need to do/change something because the stress and torment she puts me through has affected my life for too long.
About two years ago everything came to a boiling point, she had pushed me too far, and I snapped. Writing her out of my life forever. It took months of fighting and mounds of guilt to finally get that deep breath of freedom. She is still married to my father so he steps in when he see's things are going to start affecting him, usually on her side. After about a year of silence from her part and feeling so much better, my grandfather died. This brought all of us back together. And slowly she started coming around more, I tried to keep my boundaries up and it worked for while. Then one day she asked to have dinner so she could talk to me. I agreed and it was amazing, she took responsibility for so many things, she apologized, she admitted to her faults, saw mine, acknowledged the work ahead to repair the damage that had been done, so on and so forth. I left thinking there was hope.
The next day I found out I was pregnant with my first child. This was over a year ago. Now here I am with a 5 mth old and a mother who's returned to her old ways, causing me nothing but grief. Now what do I do? I don't have the energy to cut her out of my life again, especially now that I have a son. But she is driving me crazy and avoiding her just isn't working anymore.
She's not the mom I need or want. I've been trying for over 5 years to improve our relationship, trying to bond with her over things we enjoy together, trying to open the lines of communication. But she isn't trying, she's the same person she always was. She's critical of everything I do. She makes rude remarks masked as jokes, and when I get upset she disappears for weeks, and then returns as if nothing happened. She doesn't want to change, or shows no interest in doing so. She's incredibly opinionated and no matter how many times I've told her to keep her thoughts to herself she shares them. She never thinks before speaking and insults my husband and friends. The hurt feelings run so deep that I can't honestly remember a time where I enjoyed her company or wanted to spend time with her. Her world revolves around her, shes a self proclaimed teenager trapped in a middle aged womans body and she acts like it. She's mean. And she feels as though she's entitled to a relationship with me and my son, just because she's my mom. She doesn't listen to a word I say, she just nods and agrees until she can go back to talking about something she wants to talk about. I don't like being around her and its exhausting the torment a 5 minute conversation does to me.
I don't know what to do at this point. I see no hope for the future with us, I only see her doing to my son what she's done to me. Nothing I've done has worked, and I need to figure something out because I don't want to spend the rest of my life hating her, angry over the way things are between us. I'm wasting to much energy on her.
Re: Exhausted (another difficult mother)
You don't have to put up with this behavior. And really - you expend more energy putting up with this behavior then just nipping it in the bud. You're the one in control here. You can't change your mother, but you can change how you react to her.
Have you been to individual counseling? That would be a great place to start in order to work through all this and create the necessary boundaries for yourself and your family.
Sure, sorry. When I first wrote her off, I was bombarded by both of them, their main ammunition was that we've always been a tight family (there's just them and me). And what did this mean for the future, how would my dad split his time, how could I make him choose, why was I being so selfish, so on and so forth.
When I was about two weeks from my due date I attempted to have another conversation with my mom about our boundaries, the state of our relationship, etc. And she didn't like what I had to say, because I told her that I still didn't trust her. So she walked out on me and a day later I had to have another sit down with my dad about it all. And I heard everything I'd heard before, with the addition of how could I think of keeping them away from their first grandchild.
If I were to set my boundary so high that it no longer included her in my life, it would mean I would have to face the onslaught of attacks and they would use my son as ammunition this time. I would be the horrible person keeping them away from him, I say them because my dad would choose my mom, not that I'm asking him to choose. And if he didn't, he'd come to see my son, and would make sure I knew how sad my mom was, how much she missed us all, and how horrible of a person I am for keeping my son from her. On and on.
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
Follow The White Rabitt
I have actually, many times. I'm considering going back, but as I mentioned I have a 5mth old son and my free time has suddenly been zapped, lol.
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
Follow The White Rabitt
People can say whatever they want about you or your kid, but how you choose to let it affect you is totally up to you. Who cares what they say? They don't have all the information.
And honestly, I don't know how you can explain your boundaries to someone and expect them to change their behavior. You show your boundaries in your actions. Whether or not they have something to say about them is irrelevant.
That's the thing about boundaries. They actually have NOTHING to do w/ the people you're setting them up for. Boundaries are totally about you and what you do. Period. You don't have to tell them anything, you don't need their permission.
Don't tell them that you aren't going to see them/ spend time w/ them. Don't try to explain the "whys" behind it. Just DO it. They figure it out and they start the onslaught? Guess what? You don't have to respond. They call? Don't answer the phone. They e-mail? Delete w/o reading. They show up at your house? Don't answer the door.
You don't have to defend yourself to them. You really, really, really don't.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Toxic people never change or stop being toxic. Read Toxic Parents today and get into thearpy ASAP.
You cut her out once and you can do it again. I wonder if you have PPD since the thought of dealing with cutting her off is overwhelming to you. Talk to your OB and see if you do.
The fact that you are using exhausting to describe this relationship tells me she isn't healthy for your life.
She makes stupid little remarks that she thinks are jokes or teasing and its insulting to them. An example, my son found his thumb a few months back, not really sucking on it but chewing. When she saw him with his thumb in his mouth she looked at my husband and said he gets that bad behaviour from your side of the family. Another one. I was talking to a friend about jeans, she noticed I lost a lot of the baby weight and commented on my new jeans, we joked about how we hide our muffin tops, my mom blurts out have you ladies ever heard of sit-ups.
These instances alone are nothing, no big deal, but when its all I deal with all the time, theres no room for anything but anger.
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
Follow The White Rabitt
You're right. I feel like I HAVE to say the words. "I'm not talking to you anymore." I don't know why I feel like I have to make some sort of declaration. I guess because thats what I did last time and I feel like its the fastest way to get her out of my life...
My problem is stopping her from affecting me, stopping both of them from affecting me. Knowing the tone in their voices the things they'll say, the tears, guilt trips, blah, blah, blah I just don't feel like dealing with it. My husband asked me last night if it would be easier to just ignore their ridiculousness, tolerate them for holidays. I don't know the answer to that. All I know is I'm tired of wasting my time on someone who just plainly isn't nice to me. Its a constant battle in my own head, back and forth. And I just don't know what to do...
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
Follow The White Rabitt
I realize, though, that this is easier said than done. I do agree, though, pick up a couple books and read up about this. See if they can give you some guideance.
Good luck. And your DS is adorable, BTW.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
One more thing- you say that you feel you have to say the words. But here's the thing - they know. Really, they do. If you stop calling them/ answering their calls - they'll know what's going on. They may not take it lying down, bu tthey will know. AND they will know why.
You don't need to tell them yet again what's going on.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Warning harsh:
Wow, you are so busy you cannot find the time to ignore calls and limit visits? Even when it means you are protecting your son from this toxic person? You make a million excuses for allowing her in your life, and she continues to be exactly who you know her to be, and now you let her poison be fed to your child. Tell your Dad to take a freaking hike too and if he wants to put up with her then that is the consequence he's entitled to with his decision. It is simple if you just let it be and stop the drawn out trap she has set for you. She manipulated you with lies and with the grief of a family death moved on you with precision. You need to remember how nice it was to not have this in your life, you need to realize how nice it will be to enjoy your life without this stress. Caller ID is your friend. Stop explaining and just say NO to visits and don't call. Everyday it will be easier and this is energy well spent to rid yourself of the negativity. Face it, she lacked basic maternal instincts and there is no way you want to repeat that pattern. Just because the devil comes knocking doesn't mean you have to let her in the door. She is miserable and wants the same for you. Good luck.
That wasn't that harsh but thanks for the warning. What I bolded, I've said to myself. Its on me now. I'm the one who keeps letting her do this. I want a mom. I want her to be the mom I want her to be. She's not. I'm trying like hell to come to terms with that. Now that I'm a mom I question every move I make, is it best for my son. Am I making a mistake by excluding his grandmother from his life? What does she bring to his life thats good? What does she bring thats bad? Will he grow up resenting me for keeping her away from him? Will I lose both of my parents by phasing one out? What do I do on his birthday, invite one and not the other. I'm battling myself at this point. Everytime I get ready to cut ties I think of hurting them and feel bad. Its a vicious cycle. I'm trying to work my way through it to find a place where I can be comfortable and happy.
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
Follow The White Rabitt
I would like to tell you something from another perspective. My grandparents are divorced and my grandfather went on to marry a horrible woman. She insulted my parents, my aunts and uncles and when us grandkids came around, she insulted us too. She would call us names, say we are brats, ugly, stupid. Her christmas gifts to us were always from garage sales. Now, not everything from a garage sale is bad, but it is like she went out of her to buy get us the crappiest thing she could find. One year she got my sister underwear from a garage sale and my little brother's gift was an opened, expired bag of craisins. Here's the thing, she got her biological grandchildren gifts from a nice department store, so it isn't like they didn't have money or that she treated everyone like this, just us.
Do you know what my parents did when this happened ? Not a damn thing. Nope, they were afraid of upsetting her and she would in turn make it so my grandfather wouldn't see us anymore. They didn't want to rock the boat, so I grew up thinking it was ok for people to treat me like dirt. My feelings and my self respect wasn't as important as making selfish adults happy, because God forbid someone might be upset with us.
Once I became an adult, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I realized that if my grandfather allowed her to treat his children and gradnchildren like this, then he is just as bad as she is. I decided to cut them both out in order to protect myself and my family. They have since both passed away, but I have no regrets. I didn't go to my stepgrandmother's funeral, but I did my grandfather. He lived his past couple of years with alzheimer's, so I was never able to reconcile with him, and well it is what it is. I loved him, but I can't say he was a good grandfather. I have a few good memories of him, but I still wish he wouldn't have tolerated such bad behavior from his wife.
I still have some anger towards my parents for allowing them in our lives for so long. I was talking to my mom about this issue and she said that if she could go back in time, they should have cut them out of our lives long long ago. They really didn't add much to our lives and she feels that is the biggest parenting mistake they made and is ashamed that she let us kids endure her abuse and toxicity for so many years all for the sake of a grandfather that didn't truly care about us.
Please learn from my parent's mistake. I promise you the abuse will not stop with you. If she says these things to your husband and your friends, she will start abusing your son too. Do you want your son to come to you in the future and say " Why did you let her treat me like that ?" What will you say to him ? Just because they are grandparents that doesn't mean they belong in you son's life. Trust me, sometimes grandchildren really are better off being separate from their grandparents.
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
Follow The White Rabitt
Sorry, that was not my intent to make you cry. I just wanted to give you some things to think about.
Honestly, that took a lot out of me. I still can't believe my parent's did that to me and my siblings. At the end it was sort of a joke to see how bad she was, but it really did hurt. When she would say we were stupid or brats or when my christmas gift was a free Campbell's soup calendar ( that she wanted me to share with my sister), I get so angry.
I didn't even want to invite them to my wedding, but my mom guilted me into it. My mom was afraid that not inviting them would cause a lot of strife in the family, so I relented.
Do you know what else that *** did ? My first child passed away when she was 4 months old, but when she was still sick in the hospital, she sent me a card. I opened it thinking maybe me having a sick baby would cause her to have some empathy. Nope, most of the card was about her health problems and she said I needed to call her more. Aggghhhhh.
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
Follow The White Rabitt
i have to agree witth the PP (and dont take this as snarky-it's just face) about you making excuses. you ahve a son? great. get a babysitter for 2 hours and go to counseling. or bring him. you need to MAKE the time to fix this-not wait until you FIND the time.
just wondering-have you ever tried giving it back to her? with the 'sit up's comment if it was really that hurtful have you ever considered saying 'you know about sit ups? I never would've guessed'. be a jerk back. when she throws a fit tell her you're giving back what you get. she'll get upset. she'll get mad and deny everything and say you hate her but she may MAY figure it out after a while. or not. in which case you're in no different postion than you are now.
and you need to tell your dad why you're going to break contact with her and then he needs to respect that. when she complains to him he needs to be able to tell her to leave him out of it.
but you need to get working on this today.
Remember, this won't end with you. If she feels that she can insult and hurt your husband and friends, she will continue to say these things to your children.
You aren't keeping her from your son, she is keeping him from herself. This is all on her.
This. Write it down in a journal or say it to your husband if you want to get it out and say the words. Don't say it to these people, leave them alone for the sake of your own sanity.
Yes you do! You did it before and you can do it again. Just because you have an infant doesn't mean you cannot do it. I have done it with my own mother and immediate family while my son was 7 months old, I was planning his first birthday party, while moving into a new home, and planning our wedding.
My mother was/is way worse! She's a control freak and she's narcissistic! She even thought my son was hers, she acted like he was, and we weren't having it. It started to get really bad a month after I had him. I have not spoken to my mother, brother, sister, or father in 9 months. I cannot tell you how much better my relationship/marriage is, how much happier I am, and much less stress I have without them in our lives. I refuse to have my son around individual's like them and I truly do not care if anyone thinks I'm awful person for keeping him away from them. He is better off and my husband agrees!
You need to cut her off again and if your father gives you grief about it, along with tells you you're selfish, etc then you cut him off as well.
This is a good point about the giving it back to her. She probably thinks that she can step all over you if you don't say anything obnoxious or rude back. You should try it and see what happens. The worst that will happen is that she will get mad and get a dose of her own medicine. You definitely have to get back into therapy if you're consumed by this, which it sounds like you are. My mother can be this way sometimes and it took me years to come to terms that she is not the parent that I want her to be and trust me, she has used the guilt trip countless times and I let it consume me. I won't say things are perfect now, but I have set boundaries and like pp have stated, "boundaries are for the person setting them". It has helped me deal with her alot easier and I am no longer her parent, like I used to be. Good luck with this. I know how hard it can be because you want your DS to have a relationship with his grandma, even though she is toxic.
Sigh. Having a difficult mother and difficult MIL, I know that so much energy can be spent on people like these. The truth is that your mother could just be verbally abusive or also emotionally abusive. She could be anywhere on that spectrum but what really matters is how you feel about her and how she makes you feel.
This is a decision you're going to have to make. Maybe you can open her eyes to a few of her behaviors but I always feel like the mothers feel like they are the ones that are right or know more or deserve everything or that they are the ones being victimized and not you. Again, it's exhausting to keep up with. Do you think you could get by just seeing her once in a while and talking on the phone say once a month? Figure out what you are comfortable with without compromising yourself and your new family.