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Sick with stress because of money
Hi everyone. I have been together with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We just moved in together. Before and during our relationship, I incurred a lot of credit card debt, some due to school, some due to living expenses, and a lot because of irresponsible decisions (I just came out of a divorce and wanted to be able to spend how I wanted to). My boyfriend didn't know until a couple of weeks ago, when I finally came clean. He was distraught, hurt, and very upset. We worked on a budget that will help me pay off this debt in about a year. I owe about $30,000, which I know is a lot of debt. I made a mistake. I am doing the absolute best I can to get rid of it, which means dedicating every possible dollar of my paycheck to this debt. My boyfriend has also volunteered to use his tax refund to pay for some of it.
He has not stopped harassing me about it. Every day, he reminds me about it and how much he is sacrificing to help get me out of it. First of all, I didn't ask for his help, but he insists. He's angry when he helps, he's angry when I refuse it. It is simply impossible to communicate with him. It's like I don't have a say in our household anymore because I should be so grateful to him that he's helping me. He emailed my mom this whole long diatribe about me and my mom was shocked, not about the debt, but what he was saying. He's afraid of looking bad in front of my family, because he didn't know. I didn't tell him because I was too embarrassed and ashamed. However, I have now laid it all in the open. I have offered several plans to get out of debt, but he has rejected them all. It's like he wants to make it all about HIM. I offered to get a second job. Nope. It's like his way is the only way.
Every day, I wake up with a knot in my stomach and dread, anticipating the next angry text message or email from him. He constantly guilt trips me, for instance, saying "I stayed up until 2 am while you slept working on your problem so you cannot complain about anything at all. I have no sympathy for you." But then he'll immediately say "I love you. We'll persevere." Anything I say, he immediately rebuffs. I am doing the best I can. I work Monday through Friday, I help out around the house, I always listen. I have learned from my mistake, why can't he see that?
Re: Sick with stress because of money
Good lord, I do not even know where to begin with this, but there are quite a few red flags going on in your post.
First, I'm really sorry about your financial troubles. I've been there before, not as much in debt as you are, but still a significant amount so I know how crappy it feels to have that burden. The fact that you are trying to put a plan together to deal with it is the first step, so good for you. I also understand how it feels to be embarrassed by it - I was the same way about my debt when I first told my H about it (way before we were even engaged). I actually waited a while to tell him because of the shame I felt and also the fact that I felt it was not his problem, nor so much his business, but I finally came clean because we were planning to move to Europe together and I felt obligated to tell him since we were trying to save money for that. At the point I told him though, I had already set up a plan to deal with it head on and I assured him that it was 100% my problem, not his, and that I could handle it on my own. I also told him because I felt that should we ever get married, I did not want to bring this debt into our marriage. My H was very understanding when I told him and he didn't get involved other than to check in with me to see how it was going and was there to listen to me if I ever needed to vent about it. It took me 5 years to pay off my debt and it was such a weight off my shoulders.
So back to your problem - I'm thinking you might want to reconsider whether or not you want to continue your relationship with your boyfriend. Perhaps this advice is a bit harsh, but the way he is behaving is totally not normal. If he wants to help you figure out a plan, be an ear when you need it, that's one thing, but to behave in this controlling way, then contacting your parents about this - totally out of line. It is not his debt. It is yours. I would not even take any money from him to help pay for it because he is just going to hang this over your head later. He's already doing it to you. He seems controlling - I don't want to go so far and say he's an 'abuser' but I'm seeing these warning signs that are just not good. You aren't even married to him and he's behaving like this - how do you think he would be if you did marry him? You are not obligated to stay with him just because you've been together for 2.5 years - I would really think about this long and hard....especially the fact that you've been married once already. Really think about what you are getting into with this guy.....
Hey,
Glad you're tackling the problem head on and getting yourself out of debt, you're already ahead of many people and well on your way to a debt free life. I understand how you feel about your debt and your boyfriend harassing you about it but I also get his side. If I just found out my boyfriend was in that unbelievable amount of debt I would freak out, I honestly don't even know if I would stay with that person. I think he is still shocked that you could blow through that much money in debt, and I'm sure he is very angry with you. I feel his pain because I had an ex-boyfriend who I was very serious with that was in your same situation. When he told me I was instantly turned off, I tried to make it work but it really hurt the relationship. I'm someone who never takes out debt unless it is the last resort, that's why I'm finishing college with 0 debt, and for me being with someone who was in debt was a total deal breaker. Views on money were wayyyy too different. That's why I'm wondering if you are actively doing something to save every dime or do you still go out with friends and shop? Because If you're still going out or spending any money at all that isn't and absolute necessity then I can see why he is so angry and naggy. Maybe the debt issue is a deal breaker with him too and he's forcing himself to make it work. I think the best thing is to sit him down and ask him what's up with his attitude and his pushiness.
He's harassing you for it?
Then I think it's time to say goodbye to him for good and then continue with getting your finances back on track.
This is bad, very bad.
And this almost borders on the coo-coo side.:( He's got no business telling anybody about your confidential happenings.
Say goodbye to him posthaste.
Good luck with getting your finances back on track. I guess you learned a hard and good lesson.
I also don't think this is the right guy for you. You have made mistakes and are trying to learn from them. It is not his responsibility to help you out of them and I certainly wouldn't accept help if this is how he is going to treat you about it.
Lots of red flags here. I get him being upset you hid it from him if you're combining your lives (living together and planning for the future). However, his attitude right now is unacceptable. It's like he is forcing you to rely on him and controlling you with your finances. And he called your mother to complain about you? Way to get in good with the potential in laws there bud!
You need to rethink your relationship with this guy. You know you messed up and have a plan to get out of debt. His refusal to hear you out is a big problem.
Hi everyone,
Thanks for all of the responses. He also decided it was necessary to share my personal business with his sister and co-workers. I am beyond mortified. I have been searching for an apartment that's closer to work and I think I will be moving out shortly. I need to focus on me and getting my financials in order. My parents are aware and have been nothing but supportive. I just can't believe he would just go out and tell everyone.
Good idea. This guy sounds like no good. And it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.
Oh yea, I would be livid if my H had told anyone about my financial problems after I confided in him when I was dealing with my debt....it's stressful enough to have that hanging over your head without having added stress of everyone else knowing about it. Not to mention having someone 'mentally beating you up' about it - yes, you made financial mistakes, you realize that and are doing what you can to get out of it. Anyway, good luck....and check the money matters section of the board - there's some smart ladies in there that can maybe give you some tips on how to get yourself out of debt and save money for your future
Why is he helping you pay off your debt? He didn't spend poorly, you did, and so he shouldn't have to alter his lifestyle to pay off or even help pay off your debt.
Either way, dump him. You shouldn't be berated daily about a mistake you've owned up to.
First, I think you should have told your bf about the debt when you decided to move in together. I personally feel that that kind of information should be shared when you are making serious relationship decisions (moving in together, getting married, etc.) But, that ship has sailed.
I am on the other side in this equation. My DH has some debt: a car loan and school loans he's working to pay off. But, I would never dream of berating him about it and reminding him continually about it. That does not help matters and would just bring our relationship down. Good for you for working to pay it off. You seem to be being responsible about it. It is completely uncalled for that he would harass you and bring other people into this. For me, this raises serious red flags. I would get relationship counseling if I were you.