Family Matters
vmacneil1
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Deployments
My wedding is exactly three months away and I found out this week that one of my brother's will be deployed two weeks before, leaving across the country. I originally changed my wedding date so this brother could be there, his deployment date has changed three times. My mother is now demanding that I change my wedding date again. The invitations have gone out, I am knee deep in planning, and the day is supposed to be about my wedding to my fiance. I would like to do something special to include my brother when I see him, but at this point cant change my date, and feel like I shouldnt, however I am still left feeling like a horrible person. Has anyone experienced something similar or has advice?
Re: Deployments
Your mother is nuts. It's far gone at this point. This is why I have great respect for our military personal and the families. It's all part of the sacrifice that comes with the job. Your mother seems to understand that her son has no control and this isn't the only major event he will miss.
You are not to blame for any of this, have your wedding the day it says in the invites and tell your mother to deal. You could have an empty seat with the family on your side and put the flag of his military branch on it. That is the only idea I can think of. Also, make sure the wedding is recorded and email it to him.
Excellent advice.
Is there any way he can attend by Skype that day? Food for thought.
Your mom is wrong. Heck you could change your dates again only to have his deployment dates change. Your mom has to think outside of herself and he son and realize that people need to ask off of work and make arrangements such as reserving hotel rooms, buy tickets etc.
No you are not a horrible person, not in the least. These things happen. Yes it is sad he won't be there, but it happens.
Again, do not listen to your mother or any possible guilt trips. She is being ridiculous. You are not doing anything wrong. Not at all.
FWIW, my brother is in the Air Force and he couldn't come to my wedding. As nice as it would have been for him to be there, he just couldn't make it and we couldn't schedule our wedding around an unpredictable schedule.
Oh and I also wanted to add that upsetting or disappointing your parents is just a part of growing up. My parents didn't like it when I said I wouldn't make it for Christmas morning for hte first time, and my ILs didn't like it when my husband told them they can't dictate our schedule when we visit them. At a certain point you have to be ok with the choices you and your husband make, yes even if that means upsetting your parents. Trust me, it won't be the last time and the wold won't end if your mom is mad at you.
This isn't a promise of anything, but I'm a DoD contractor under the Navy (so not sure how this will play out for other branches). With the current lack of a budget (continuing resolutions) and the sequestration....a lot of deployments are being canceled. A ship here locally had their deployment canceled two days before the ship was set to depart. And it's going to get worse the more this plays out. So like another poster said, there's no telling if he will actually go or not.
Your mom is being completely unreasonable.
I suspect this has more to do with her fears about her son deploying than him actually being present at the wedding. It's hard for her to think about what could happen to him and having no control and easy for her to latch on to something else she thinks she CAN control.
I'd explain to her very gently that as much as you'd like your brother there, you can't make any more accomodations for him at this point and that the subject is closed.
I wouldn't change your wedding now. You are right, it is about being married and about you and yhour fiance. I know its important to have your brother there.
Since he is leaving from across teh country, it is possible he has a few weeks of training before he ACTUALLY leaves for deployment. In this case, they are usually at a us base and have access to skype and a phone.
Besides being difficult to call all the guests and change it, it could be VERY expensive to do so at this point.
Your brother took on this responsibility when he joined the military. Believe me I know how annoying it is, my husband was in the Navy... but the fact is, he can't cahnge it, and you could move up your wedding just to find out that his deployment gets moved up....things change 100 x before they actually get on a plane to leave.
I would kee your wedding as planned. Friends of mine were married last year and the grooms brother was deployed. It was a last minute deployment and he had 5 days notice to get his things in order for a 3 month deployment.
They were 5 days out from the wedding and couldn't change anything.
As a surprise his wife went and has his photo printed and cut out his face and put it on a stick. They had a photo booth and all night people posed with the photo of his brother. IT was really silly, but it was a nice way for everyone there to think of him--and then they sent him all the photos and he laughed.
Make sure you video the day.
Since his brother was his best man, they left a seat at the head table open and asked his father to give a speech instead.
Also as part of their favor they gave donations to a local organization that provides couseling to returns vets.