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Unmotivated BF? Advice and Thoughts? (Longish)
Hello Everyone,
My BF and I have been together for a year (On Tuesday) and we get along great, havn't had any arguments, have a ton in common, and have talked about marriage, and possibly kids a few years down the road. The only issue is - he's super un-motivated career wise. He currently works retail and is really smart - especially tech wise but has no motivation to improve himself. He says he's been looking for two years for a better job, but I havn't seen it; his parents are willing to help him pay for a college education, which he says he's tried - but is too afraid of failing and that eventually he'll get a better job, or career etc, but that he doesn't have any clear goals. We live in the same town as Boeing (A rather large aerospace company) and we're also not far from other more viable and fulfilling careers for him. I've tried explaining to him that he can't raise a family on $10 an hour - but he doesn't seem overly enthusiastic about change or moving forward. I'm 26 and he's 27 - is it wrong of me to think he is too old to be acting this way? Am I going about this the wrong way?
Re: Unmotivated BF? Advice and Thoughts? (Longish)
You can't support yourself, more or less a family, on $10/hour.
By 27 years old, if he hasn't figured out what he wants to do with his life, you'll be lucky if he ever does.
So consider this. Do you want to spend your life with a man who spends his time jumping from mediocre job to mediocre job? Who has no clear plans for his future? That when it comes time for you two to retire won't be able to because he hasn't invested? Do you want to be the main source of income for your family? If not, this probably isn't the guy for you.
If you have tried talking to him, and his parents have tried talking to him, the ball is in his court. If he doesn't want to play, you can't force him.
If he can't pick up the ball now, it's not likely he ever will.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This guy sounds a little like my brother. My parents practically forced him to get a college degree - he's brilliant and chose computer science, a very lucrative field. When he was about 25 he actually quit his job because he said he didn't like it, and he lived on his savings for a year or two until his girlfriend finally convinced him to seek therapy for depression.
Now he sees someone regularly and is on medication and has held a great job for a few years. None of us probably would have connected that this was depression, so we're lucky his girlfriend had some experience with it. I'm not going to say he did a complete 180 and would be ready for marriage or kids, but just deciding he wanted to challenge himself intellectually again was a huge help for him.
Does this sound familiar at all?
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussDitto. You have no control here to change him. If this is not what you want in a boyfriend, find another who IS motivated.
To me and everyone else around him, it doesn't appear to be depression, as he's typically a happy go lucky kind of guy. I know this doesn't mean anything, my sister suffered from clinical depression for awhile, and was really able to hide it well until she got some help also. This might be a bad comparison, but he's like a perpetual 12 year old. He's pretty much been taken care of and given everything his entire life. I guess the motivation is up to him, I'll have to give him an ultimatum, but I don't really know how to go about it. All of the immature things he does that I've talked to him about, he has listened to and really gotten better with - except this one area...
In my last relationship, my husband worked all of the time and there wasn't a lot of connection between us as he tried showing affection with money (Which I didn't understand and wasn't able to respond to..this was about 3 years ago)..and now its essentially the opposite - he works, though its part time and he has no ambition to get out of his current position, but our connection is great : /
why do you want to yoke yourself to a perpetual fixer-upper? there are plenty of wonderful, motivated men out there that don't need repairs.
This is who he is. He isn't career oriented. If you want someone who is, then date a man that is more career oriented. Please don't do the square pegs- round hole thing. It won't work.
Does he just like retail or does he just like an easy job. I know someone who works retail, and he does make good money, but he is a supervisor and that isn't easy.
You do know you can find someone in the middle right ? Someone who is career oriented but not a workaholic.
I'm guessing this guys parents pay for his apt? Or maybe he lives WITH THEM? I'm not sure how he would pay for an apartment on 10 bucks an hour part time.
This guy is not going to change. If he had a career, that didn't make huge money, or wasn't a go getter, wanting to be in management i'd say FINE. Sometimes those are the best guys! They want to make time for a wife, friends a family. But working part time at 27? WHAT does he do with all his time??
It sounds like this might be the type of guy you want, steady career, who also wants to make real time for a wife and family. Not a top career guy, but not a bum either. I think you're probably enjoying this mans attention because you didn't get it from your husband. I get it, money isn't everything, but if you stay with this guy, you will end up being his MOM.
He says he likes working with people and his hands, and doesn't want to be stuck behind a desk all day, which is fine, great even! He says he wants to be able to provide a public service (ie: making things other people will use)
We actually live together with another room mate, which I really don't like. I'm working on my BA in Photography and we hope to have our own place once this lease is up - but I'm afraid to commit to something like that if things don't change.
And I agree, retail can be good, but there are better options within retail out there, where he can make decent money - especially if he wants to make time for a wife and family, which seems to be the case, as he's said he doesn't want a job where he never sees me. I'm guessing he's stuck in teenager/young adult mode where he thinks he doesn't have responsibility to worry about. In his "free time" he mostly plays video games or browses the internet. He's got great credit and is responsible with his money, so I know there is an adult in there somewhere! I know I need to feel him out and see where this is going before I commit to anything more serious with him. How would you guys do it without being too harsh? Is harsh what he needs?
Ditto. It might benefit you to seek individual counseling. I'm wondering why you are attracted to such extremes when there are men who are in the middle.
Has he thought about applying at Costco ? I think they start at $11 or $12 an hour and go up from there. Actually, the friend I mentioned earlier works at Costco. It really is a great company to work for and I think is supposed to be one of the best retail employers out there. MY friend is a supervisor and has been with the company for maybe 15 years. He makes in the mid 50s I think, get bonuses, health care, dental and vision. He also gets profit sharing and Costco contributes to his 401k. He works a standard 40 hour work week. The only thing is, it is hard to work there. They want you to hustle and work hard and they also want people who will consider Costco their career and not just a job. However, I do know my friend genuinely likes working there.
I have heard good things about Trader Joes as well.
However, to go back to what others and I have said. There might not being anything you can say or do to get him to change. He might just be one of those guys who doesn't care about his career, moving up, and providing for his family. You either need to come to terms with that or find someone who does have the characteristics you are looking for.
Honey, this is hard to realize I know, but when you say "I wish he would just be more ambitious" what you are really saying is, "I want him to be someone he is not." It's not going to change, ultimatium or not. If he pretends to be someone he isn't, it will just make him resentful or you and then he will just return back to who he is.
Let me put it another way. What if he posted here? I imagine it would be something like this, "my girlfriend and I have a wonderful connection, however, I am the exact opposite of her ex-husband in ways she claim she was happy about. However, now she consistantly nags me about being more like him. She wants me to work full time and even try and be a manager or something. I have no desire to work more than is necesary to get by. I don't need expensive things like a house, car, or vacations. Shoot, I like living with lots of other people so I can see them often. I'd rather just live stress free and go with the flow. I like taking lots of time off, relaxing, and I will never let a vacation day go by that I won't take to stay at home! I love her, but how can I get her to just relax, calm down, and stop being so overbearing and demanding? I want her to learn to love my lifestyle the way I do and just accept me for who I am. I like who I am, why can't she?"
See - it goes both ways. You can't change him and he can't change you. He is a good person and fun, but doesn't sound like he is the one for you long term. Good luck.
First, my dating philosophy. Rule #1 of dating: no fixer uppers.
After my divorce, I made that promise to myself. My therapist helped me come up with a list of what I wanted to find in a future husband. I dated a ton of guys through online dating (great books: Date Like A Man and Be Honest You're Not That Into Him Either.) It really helps if you can sniff out any dealbreakers BEFORE getting exclusive. And before getting exclusive, keep a pair and a spare in rotation to make sure you are thinking rationally. When you do decide to end it, or if he ends it with you, try not to take it personally - it just means that you are not a good match.
It took several months but I found DH and it was love at first sight. He matched every single one of my non negotiables. So I say that to give you hope and a bit of perspective.
As for your situation at hand, there really isn't a good way to break it off other than quickly, like a band aid. Emphasize that he's not a bad person, just not the right one for you. He probably won't take it well, but it is better in the long run if you're honest.
The line 'I'll try anything just to make it work' is a little puzzling considering you are not married to this guy. This is who he is - he's 27 years old and I would say at this point, there's not much about him that will change. My ex boyfriend was like this too - he was working some crappy dead end part time job, had absolutely no desire for any full time employment to make some future for himself - none whatsoever. He would work like 2-3 days a week, then in his free time either watch wrestling or play video games in his parent's basement. I hoped too that he would just outgrow it or get his act together, along with a bunch of other things (such as cheating) but I realized this is who he was and it was just not attractive to me at all, so I had to end the relationship.
You do realize that you are not obligated to stay with this guy, right?
I do realize that I'm not obligated to stay with him and I want so many things from life - I just didn't want to give up on a relationship without saying I tried everything I could to make it work. I divorced my husband of 4 years because of what I now think of as not trying hard enough to make things work. I just didn't want to make the same mistake again.
We just talked things over for three hours. I told him I was going to stop pushing/pressuring him to change/go to school/get a better job etc. I told him I wanted to keep our relationship and have it grow and not end things, but that I wouldn't wait forever. He asked for six months - so I'll give him six months. If after that things havn't changed (for both of us) then its not meant to be. Is this the right thing to have done? Would you have done things differently? Sorry this is so rambly guys and thanks for the continued support and advice.
A career-oriented man does not need to be a workaholic.
My H has worked for his company for 7 years. He has been promoted three times during his stint, but took a pay cut after I found out I was pregnant to work exclusively from home and not have to deal with a 2-hour commute each day.
He's ambitious and wants to advance career-wise, but that doesn't make him any less a family man. You can have the best of both worlds.
But by living with a guy for A year and trying not fix him screams "I never got past my issues and I don't know how to have a healthy relationship."
Move out now, take a break from the relationship and decide what you need